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Saturday, July 30, 2005


An overly wrought whine of a faux intellectual article from the NY Times grabbed my attention today. The author criticized the superfluous use and proliferation of obscenities, arguing that they have become too commonplace in society and now are facing a backlash.

My official response: "Shut the Fuck up!"

Who the fuck cares of people are cursing too much? It's not the end of the world. I say, if you're too much of a prude to hear other people cursing -- if it offends and scars your ears to such an extent -- then you're a fucking pussy and need to move to a Rectangle State somewhere where linguistically challenged buffalo roam free.

As long as people haven't lost the ability to verbally express themselves articulately, when necessary, then I don't see the harm in people swearing. Though, once your vocabulary starts diminishing and your lexicon is only filled with 4-letter words, then I think it's time to educate yourself.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Soccer Cock

Mr. Skinny found the most cock-tacular video clip of a soccer player's dick flopping out from his shorts and bouncing about. It's Must See TV, kids.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

(cave)Man's Best Friend

Special thanks to Timmy Ray for finding this article.

"A sculpted and polished phallus found in a German cave is among the earliest representations of male sexuality ever uncovered, researchers say." It's 20cm long, 3cm wide, and 28,000 years old. That's older than most of the phalluses I go for, but the dimensions seem on target.

Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers, scientists report.

Yes indeed, girl! Fred Flintstone knew how to pass the time, especially when Wilma was being a cunt and not giving hers up.

Scientists give the best quotes!

In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, it was also at times used for knapping flints

In case you don't know what knapping is, it means to "break with a quick blow". Yes, when a quick blow is called for, there is often a phallus involved.

There are some areas where it has some very typical scars from that

This must have been prior to the invention of lube.

It's highly polished; it's clearly recognisable

Diff'rent strokes for Caveman folks. Don't get too excited about it, Mr. Scientist.

Apparently "the Tübingen team working Hohle Fels already had 13 fractured parts of the phallus in storage, but it was only with the discovery of a 14th fragment last year that the team was able finally to put the "jigsaw" together." Leave it to a scientist to have 93% of a dick in his possession and still not know what it is. His poor wife... or husband... or blow-up doll.

God bless the BBC for writing an article about a dildo, all in the name of science. And god bless the cavemen who said, "Fuck hunting, I need to get LAID!", who then crafted and worked and worked and WORKED that dildo. On those cold Ice Age nights I'm sure it came in handy.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Bang Bang - My Baby Shot Me Down

Now he's gone i don't know why
And to this day sometimes i cry
He didn't even say goodbye he didn't take the time to lie

Bang, bang
He shot me down, bang bang
I hit the ground
Bang, bang
That awful sound, bang bang
My baby shot me down

I've been listening to the Audio Bullys remix of Nancy Sinatra's song a lot lately. Love it! It speaks to me with melodic tones. Glorious.

Every Dog Has Her Day

It seems that even the ugly girls are getting marriage proposals!! Pack your snowboard, kids, because Hell has definitely frozen over.

Today's dog is Chelsea Clinton. The ugly unwanted former "first daughter", received a marriage proposal from a 36-year old Kenyan. For those of you who don't know, Kenya is a country in Africa. And Africa's that continent where they filmed the movie Madagascar, which is now playing in a theatre near you.

Apparently Miss Clinton is worth her weight in gold -- as measured by the traditional African dowry of 20 head of cattle and 40 goats. Or was that, she weighs as much as 20 head of cattle and 40 goats. Whatever, same difference.

If you can look ugly even standing next to Star Jones, you've got problems.

But love is blind and apparently so is the Kenyan bachelor, who's quoted as saying:

She was my first real love and she still is today.

I think he's secretly an assassin, trying to kill crooked-dicked Bill. What's he done lately? The man moved to Harlem. Respect. Poor poor Kenyan, why not turn your sniper sights on some other fine presidential females -- the Bush twins.

They're dumber than jam on rye toast and drunker than the rye used to make their alcohol. They can't help it; it's in the genes. But they've got two things that Chelsea does not: inbred Lesbianic tendancies and Weed!

Nine Lives

Would someone PLEASE stop giving Jeremy Piven TV shows?! I mean, HOW does he get all these series?! Each one of them tanks after the first 5 episodes so why do people even bother?? I don't get it. I don't have anything against him, but I just think it's silly that he's in all these shows that never stay on the air. Don't people realize that audiences just don't care about him? So sad; too bad.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Charm School

Pull up a chair, boys, because it's time to learn. You're gonna get schooled.

