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gothamwhore

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Listen Up

Hell to the yes!

fourfour finally posted hilarious sound clips from Being Bobby Brown.

Naturally, my favorite is "I'm not doing this with him, todaaaay"

But my new favorite is Whitney shouting, "Kiss my ass!"

Yes, Whitney! Unleash Angry-Black-Woman! Work it out, girl!

The "Ex" Factor

In the game of jungle warfare we euphemistically refer to 'dating', it seems like there's one enemy who is nearly impossible to overcome: The ex-boyfriend.

As if dating weren't hard enough, what with simply trying to make ourselves the ideal person, we now have to face ex-ternal factors as well, over which we have no control.

The worst thing about ex-boyfriends is that they may not even be physically present. In some cases, he exists only in the mind of the other person, still holding on to the past, trying to piece together the shattered relationship.

In other cases, he's an active combatant, deviously scheming to thwart your efforts to get up on your/his boy.

But whether the person you're trying to date just broke up with his ex, or is still not over him, there's always the chance that they'll both try to 'work things out' and 'start over'.

When did boys start coming with so much baggage? In the dating jungle, it should be a two bag minimum and they must be checked at the gate before departure.

Monday, August 29, 2005

A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

Well it had to happen someday. And some dumb-ass definitely was going to do it.

Through my random meandering through Friendster this morning (yes, I'm a loser... but you knew this already!) I found a "Friendster" named Tina.

See her picture?


Isn't that some fucked up shit?!

The best part is that she's listed as being "in a relationship." Yeah, with about half the faggots in New York!

Then of course, some dumb-cunt, Michael, has to write a testimonial:

Oh the times we've had together. Brings tears to my eyes and gets me all excited just thinking about you!!

Jesus Christ...

Friday, August 26, 2005

Karma Chameleon

It's funny. I thought I knew what an asshole looked like, considering everyone has one and particularly because faggots tend to be more anally driven. But much to my surprise, assholes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors! Like a chameleon changing colors, what you once may have thought was nice and sweet, may in fact be... an asshole.

Apparently THIS is what an Asshole looks like:


Why yes, Assholes have now taken human form! They've grown to 6'3, sprouted blonde hair, and are named Edward. This particular Asshole can be found at F.I.T. Unlike normal assholes, this Asshole has a jockstrap fetish and is into kinky shit, but instead of expunging feces, this one just spouts lies.

It'd be too surreal to see what an Asshole's asshole looks like, so I won't blow your mind with any circular logic. But since there's no civility left with the world, this is what an Asshole's dick looks like:



Now, equipped with this knowledge, I go back into the world. Asshole Geiger counter in tow, I am better able to see through the chameleons' tricks and expose them for what they are. I could let Karma take care of it, but she's busy bartending at Lotus. Besides, it's far more satisfying to launch a drink at someone yourself -- am I right, Asshole?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bye Bye, Big Cup

This may not come as a surprise to any Chelsea Queens or sofa-squatters, but apparently Big Cup is closing. August 28th is the last day it'll be open.

How the coffee shop can be closing is a mystery to me. The place is a Chelsea staple, for most. For me, it's like a gay fish tank.

The floor-to-ceiling windows made it perfect for observing shade in its natural habitat: the gay coffee shop.

With eyes darting about like a Michael Jackson at an elementary school playground, where else could you find a certain ex-Reality TV contestant "reading" an upside-down book, or an egregiously old man leering at a lithe teenage boy, or a guy "working" on his laptop, hoping that the guy across from him is "working" in the same chatroom as him.

So no more fish tank for me. I guess if I want to look at gay animals, I'll have to take a trip to PETsMART instead.

God, Save Me From Your Followers

Hello?! Are conservative christian psychos allowed to say anything they want in this country?!

Pat Robertson basically put a public hit out on Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez.

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don't think any oil shipments will stop."


Are you serious?! It's like he opened a can of Crazy and just started eating out of it.

His statements received criticism from the Vice President of Venezuela and Fidel Castro. FIDEL CASTRO!!! When a fucking dictator sits back and sighs "That's not right, man" then you KNOW you just said some fucked up shit.

And the best part about all of this is that I'm sure kwazy-ass Pat Robertson is going to walk away without as much as a slap on the wrist. Welcome to America. Where loony-bin statements by old white men conservatives are condoned and nobody's held accountable.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Gay Face

Holy Make-Over, Batman!


Looks like that boy Jim Verra-something from American Idol got smacked with a gay stick... and a Mac counter.

