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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Happy Birthday!

Happy "25th" to Janice Dickinson. She had her "birthday" party at Quo to kick off their new Thursday night, Pretty Academy. It was the first time I'd seen her since her book party for Everything About Me is Fake... And I'm Perfect last year. She still looks amazing and is still as sweet as honey, Honey.

When will I learn that if I just open my eyes, I'd be able to see? Well, my eyes were wide open later that night when I saw Janice sit down and throw one leg up over her head. Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Dickinson. Teach me your skills so my helium heels can float as high as yours. Love it!

Taste the Rainblow

Do you ever miss high school? Sometimes I think about all the things I could have done, had I actually asserted myself. Although, overall I had a good high school experience. But somehow, something seems to have been lacking...

The answer? "Rainbow Parties!"

Apparently these are parties where girls put on different colored lipstick and go around blowing guys. The guys, alternatively try to get every color of the rainbow to show up on their teenaged dicks. Whoever has the most colors wins. Although, I don't know what you could possibly win after approximately seven separate blowjobs (Roy G. Biv, baby!).

All I'm saying is, "Where's MY invite?" Pass me the lipstick, girl! I'll use ALL the damn colors! You can just call me Skittles! "Skittles who Swallows." Double-S, baby.

*sigh* I miss high school. And having a skanky nickname.

Cumming on my Neck, Wrists, and Behind my Ears

What's that smell?

Oh, it's Alan Cumming's new fragrance, Cumming. In the marketing blitz that is the "Celebrity Fragrance" I don't understand why Alan Cumming has decided to -- well -- cum out with his own scent. He'll be joining the prestigious ranks of tasteful stars such as Jennifer Lopez, Britney Federline (nee Spears), Ms. Dion (that's Celine, not Warwick), and Donald (Does my hair look ok?) Trump.

Now Alan Cumming may be the sweetest man in the world, gallivanting about NYC like a little club child, but I don't think anyone would want to smell like him. I'm just speaking for myself, but take the image of his visage, overlay it with what you may perceive the scent to reek of, add to that the fact that it's called "Cumming" and imagine where people typically spray cologne. That all just adds up to an activity in which I do not wish to partake.

However, I do think that his forthcumming line of shower products, scrubbers ('Cumming Off Buff') and soaps ('Cumming in a Bar'), will be more successful than his fragrance, purely for comic effect.

So best of luck to you, Alan. Although, I don't think your fragrance will be a financial success. And the only PR you'll get is a message on your voicemail from the rest of the fragrance industry saying, "Better luck next time. Thanks for cumming."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Canada's Going to Hell

Well kids, the gays can officially marry now. So when Western society crumbles and slips into a firey inferno, you know what to do. Blame Canada!

Who would have thought that the extension of common rights to a segment of people would result in the deterioration of society as a whole. Obviously, society has been in a slow tailspin ever since they gave people with pussies the right to vote in the early 1900s. Couple this with blacks not only having the right to vote, but also being able to drink out of the same water fountain as whites AND sit at the front of the bus?? That's just a recipe for disaster!!

So why are there people out there who care whether or not two people of the same gender can marry each other? The only ones who seem to care are the ones whose 'god' is telling them they should care. Everyone else has better things to worry about, like "What do we call Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony? Nothing will be as catchy as Bennifer." or "Is the L Train running this weekend? Or will I have to trick out just so I have a place to stay for the night?"

The only logical, albeit selfish, push back against gay marriage is that it now allows more people to take advantage of benefits they had previously been denied, yet had been freely given to everyone else.

For example, if homos start having kids, they'll actually benefit from all the tax dollars that are sucked out of their paychecks and go to public schools. But honestly, no self-respecting gay couple would send their child to public school, so please. PS120-what? I don't think so.

The government would also lose out on retirement benefits where a same-sex partner cannot be designated as the beneficiary, whereas a legal husband or wife could be. So instead of that money going to compensate for the Bush's socialite-like spending, it's actually going to have to go to its rightful place, the spouse's bank account.

Giving people the rights they deserve does seem like the downfall of civilization, but only from the perspective of those who would prefer to maintain as much control as possible over anything and everything. But isn't democracy about giving rights to the populace? I might be confused because as of late, democracy just seems like invading countries and ripping cultures apart all under the guise that "things will be better in the end." That sounds more like Christian evangelism to me, though.

So I'll be curious to see the results of this new law in Canada. In the grand scheme of things, this is really an insignificant issue. Just because a country allows gays to marry does not necessarily mean its economy will crumble. It's just one of many factors involved, and a small one at that. The Netherlands has had legal gay marriages for a while. The country is also one of the healthiest and wealthiest ones in the world, ranked by GDP per capita. One could argue that the legalization of marriage has contributed to the country's prosperity. But that would be a slippery slope to Hell. Which brings us back to Canada...