Since there seem to be a complete lack of manners and breeding in most boys, I thought i'd take it upon myself to give a lesson. Bring me an apple, or I'll slap your hand with the same ruler I used to measure your dick.

So here are a few rules to follow at all times. I'm only listing a handful as more than that would surely clog your underdeveloped brains.

Rule #1: If you're going to be late, call. It's as simple as that, folks. It's only common courtesy, and lets the other person know you respect their time.

Rule #2: Do what you say you're going to do. If you say you're going to be somewhere or can go to something, then do it. Don't flake out minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere.

Rule #3 Don't chew with your mouth open. It's really quite simple. If I can see the food being ground up in your mouth, I might spit up the food I so politely chewed and swallowed.

Rule #4 Cover your mouth when you yawn. People make the ugliest faces when they yawn. Nobody wants to see them, especially not me. So cover your mouth and/or face and we'll all have a more plesant day.

Rule #5 If you think you're smart, chances are you're not. It's always the dumbest people who are adamant about how smart they think they are. If you find yourself consistently having to prove that you're "smart", odds are, you're a fucking moron. Just accept it and move on... to special ed.

Your homework assignment will be to teach one other person these rules. Maybe then I won't bump into so many dumb-asses out on the street.

Gay Ol' Girls

These women gave me "the gay". I must have caught it from watching them. From talking with a bunch of my friends, it seems that they caught "the gay" from the Golden Girls as well. Almost everyone I know who's gay grew up watching that show. Is there any boy who watched the Golden Girls and didn't turn out gay?

I wonder what TV show now is turning boys gay. Some would argue "Sponge Bob" or "Teletubbies", but my vote goes for UPN's "Girlfriends". It's "Designing Women", but with black chicks instead... ergo, it's on UPN.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

It's Like That (Y'all)

What's that, Honey? I can't hear your insane ramblings coming out of your fat-ass due to the loudness of your dress!

Well at least now we know what happened to ALL the fabric from the Gates in Central Park.

'Cold' Mountain; Hot Cock

For all you bitches who love Heath Ledger and his uncut Australian dick, put on your reading glasses and get close to the screen. I came (literally) across this picture on someone's blog and thought it was too good not to share. Apparently they're stills from his movie 'Brokeback Mountain'

Although, I hope it was a cold day, because I'm a bit disappointed in Mr. Ledger. I expected more from 'down under'.

S'alright, Heath, I'll still be your 'mate'!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Don't You Know Who I Am?!

I've recently come into contact with too many people who just don't seem to know their place. They seem to think "VIP" stands for, "Everyone Plus You". Little gnomes of boys who somehow are under the impression that they're entitled to certain things based on who they are. I was at an afterparty for an off-Broadway show this weekend, which was supposed to be "VIP," but low and behold, I turn around and see a SLEW of people who were so "blah" that I could have VIPee'd on them and nobody would have cared. Yet, they still felt self-entitled somehow. But who are they? Hell if I know -- I'm sure most people refer to them as "that dude".

This isn't a phenomenon isolated to NYC nightlife nobodies. Even the outrageous Grace Jones was put in her place, according to Page Six when she was asked to leave the First Class cabin and take her place in Coach on a flight from Newark to London. She only held a Coach class ticket, yet somehow felt entitled to be in First Class. A month ago, she was also denied when from the First Class compartment of a train when she once again only held a Coach ticket.

The last movie I remember Grace Jones being in was Boomerang where she played the eccentric spokesmodel "Strangé", shouting "pussy!" and shoving her thong in Eddie Murphy's face.

I guess times are tough for the "Disco Diva". Looks like the only checks she's getting in the mail are "Reality Checks".

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Grand Theft Virginity

The pointless media is in an uproar over "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" which apparently contains sex scenes encoded within the video game.

All I have to say is, 'At least these geeks are getting some!' The brilliant people at Rockstar Games have found a way to couple hours of videogaming with hours of surfing the Net for porn. From a marketing perspective, it's genius! We all know that people have limited time in their day. They love their video games, and they love their porn. So why not give them both of what they want. Do it in a shady way, such as needing a code to unlock (or unzip?) the game and voila, access to porn.