In an interview with Gay.com, Jim said some bullshit about his decision to come out and how he thinks it was the best choice, etc. Ok, whatever, because from the moment he opened his mouth or made a move, we all knew he was gay. It wasn't so much a "choice" as it was just a formality. It's the D-List Reality TV-show equivalent of Rosie and Ellen coming out. The world lets out a collective sigh and mutters: "well duh"

But on the bright side, with his new fagged out look Jim's now fit to be drafted into the gay clone army. Invading a disco near you; to Service without Protection.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Greatest Show on Earth

Pepa is my hero! Hidden talents abound in this half of the Salt-N-Pepa rap duo. Now, I don't want to speculate on how she climbed her way to the top of the music charts, but I've recently gained some possible insights. It's a Surreal Life indeed when your mind is constantly blown (no pun intended) by circus-like feats.

So ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages: prepare to be astounded and amazed by this jaw-dropping experience:

Big and crooked. A worthy challenge. Too much to handle?


Hell no! Mmm, goes down smooth.


Gag reflex be damned! That shit's still intact!


I genuflect to Pepa's outstanding abilities. Looks like I've got some competition.

In light of her exceptional oral skills, I've booked her as a guest lecturer for my Cocksucking 401 (Advanced Fellatio) class at the Learning Annex. Come and get your learn on!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Model Citizen II: ManHunt'd

I was going to write about how I randomly stumbled upon naked pictures of two of my friends who do porn via a posting on Lady Bunny's blog about whacking gerbils in cartoon boy's asses.

I went to the site, thinking there'd be some joke about Richard Grier, and ended up scrolling down only to see pictures of two of my friends. I know they do porn, but it was just funny because I've never "randomly" come (cum?) across them before. So that was mildly amusing.

However, upon further inspection, I found something even funnier!

Does anyone remember that guy, Ron, from Bravo's Manhunt? Well, to help jog your memory, here's his page on Bravo's site: Ron's Profile

You may not remember him too well since he was eliminated in the first half of the show. Whoops.

Strike a Pose.

Circle back to my porn journey.

Who should I stumble across, but none other than Ron! Or should I say "Domino" The pictures are anything but thrilling, but then again, I never thought he was cute in the first place. To add insult to injury, there's even a video of him tenderizin' his meat. The video's priceless, though, because toward the beginning, you actually see someone sitting down in front of him in the camera shot. I'm glad to see that Ron / Domino is just class all the way!

A friend of mine met him before the show aired and at that point Ron said he was a model. I'm thinking that this isn't the kind of modeling he thought he'd be in after the season ended. Either that, or he should have been a little more specific when describing his occupation to my friend.

Reality TV contestants will do ANYTHING to prolong their 15-minutes of fame!

Model Citizen

Who says America doesn't have any role models?

Here's a clip from Leno of someone who leads by example.

He's not only stupid, but he's immature as well. I guess those are two adjectives used to describe a spoiled brat, so he's on par with every other "I got this job because of nepotism" old white man in America.

Thanks to Lady Bunny for finding the clip.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Mag Hag


The latest spin-off of the Vogue brand is Men's Vogue, due to hit stores on September 6th. Unlike the latest brand extension, Teen Vogue, and even the original Vogue, the new magazine is aimed at those who are 'already living the life [they] want, rather than chasing it'. It's for the over 35, established man making at least $100,000.

It seems like Men's Vogue, much like some of its potential readers, will have a stick up its ass. Instead of being a fun, trendsetting magazine, it appears as if Men's Vogue will just be an old man's version of Cargo. What a shame.

If they send me free copies, I'll read it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Launchin' Undies

Party promoter Keith Collins is helping launch Jeff Danzer's new underwear line, PLAY underwear. Keith will be in PLAY's first campaign with Mayte Garcia.

According to Rush & Molloy a number of people are quite eager to see the ex-Tommy Hilfiger model half-naked. This would be a slight contrast to sightings of his naked silouette in the shadow box at Wonderland.

Apparently my invite to the launch party somehow got lost in the mail -- Ahem, Keith! -- but nevertheless, it sounds like an interesting line. The seamless line incorporates special 'under-demin comfort zones'. Whatever that means and whatever those are. Apparently all the lines of men's underwear are designed to "lift and present" -- always a good thing for packages. There's also the iBoxer, which is designed with an iPod or cellphone pocket. Why I'd need to put that in my underwear is beyond me. I suppose there's a "Man Whore" line I don't know about.

Apparently the "lift and present" design needed a little help.