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Episode II: Attack of the Paris Clones

I Want to Beat a Hilton

This show is a trainwreck. I want to know exactly where they found these people so I can avoid ever being where they're from. They combed the country to find the most crass, utterly tragic people.

One of the first opening scenes is of team Park (or Madison -- who cares) kicking a pile of horse shit around a polo field. Not only are they kicking it around, they're playfully kicking it at each other! WHOOOO does that?! Maybe these fools should have gone through Etiquette 101 before they try to move onto 102. I was SO embarassed for anyone there who wasn't raised in a barn. Tragic.

So Kathy charges them with raising money by auctioning off some of the Hiltons' things. It's almost like putting Kate Moss into a fat suit and telling her to sprint to the end of the field. She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing!! She's out of her element. This is not her scene! So how can these poor kids be expected to properly price and negotiate fair values for these items. They can't. And hilarity ensues.

So Paris and Nicki arrive in a stretch Hummer. [I'll leave the obvious jokes related to two sluts being in a vehicle whose name is synonymous with a blowjob to you.] They tell them to get dresseed using their old clothes. They're taking out the scrubs for a night on the town -- Hampton style.

The fat black chick (cuz there's only one and that's the best way to describe her), starts crying because she can't fit into any of Paris and Nicki's clothes. Then the Bitch with the brit accent came in, spat fire and walked off in a hideous sequinned dress of the british flag. Crazy Ho.

But Paris, Nicki, and Kathy all came to support Big Pun in her dilemma. They basically coerce her to go out somehow -- I think they just lured her along with a turkey leg.

The next day, at the Auction, some reject (literally), Johnny, skillfully negotiated a $3,000 watch down to $900. Unfortunately, he was the one selling the watch, not buying it. Moron.

Crazy-Bitch-Ann, taking every opportunity to burst into song, sang some whack-ass happy birthday song to her customers, as they just stood there looking perplexed.

Let's also take a moment to remember that Crazy-Bitch-Ann bursts into some type of (tourettes-induced?) audio assault while trying to sell the auction items during the open bid. She's gotta be the one leaving. I'm ova her.

But in the end, the team without all these problems ended up winning. Quelle suprise!! They won a lobster dinner on the beach. Consumed with exhiliration, Trailer-Trash-turned-Homo (the one who commented about his mobile home last time) strips down to his bikini briefs and DIVES into the ocean while the rest of his team stare in awe and comment on his sexuality under their breath.

And the Winner Is??

Johnny! He's won a trip back to wherever the hell he came from! Take your lovely parting gifts (including a case of herpes from sleeping with that British slut, and your Mac N Cheese) and be on your way back to Middle-America. Thanks for playing.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Haterade is Thirst Aid...

... For that deep-down body thirst!

Commercial Voiceover: "We've secretly replaced Andrew's regular morning orange juice with Haterade. Let's see how he reacts..."

Today was Gay Pride in NYC, so naturally the city was overrun with out-of-towners on a sweltering hot day. Gridlocked traffic, rainbows everywhere, and a disproportionate number of fatties abound. Somehow Pride has become a day fraught with obligations rather than one of enjoyment. I always end up sitting at a booth or something, rather than watching the parade. However, I don't have much of an interest in seeing the parade, either. It's the same one every year.

But today, or this weekend, rather, I must have been sippin' on Haterade. For those not familiar with the term, you can look it up on Urban Dictionary.

For some reason, people were just driving me up a wall. More specifically, some friends of mine were being particularly unappreciative and self-centered. A characteristic I almost am forced to deal with when interacting with gay boys, but find repugnant in heavy doses. In having gay friends, I find myself constantly surrounded by "takers." Why do most gay men (ok, boys. they're all boys) lack the capacity to be anything but self-centered? It's always about what they want "right now" and what they "feel" like doing? It's an immature way of going about life, yet somehow they manage to get by? It's perplexing.

What do you do with a friend who asks a lot of you, yet offers nothing in return? How do you react to someone who -- transparently -- calls you in the middle of the night under the guise of making sure you got home safely, only to turn around and ask you to look up the address of a club on the internet? Is there a civil response to someone from out of town who you let stay with you, only to have them go off the next day and not return your calls? What do you say to someone who indirectly insults by describing a group of people of which you're a part and then criticizes them relentlessly?

Mind boggling questions, it seems; the answers to which I don't have at the moment. All of these people purport to be my friend. However, the disrespect they show me would suggest otherwise. All I know is that the Haterade has kept me going strong :) Under normal circumstances, and with normal people, I'd just sit around and wait for their lightbulb and apologize. But these are silly faggots. They don't even know that what their doing is wrong because the only thing that's wrong is whatever interrupts their little world. So I won't be holding my breath for the apologies I believe I deserve. All I can do is accept them for who they are and find others to replace them.

Happy Pride! You're all grown up now. And look what you've become, Peter Pan. You've made Mama so proud!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Chubby-Chasers Unite!!

They're Big. They're Bouncy. They're... Beautiful?...