Politicians, naturally, are shitting themselves over it. Why? Because they have nothing better to do than to bitch and moan about some sex scenes in a video game. Apparently the Ozone layer has closed up and there's peace in the Middle East. Since that's been checked off the 'To Do' list, now they can tackle this. Oh wait, it's not? Oh wait, is it an election year?

Everyone throwing a hissy fit over this whole thing should come up with something better to do. Go out and have sex! If you're good enough, you too may be in a video game. Or better yet, you'll join the ranks of Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee, and most recently Colin Farrell and have your pornos sold to the highest bidder. You'd get my vote!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Beamin' Up Scotty

James Doohan, the actor who played Scotty on Star Trek was 'beamed up' to Heaven today. He died of pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease.

The man survived countless missions, 'boldly going' where no man has gone before, and he's taken down by pneumonia?? That's sad. :(

Pimp Pole: Hooker Hole

Kimberly Stewart (i.e., Rod Stewart's daughter) is one of the many trust-fund babies reaching for the 15-Minutes of Fame bottle to suck on. She's a:
Busted Whore
Worthless Snore
What's up with those bangs, child??
She gave me herpes


Free polls from Pollhost.com

Snuggle Up

Teddy Bears say the cutest things :)

I remember making a really cute teddy bear at Build A Bear. We made it so that everytime you squeezed its crotch, it would say "I love you".

That's Real Love, Mary J.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Stop the Insanity!

The Bible Belt smacks us all on the ass once again.

An article in today's New York Times, Gay Teenager Stirs a Storm, describes the situation of a gay 16-year old in Memphis who was sent to a fundamentalist Christian program for gays. They still do that kinda crazy shit?! Apparently so. Scary.

The program is called Refuge, run by an organization called Love in Action International. Naturally, the person who runs the program is a Reverend named John Smid, who "used to be gay" and now is "reformed". Lies.

The boy, Zach, has a blog on MySpace where he hashes out the trauma of having to go to such an abysmal place. Sad.

Where to start? Well, first of all, how is it that it's someone's FULL-TIME job to "cure" people of homosexuality? What kind of job is that?! I'll never understand how some people can become so fixated on beating down homosexuals. Don't they have better things to do with themselves? Isn't adultery a sin? I don't see people building churches and programs to address that "abomination". At the very least they could brand an "A" on everyone's chest. But then nearly 50% of the American population would be in line for that "A".

The house that hate built: The headquarters of Love in Action

The thing I love about this "institution" is the ridiculousness of their rules. You can't wear Abercrombie & Fitch or Calvin Klein clothing. Men aren't allowed to wear bikini briefs, only boxers. You must wear a t-shirt, even when sleeping. Wha?? They also have the detainees play football. What's that about?! It seems as if they're trying to just tackle stereotypical gender roles.

So essentially, they're saying that you're a faggot if you wear Abercrombie. To be a man, you need to play football. And only real men wear boxers. Sorry, but I know a lot of straight men who wear Abercrombie, don't play football, and don't wear boxers. I think they're quite fine with their sexuality.

My favorite quote is from Smid:

I think exploring sexuality can lay a teenager up for numerous lifelong issues.

What does that even mean? Exploring sexuality gets a teenager LAID, that's for sure. But I don't understand the harm in exploring. I doubt that anyone who is gay or straight would have an issue figuring that out eventually. Either you like pussy or not. Simple as that. Some of us don't even have to try it to know we don't like it :)

Now you have to ask yourself, "How successful are these programs? What's the efficacy of their efforts?" Well, as I'm sure we've all guessed by now, their success rate leaves something to be desired. It seems that more than 75% of the program's "graduates" still identify as being gay. Quelle surprise!

It's a sad day in Hell when we have parents throwing their children into prison-type facilities to "cure" them of something that isn't a disease. It's an even sadder day when said people do this using religion as their justification. I don't blame their logic, though. Religion has often been used as a way to abate fears of the unknown and launch genocidal campaigns against specific segments of the population. Ironically, though, such hateful actions go against the core values of most religions - love and acceptance.

God, save me from your followers!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Queer Ass Folk

I don't normally watch Queer As Folk, but I caught tonight's episode. For all the tackiness of the show, it does bring up some issues that are easily forgotten.

For one, there was a bombing at the club on the show and one of the characters had to go to the hospital and was losing blood. None of his friends could give blood because they're gay.