[Just so the pictures aren't confusing, Keith is posing with his friend Ben Curtis, who can now be seen in the romantic comedy, Joy, at the Actor's Playhouse in the Village. It's a cute play -- definitely recommend it.]

When Tweezers Attack

When plucking goes awry:


That's a thin eyebrow. Good lord! Lose any more and we won't be able to read any of her facial expressions!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Queen of DeNial

Star Jones is just a moron.

I was watching the View this morning and the show is just complete ass. It's a bunch of hens sitting around a table providing inane insights into things nobody cares about. Joy Behar (I don't know how to spell her name cuz I just don't care) consistently makes idiotic comments as well.

But back to Mama Jones.

The show had a Dietician on explaining how everyday activities help you burn calories and lose weight. For example, doing a load of laundry burns something like 400 calories. Of course, he had to mention that having sex burns calories. Ten minutes of sex burns 100 calories. "That means you burn 600 calories if you have sex for an hour!" yapped one of the women. Star Jones, sheepishly grins, implicitly implying that she typically has hour-long sex with -- we can only assume -- her husband. The ladies giggle with perceived jealousy.

Ahem. Did everyone forget the fact that Star Jones' husband is GAY?! Gay as the day is long? Gay as the world is round? Gay as Clay Aiken sharing a double-sided dildo with Ryan Seacrest? Capital G to the A Y, GAY.

So then the show moves on to the next segment, about gastric bypass surgery. These two women were invited onto the show to talk about it and their experiences with it. Why does Star Jones just SIT there like a stomach-stapled bump on a liposuctioned log and not say a word?? HELLO, did she not have gastric bypass surgery? Don't tell me it was TrimSpa, baby, that helped her achieve her lollipop-shaped figure. Please. Nobody's buying what you're sellin', Mama Jones.

It just makes me laugh that she's in complete denial about herself and people just seem to let her get away with it. I guess maybe they're afraid she'll eat them. *Chomp*

"Shit this Viagra is NOT working!"

Penny for a Thought?


At the over-priced Per Se restaurant in the Time Warner building, tipping is no longer an option.

It's a requirement!

Just when you think things can't get any more ridiculous in this city, out comes the new approach to restaurant economics: the Service Fee.

Now not only are delivery guys expecting more of a tip, but so are restaurants.

It appears that Per Se is taking some cues from Ticketmaster -- or Ticket'massa as Toby likes to call it [If you don't get that reference, then go back to your Roots]. And we all love Ticketmaster.

Gone are the days of Capitalism-driven dining. We've entered a new era of Communist-motivated mediocrity where servers are given license to be apathetic and sub-par because they end up earning a fixed amount regardless of their performance. If anything, this new Service Fee strategy incents servers to rush diners through their meal, because a new table means another 20%.

The argument for the Service Fee, Per Se claims, is to pay chefs more money, thus styming a culinary exodus. I find it hard to believe that Per Se doesn't have the funds to appropriately compensate it's chefs, considering that the average meal costs around $175 per person.

Although, something to note is that the 20% Service Fee is completely taxed as part of the meal at 8.5% (thank you, NYC), therefore increasing that "20%" amount to something closer to 22% of the total bill. So diners are REALLY getting screwed.

Per Se's clientele are probably used to spending money like water, so I don't think the restaurant isn't purposely trying to be greedy, per se, with it's new policy. However, they're further enforcing a ridiculous trend toward obligatory tipping, which, by definition, should be something that is a "gratuity".

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I Heart NYC... Guys... dot com

I just found this hilarious website that's like pseudo amateur porn, but is also just silly at the same time. NYC Guys.com Apparently all the boys are just regular guys who like to be naked, or something to that effect. Some of the guys are quite hot. But the funniest thing is that on more than one occasion, I found pictures of a boy sticking his dick in an inanimate object. Too funny!

Birthday wishes DO come true!


Bring out the Hellmans and bring out the best!

Lists

I love "Top 10" lists. Here are some silly ones I came across while searching for porn (just kidding ... sorta). They're mildly amusing:

10 Things Every Girl Should Know about Boys and their Privates

10 Things All the Cool Dudes are Doing Instead of Being Lame and Queer and Having Sex

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Recipe for a Rap Video

To make one 4-minute serving of a rap music video:

  • Take one rapper (may substitute white if black is not available)

  • Attached one platinum grill to front teeth

  • Add 2 lbs of "bling"

  • Mix in 50 bikini-clad, booty-bouncin, skank-ho's

  • Knead in $10,000 in cash, to be throw at the camera and skank-ho's

  • Sprinkle in one car with hydraulics, Cadillac, or Bentley

  • Pop one bottle of Cristal

  • Wrap it all in one lame plot line

  • Blend together for 4 minutes



  • Voila!