Well, at 5'8, 250lbs (Jesus Christ!!!), voluptuous Joann Bellemore argues, "yes, we are beautiful" I don't even think Ms. Aguilera would be able to sing a note to that baritone tune. Instead of waiting for Christina to update her "Beautiful" video, Ms. Bellemore created the Big Beautiful Women Network (bbwnetwork.com) so other "voluptuous" women (I'm trying to refrain from just writing "fatties") and men can meet each other, and the chubby-chasers who love them.

The group, obviously active in Green Peace, organizes several activities for full-figured guys and gals:

- They add a new twist to Milton Bradley's two-player game, "Battleship," shunning the "board game" and opting for the real-life challenge. All it takes is two, permission to come aboard, and it's "You sank my battleship!"

- The San Francisco group produces "nightclub-style dance parties." Now we know where all those tremors are coming from everytime the DJ plays House of Pain's "Jump Around." San Andreas Fault, my ass!

- One woman, at 5'3 and 245lbs, was inspired to take up swimming and karate. I think with those dimensions it ceases to be called "karate" and should be termed, "Sumo Wrestling."

I'm reminded of the recent controversy over the article in the The Journal of the American Medical Association, which suggested that people who are somewhat overweight, but not obese, have a lower risk of dying in a given year than those of normal weight. Well, more (will)power to ya. I actually haven't met too many unhappy fat people. Usually they're quite "jolly" :)

I'm glad these "voluptuous" men and women have found a means of finding each one another (other than by analyzing shifts in gravitational pull) and are having good wholesome fun at the same time. Because, if they were to assemble for malicious purposes, there's not telling what they could accomplish -- hunger strikes, seismic vibrations, tsumanis, etc. However, given their general lack of discipline in sticking to any sort of diet or exercise, I'd say it's safe that they won't be able to carry out any devious plans.

SO, "Blob-like" or "Beautiful"?
Mr. Skinny seems to vote for "Blob-like" I say they may be beautiful on the inside, but I'm only looking at the outside.

So "Blob-like" it is.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

You Want to Be a Hilton

I want to be a Hilton.

Why is the show narrated like a Dr. Seuss cartoon? "Little did they know, that they were being watched by non-other than Kathy herself" "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" "Oh, the Lorax"

The show is just fraught with uncouth yokels, being led along by old money gone poor. Apparently Kathy Hilton was an actress once upon a time. Has anyone heard of anything she's been in? Well, it may have taken 40 years, but she finally is starring in her own show. Work it OUT, Kathy!!

Highlights of the show:

- The crazy asian bitch busts into song upon meeting the other candidates. A deviant strain of tourettes?

- The flaming minority faggot prances out of the cab into the Melrose Hotel. *sigh*

- A girl's name is Jackaay... and YES it's pronounced the same way as the woman who starred in 227. "Ooooo Mary!"

- The girl with CRAZY-DARK roots on platinum WHITE hair gets the right answer for why you hold a wine glass by the stem. She's rocket scientist material.

- The girl with a TRAGIC Long Island accent aspires to eat at a "faaaancy" restaurant in the future. Good luck, Trash.

- A country dumb-ass buys a socialite 4lbs of chocolate. Who needs to be thin to be popular??

- Piece of trash, Billy Bush, from Access Hollywood is tagged on the show as being part of the "Cream of New York Society." Apparently I don't live in New York, or my understanding of "Cream" is slightly askew.

- Starfucker Kyle Richards, Kathy Hilton's wannabe-celebrity sister, turns out to be the "late dinner arrival" with ALMOST 12 layers of make-up on spackled on her face. Can I latch on to Paris' fame, too? Or am I too distant a relative?

- The crazy asian bitch busts into song AGAIN and sang the words "Some people wait a lifetime, for a moment like this." I ALMOST fell out of my chair. Insanity is FUN!

Unfortunately, the flaming faggot got the boot last night. Peace out, girl scout.

Quote of the night: "Definitely her shoes cost more than our mobile home"


I want more!!!

Bravo, 'Bravo'

I caught an episode of Bravo's latest show, Sports Kids Moms and Dads. It's a fairly lame show that I'm sure not too many people watch. There's some chick who rides horses, some scrawny boy who wants to be a football player, some chick who wants to be a cheerleader, and this boy who is a figure skater. I really don't care about any of them, but the figure skater boy is cute.

True to Bravo form, they spent the first 5 minutes of the skater's segment tackling the issue of "is he gay?" The boy, AND his conservative mother, claim that he's straight. But at the same time, the boy is like barely into puberty. So he'll sort it out eventually. He's such a mama's boy. Gee... I wonder what he'll be.

Oh, and thank you Bravo for bringing us the show, "Being Bobby Brown"... soon to be followed up with "COPS" guest-starring Whitney Houston before she rolls out her own twist on an old show, "Eight Is Enough: The Story of a Battered Woman"