That's fucked up. I completely forgot that they don't take gay blood because it's supposedly "higher risk." What kind of asinine shit is that?? I feel like it's just one of many passive aggressive ways that "the man" is trying to keep us down. I thought it was 2005, but apparently it's still 1984.

My Reality

I'm waiting for my reality TV show deal to come in the mail. It seems like everyone and their mother has a reality series. It's the latest PR stunt. How else can has-beens or never-was's get their 15-minutes (or 15 episodes) of fame?

The latest and lamest attempt at a reality TV show is the Venus and Serena Williams show. I don't even know what it's called, but it's basically the two of them in a show. How boring must that be? They're not really that special, not that many people are into tennis, and they're not that cute. What could the show possibly be about? Do they even DO anything?? And to top it off, the show's going to be on ABC Family, so you KNOW nothing scandallous is going to happen. *Snore*

This other show, Princes of Malibu, is just a headache to watch. Everyone's fuckin' up and the boys on the show, while cute, are just complete assholes. What a waste.

Best quote from the show, though, in reference to Elvis:

"He's dead and he was fat when he died"

Love it!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Fantastic Bore

Everyone said it, and I should have listened. "Fantastic Four" was a fantastic let down. Leave it to Hollywood to take their lack of creativity and parlay it into another fuck up.

It's as if they took the general plot line of the comic book and just threw things together to match a plot line that would be better. It just made for a forced plot, affected moments, and trite lines.

I was hoping to title this posting, "Fantastic One" because the guy who played Human Torch, Chris Evans, is fucking HOT! "Flame On" indeed, Mr. Evans. I say "Mister" as if the boy isn't 24, but whatever. I digress. His character was completely annoying throughout most of the movie, so it wasn't even redeeming to watch his FINE ass 'flame out' all over the place. I'll have to check him out in another movie before he can be my baby daddy.

One of the only amusing moments in the movie (aside from every scene where Chris Evans is half naked) involved Stan Lee as the mail man. Apparently the man puts it into the contract that he's in every Marvel movie they make. It's like Where's Waldo in movie form.

This movie could have been saved by sticking to the original plot line and showing more of Chris Evans' ass. That's my superhero!

Gonna Dress You Up

Gonna dress you up in my love
All over, all over
Gonna dress you up in my love
All over your body

Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love
All over your body, all over your body
In my love
All over, all over
From your head down to your toes

I found this picture in someone's profile and thought it would be hilarious to pair it with Madonna's song.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Weather Bunnies or Dust Bunnies?

What's up with "meteorologists" being unable to predict the weather? Isn't it their jobs to do that?! Why is it that every day I look at the forecast it says it's going to rain all day. Then it doesn't. Yesterday it rained for like 10 minutes. Tuesday it didn't rain. So now they say it's going to rain all day today, too. I just see sun.

I looked at the 10-day forecast and it's supposed to be scattered thunderstorms for the next 7 days. I think they're just loading it up and playing the odds. They're just sitting with their Doppler 10,000 saying, "well, it's gotta rain ONE of these days!"

Why don't we just go back to having pretty people tell us what the current weather is. I'd rather hear it from them than look out the window. Obviously these people can't figure out the weather at all, so why pay them more than they need to be paid to do absolutely nothing?

There are people in Toll Booths who do more than the "meteorologist" does. TOLL BOOTHS!!!! Ponder it.

Gaysian Lovin': Next Stop Bottomsville

I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you’re making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

Next Magazine featured an article with Brandon Lee, an Asian pornstar -- not to be confused with the dead son of Bruce Lee an Asian filmstar. In case you've never seen any of his 'films' (I know I haven't), he's apparently a total top in all his videos. This, of course goes against the stereotype that all Asians are bottoms.

The interview is a somewhat enlightening one for those who are somewhat dim -- regarding the social stigmas attached to those who date others who aren't white and vice versa. But for me, it was a lot of "Blah blah blah, I've lived it all before."

Ironically, the article's theme is on breaking stereotypes, yet it comes about from the promotion of his new video, "Wicked", in which he bottoms for the first time. Why? His response, "I’ve always been interested in doing it, but it had to be done right." Sure. The floodgates are open now. I don't think this'll be the last bottom film he'll be doing.

I actually found this to be the funniest part of the interview:

Of all the careers you could have chosen, why did you choose porn?
I wanted to do it because a lot of the porn films that I’d seen were disappointing. I thought maybe I could put one out there that could be better.

What kind of answer is that?! It almost has the air of "Yeah, so it was either this or curing cancer. I figured N.I.H. had their shit together, and I thought I could do these videos better." Homo-say-wha??

But cheers to Gregory, Next's Editor, for bringing up a topic to which most people are oblivious.

Bottoms up!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


I just realized that I had this stupid thing set so that only certain people could leave comments. Now everyone should be able to leave comments. So for every time you read this and don't leave a comment, I'll kick a kitten.

clASS Act

You can take the hoodrat out da ghetto, but you can't take da ghetto out da hoodrat.

After re-watching the episode of Being Bobby Brown where he and Whitney go to London, I've come to realize what a pathetic display it is when trash has money. Why does the episode open with Bobby saying something to the effect of "London is our favorite place to go. We love it for the culture." Ok, did I miss something? What culture?! That's like saying "I love Canada for is personality." Hello!! English culture is almost exactly the same as American culture, with the exception of some nuances. It's not like Greece or India. London is about as close to New York as you can get outside the states. It was a pathetic attempt to sound worldly, but only served to expose how provincial he is. Silly fatty.

Then they show up at Harrods, where Bobby eventually seeks out some food and requests a "real" cheeseburger. He asks again, "is it a REAL cheeseburger?" No, Bobby, it's a fake one. It's made from ostrich instead of mad cow. And what happened to loving the culture if you're eating a mad cow cheeseburger? Stupid fool.

As if he didn't just eat, he gets his haircut and then hunts and gathers some steamed fish. Mmmm.... He finds said fish in the ghetto, whereby he is harassed by another hoodrat who's asking him for rent money cuz she's got chill'runs to feed and bling to buy. Somehow her London rent is only 160 pounds, and Bobby generously gives her $200 dollars, clearly pointing out -- almost boastingly -- that he only has "American money." Silly Bobby. Don't you know that the pound to dollar conversion rate is almost 2:1? You barely gave her enough money to cover her rent and she STILL won't be able to get a platinum grill or sit on 20s.

So now he's at some chinese restaurant (way to fit the stereotype, Bobby) in what I can only assume is a private room. I didn't see any windows, so it could have just been a fance prison cell. Half way through the meal, he decides to announce to the whole room that he basically needs to go and take a shit. Of course, he used much more eloquent words, like "I gotta get it ALL out!" That's the epitome of class.

Obviously all hope is lost for Bobby, but what about his daughter, Bobbi? Oh no. The girl's already fat and "axes" her parents stupid questions. Whitney and Bobby should invest in speech lessons before the girl ends up as another LaToya -- Miss Jackson if you're classy!

The Kids Are Not Alright

Some people just shouldn't be allowed to bear children. Case in point: Owen King, Stephen King's son. I don't know what Stephen was thinking because he's anything but a supermodel. And those genes seem to be flowing strong. Look at his boy! The kid's a gargoyle.

And who's married to Stephen King? He's lucky he's rich. Sadly, this abomination of a child will probably have no problems finding a wife, since he's "Stephen King's son", which means more dirt in the gene pool.

Will the the hot lifeguard please add some more chlorine? The pool's getting kinda nasty.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Crazy is as the Surreal Life Does

Surreal Life 5 premiered last night on Vh1. For those of you who missed it or have no idea what it is -- which I assume is the majority of the population -- it was fraught with hilarity... and tragedy.

Can someone please tell me why Andy Dick was the security guard at the house? His agent must really suck. Shouldn't he be humping some man's leg and exposing his pre-teen breasts? He needs a real job. Andy, I hear the Golden Arches are hiring. Why don't you go have your break today. Everyone I know who works there hums and says, I'm lovin' it. Join the fun.

True to form, Janice Dickinson came off as a psycho-loon. But I still love her anyway. She's cunty, rail thin, and self-entitled. She is indeed a gay man in a woman's body. And that's why we love her. I don't know what this mess is about her being in a 12-Step program, but I think she might have hop-scotched (or hop-vodka'd) through some of those steps or leapt off the wagon cuz she was drinkin' the last time I saw her and again on the show. But that's all part of her charm. Kisses!

Uber-bitch Omarosa requested to be called simply "Omarosa", much like Cher. I guess if my last name were Manigault-Stallworth, I'd want that dropped, too. How can you be a publicity whore if people can't pronouce, spell, or remember your last name. "Omarosa" works just fine. Or, "That Bitch Omarosa" is even easier -- that makes you a B-list celebrity instead of a C-lister -- no need for an explanation.

Pepa, from Salt-N-Pepa, seems to be the only sane one on the show. I was waiting for her to rock fisticuffs with the other wannabe-divas on the show, but she didn't. She just smiled and was like "Oh, Janice". It's ok, whatever she's on will wear off, she'll start sippin' Haterade, and then out'll come "Angry Black Woman." Can't wait!

Then some other people are on the show, who I really could care less about. Another model chick, whom I've never heard of before. Jose Canseco (did I even spell his last name correctly? Sports. I don't know sports), whose the size of the house that fell on Omarosa's sister. Balky from Perfect Strangers, who seems to be no stranger to a Big Mac... fatty! And some motor bike dude, who's actually pretty hot. If he starts strippin', then he'll get more interesting.

And let's not forget the three-legged dog, Lucky. A fuckin THREE-LEGGED DOG is hobbling around the house! This shit is Bananas!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Publicity Whore II

I love the media. They have the ability to warp peoples' minds and shape public opinion. I started reading the article, Cheek by Jowl: Two Faces of Chelsea, because I thought it would be about the influx of straight women living in Chelsea. However, it turns out the article is about the poor people in the projects along Ninth Ave. Well, that's what you'd think it was about.

But really, half the article is just a PR boost for the Maritime Hotel. Somehow their publicist must have weaseled his or her way into the NY Times. While the top theme of the article is about how Chelsea has become increasingly expensive and "fabulous" and how the people in the projects can't afford to do anything in the neighborhood, the underlying theme is to highlight the Maritime Hotel by positioning it as the epitome of affluence in the area. Huh-wha? I guess the place is becoming old or else they wouldn't need the PR. Even Sophia Lamar somehow got in on the article, showing up in photo and print. I need her publicist.

To top it all off, the article really doesn't say much of anything. It's a lot of comments from people, "rich" and "poor", but doesn't really offer anything of a recommendation or insight. I suppose all it does is build awareness. That's weak.

Maritime's publicist must be workin' OVA-time because the hotel's in another NY Times article, The High Life, talking about rooftop parties in NYC. Groovedeck @ BED and the Hotel Gansevoort are also featured, including a party, "Dive Inn", sponsored by Diesel. Approximately 300 "influential" people received membership cards to the private club. Well isn't that special? Apparently membership cards are the new thing, as Groovedeck randomly sent me one in the mail. I'll wait for the others to show up in my mailbox.

Gotta love the shameless self-promotion.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The War on Drugs

It's not the "War" that's on drugs, it's the fags who are on drugs. The war is lost. Stick up the white flag, Dido.

I've lost so many friends to the war on drugs. Oh, they're still alive -- they're not glamorous enough for an overdose death. They've just lost their damn minds, or what little of one they had to begin with. More importantly, they've just sadly turned into a hot mess -- rambling on about shit they know nothing about, prancing about, injecting, inhaling, hunting, gathering, sniffing, snorting.

I'm not hating on people who use drugs. But when you do so many that you can no longer run you're own life, you're not longer on drugs; the drugs are on you.

Hell to the No!

Whitney! Giiirl, what's that on yo' head??

It looks as if a hedgehog is trying to dry hump Whitney Houston's head. It also looks as if Whitney's free-based so much crack that she doesn't even notice the banging against her skull. But #42 certainly thinks something funkys going on.

Oh, will the fun ever stop with this woman?? I know black don't crack, but this bitch is crackin' me up!

Hell to the Yes!

A very bright gold star to Jude Law who's got what looks like a plantain (yes, honey. Bigger than a banana) in his pocket. I've always said that he looks good in some pictures and looks like ass in others. Today, this man is looking QUITE good.

The doctor always says I need more potassium. I think I shall have a taste.

Doctor's orders!

Publicity Whore

Giuliani is such a publicity whore. He's worse than a reality TV show contestant! He's taking his 15 minutes of fame as being the "9/11 Hero" and stretching it into a career and celebrity. Why was it reported that Giuliani was a block away from the bombing in London yesterday? It's almost too convenient to be an accident.

The man has built a company, Giuliani Partners, around consulting on the matters of security. He's parlayed his shining moment as the post-9/11 mayor into a lucrative career built on leveraging fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of terrorism. Fear of anything "un-American". Ridiculous.

And now, how is it that he just so happened to be at the site of yesterday's bombing when it happened? That's like Mariah Carey just happening to be posing with a homeless man while photographers just happen to be around. It's just too coincidental. Alternatively, maybe the terrorists just want to kill Giuliani? Ever think of that? Let's just plop him in the middle of Iraq and see what happens. Maybe they'll stop sippin their Haterade after they've tasted his blood.

Ultimately, though, he's just a tool for terrorists and their supporters as a means of perpetuating and instilling fear throughout western society. Scary.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Work it Gurl!

My friend Johann in John Galliano's Paris runway show.

I'm no fashion expert, but is Hillbilly-chic in or did I (or Mr. Galliano) miss something?

Little Willie Style

Sometimes babies ARE cute

You gotta love the good people at T-Shirt Hell for being so witty and daring. Introducing, Baby Hell, their new line of Baby T's actually meant for babies, and not waifishly thin girls.

Speaking of which, I love love LOVE their response to Mary-Kate and Ashley's legal assault on their "I Fucked the Olsen Twins Before they were Famous" t-shirt. Priceless.

If you happen to be shopping on that site, I'm a size small (thank you very much) or a medium in girls and would like the following shirts:

T-Shirt 1
T-Shirt 2

How Many Licks

... does it take 'til you get to the center of... a jail cell?

I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips to the shit
Handle it like a real bitch
Heather Hunter, Janet Jack-me
Take it in the butt, yah, yazz wha

Nipple-flashing, cock-sucking, wig-sportin' rap (p)imp-resario Lil' Kim was sentenced to a year and a day in prison yesterday for perjury. The bitch just couldn't keep her mouth shut -- a problem previously diagnosed by her sex therapist/"client". Now she'll be forced to take a year off from cock-sucking -- I mean, mic-sucking, to sit in a prison cell with other white-collar criminals. Now "Queen B" may take on a whole new meaning.

No worries, I'm sure she'll land back on her feet -- or her back, as that seems to be her natural position -- and emerge with both a stronger career and a new nickname, going the way of M. Diddy.

I think I'll send her a care package with some scuba gear and a dental damn for all that muff diving she'll be doing. Ok, I'll also throw her a bone and mail her a nice big magic stick so she can get her cockdown in lockdown.

Lend a Helping Hand

Thank you Jesus for delivering unto us the sheer ridiculousness that is Reality TV. Not that I wanted to before, but now I REALLY know what it's like "Being Bobby Brown(hand)".

An excerpt from Time Out New York's interview with Bobby (Doo-Doo) Brown:

TONY: You and Whitney are so intertwined in the public mind. Does it bother you that some people call you Mr. Whitney Houston?
BB: That doesn't bother me, because that's my wife and I'm proud of her.
TONY: Evidently, you're very close. There's a moment in the show when you describe helping Whitney with constipation by using your, uh, hand. Were you kidding?
BB: Oh no, I had to. She couldn't go boo-boo. Sometimes, when people are constipated, you gotta help them out.

Celebrities are so glamorous! Whitney and Bobby are just clASSy!

"I'm not doing this with him... todaaaaaay"


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

You're Who??

Dear God,

Please give me the time from my glamorous Taco Bell eating life (gross) to actually sit and watch "Being Bobby Brown." The show looks AWESOME! Bobby's got the self-esteem of, well, an angry black man. And Whitney apparently thinks she's in the TV version of Rent, cuz the bitch keeps singing every sentence that comes out of her mouth. And in this week's episode, Bobby Brown actually goes up to the Dalai Lama and introduces himself as "Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston's husband." That's CLASSIC. That's on the same level as "I'm Kevin, Britney Spears' husband." The poor old man is probably just thinking "Angry black man, stay the fuck away from me!! Go in peace!"


Gotham Whore

Bewitched Sucks My Anus

Bewitched is the WORST movie ever. The only good parts were when they showed clips from the original TV show. I can't even imagine having to watch that movie again. Words can't describe how awful it was. Ugh. Just... ugh... dreadful. Abominable!!

Nicole Kidman: Dreadful. Bitch, you're not that cute. Learn to use your vocal chords!!!

Will Ferrell: I don't even know how to spell your name, but you weren't too obnoxious.

Steve Carell: Does anyone know who you are?? Sadly, you're a shitty actor who's in going to be in another equally as shitty movie, so nobody ever will. So sad. Too bad.

Shirley MacLaine: Work it, love it, Own it!! Loved the purple outfit. Awesome.

Amy Sedaris: I'm sorry, were you even in the movie?? I thought I saw you in the last scene, but I blinked so I might have missed you.

Gay Day

Today was one of the gayest news days ever! The United Church of Christ backed same-sex marriage and an op-ed article argued that straight people are to blame for the supposed "destruction" of traditional marriage.

But the funniest news of the day was the article, Gay, Straight, or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited. Basically, the article just says (to quote Sex and the City) that "Bisexuality" is just a stop along the way to "Gayville". There are arguments that it's not necessarily the case, but I haven't met anyone who hasn't succumbed (or is that suck-cummed) to dick and forsaked the pussy. All my "bi" friends who were adamant about their bisexuality ended up falling off the pussy wagon.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Pussy Wagon

As a gay man, can I use the phrase "off the wagon" to infer my gayness? Alcoholics use the phrase to indicate that they've lost their battle with sobriety. I guess that was the straight-edge wagon. But what if I was riding on the Pussy Wagon? Then surely if I've "fallen off the wagon" I must have landed on a dick. Ponder it.

I'm going to add it to Urban Dictionary. It'll be pussylicious.

Side Note: Google's AdSense declined my "application" due to language content. I wonder the fuck why? Stupid bitches.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Where's YOUR Flag, Bitch?!

According to the New York Times, fewer politicians and people in general are wearing flag pins on their lapels. The publication hypothesizes that this signifies either a "dissatisfaction with the nation's path since 9/11, or a resumption of confidence." I say it's just a hackneyed fad.

Much like slap bracelets and pet rocks, the flag pin's time is OVER. That shit never matched anyone's outfit anyway, and from the beginning it was an affected display of patriotism. Realistically, nobody in this country is patriotic. We're too fragmented a nation to possess any sense of national loyalty. This isn't a tiny cookie-cutter country -- it's diverse. And anyone with a brain wouldn't blindly pledge their loyalty to something that's arguably completely divided (Hello, Red vs Blue.) Moreover, anyone with a brain wouldn't ruin their outfit by clashing a red-white-and-blue pin with it.

So I say "Goodbye" and "Good Riddance" to that tacky accessory. Now if only broaches would go back out of style...

The Fat Lady Sang

... and for Luther Vandross, the show is over. He died today in an Edison, NJ hospital. The cause of death was not disclosed. My guess would be suffocation. He kept getting fatter and fatter and the closet his gay-ass was living in kept getting filled with Lalique crystal. Some faggots like their crystal meth, this one liked them Lalique.

I thought this picture (obviously from eons ago) was hilarious. You can almost hear him saying "Ooo look gurl, I got two!" Fabulous.

Run for Cover MotherFucker!!

Sandra Day O'Connor is resigning and we'll instantly be propelled into the middle ages. Now I may not know much about lawyerin', but I can read; and every article is saying that she was the deciding factor in many controversial decisions. With her retirement and the imminent death of Rehnquist, two spots on the Supreme Court will be open. And guess which dumb-ass is in the position to fill those seats? You guessed it, our Dumb-ass in Chief, Dud-Dubya.

If that slack-jawed yokel ends up filling those positions with uber-conservative judges, anyone who doesn't get down on their knees every Sunday (to pray, dears) will most likely find themselves getting screwed (again, figuratively).

Looks like we'll need a whole new set of Pilgrims, emmigrating from the United States of Christianity to a new land. Canadia's lookin' pretty good. It's a bit cold and people end their sentences with "eh?", but they've got gay marriage and an increasingly better exchange rate. So, in case you didn't give it a thorough considering after the 2004 election, let's once again revisit Immigrating to Canada

Friday, July 01, 2005

Restaurant Review: Tocqueville


For a restaurant which purports to be "elegant" and posh, I was appalled by the ineptitude of the staff. I may have been mistaken, but I don't recall 'Attitude' being on the menu. However, when I called regarding my reservation, they were serving up plenty of it. Not only did I receive a C-U-Next-Tuesda-Y response from whomever answered the phone, but my reservation time was changed without my being made aware of it. Add this to the fact that my party was seated in the front room, where servers and chefs milled about like free-range chickens. On top of it all, the food was the epitome of average -- something that could be found in one of a thousand other New York restaurants. It was an unamusing experience that I would not recommend anyone pursue.