    AmsterDAMN I Feel Short

    Leave it to a trip to Europe to rip on my self-esteem. I completely forgot that, when I got off the plan in Amsterdam, that I'd be stepping into the land of the Tall and Blonde... and skinny.

    Holland is the land of giants. Everyone here is like at least 6-feet tall, at an average of probably around 6'2. Nobody in Amsterdam has a car, just a bike, so everyone's skinny. And due to generations of national "inbreeding" all those recessive genes have created a Hitler-style army of blonde-haired blue-eyed people.

    I have a love-hate attitude toward the whole thing. On one hand, I love the fact that there are all these tall blond menz walking around the place, looking all euro-cute. On the other hand, I hate the fact that they're all looking for other tall blond menz, of which I do not fit the profile.

    Fortunately, though, with height comes other advantages -- namely length. Pass that Dutch!

    Friday, August 12, 2005

    Rabbi Fellatio

    Rabbi's are sucking infants' dicks. Apparently it's a tradition for a Rabbi to blood with his mouth after a circumcision to clean out impurities. Say wha?!?

    Of course all this cocksucking has led to problems, one of which being several babies contracting herpes (leading to death in one instance) from Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer. Say who?!?

    As a result of his desire to wrap his lips around baby dicks, Rabbi Fischer has infected three other babies in Rockland County, NY. Say Where?!?

    Organized religion is just fucked up.

    Read Lady Bunny's blog for information on the article.

    Tuesday, August 09, 2005

    Fun with Craigslist: Part II

    Once again, Craigslist brightens my day. It's fraught with hilarity in each and every section:

    Men Seeking Men:
    I'm going to start collecting pictures of guys comparing their dicks to inanimate objects. We've all seen them before (well, I assume if you're reading my blog you've either seen or own a dick). I love that this one is with a Metro card. The best (in more ways than one) was one I saw compared to a Time Warner Cable remote control. I know which buttons to push on that thing!

    Writing Jobs:
    Editor with experiance Maybe they should be looking for a Spell-Checker instead of an Editor.

    Free Stuff:
    Animal Rights Activism materials Who sits around and makes Animal Rights brochures in their spare time? At least the PETA people get paid to do it. Animals have the right to be tasty or look cute walking behind me on a leash. Those are the options.

    FREE dictionaries, textbooks Maybe I should give this to the place looking for an 'experianced' Editor.

    Free pet rat to good home Umm... aren't there plenty of people in this city with "pet" rats that they're trying to "give away". Clearly this dumb bitch has lost her mind.

    Wanted:
    Wanted a Labtop Free or Very Cheap I almost think it's cute that he calls it a LABtop. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping that a LABtop is something like a pop-up book made of test-tubes, beakers, and boric acid. But alas, the poor boy wants something he can do his school work on... and "connect to the internet."

    We need an entire apartment full of furniture... You need Massage ... And WE need to lose some fucking weight. These hoes have more rolls than a baker's dozen. They should give up on the furniture idea. That shit just takes up space, and judging from their pictures, these plus-sized fuglies need all the space they can get their chubby little hands on.

    Going to Zambia, Need Some things Yeah, like an AIDS vaccine and a one-way ticket, the fuck, back!

    Monday, August 08, 2005

    Tipping Point

    Belligerent delivery guys: The new breed of New York roach.

    Why have I gotten attitude from more than one delivery guy within the past two weeks? Everytime we hit the part where I have to tip them, they throw attitude at me. Am I somehow supposed to just steal the pot of gold from my leprechaun and give it to them? What do they want from me? I tip the bitch between 15% and 20%, which I think is well enough considering I live in an elevator building that's -- oh -- about HALF a block from the restaurant.

    So yeah, when I'm getting my damn food from the damn delivery guy, the only grumbling I should hear should be coming from my stomach because the motherfucker took his time bringing me my food!

    Guilty By Association

    Today I learned a painless yet shocking lesson with the adage "you are the company you keep".

    I'm in the process of moving to a new apartment where someone I know currently lives. He's leaving; I'm trying to move in. The funny part is that I spoke with the property manager today and she basically said I needed to have an immaculate application, as the previous tenant, who I know, was just a horrible tenant. She didn't specify in what ways, but ultimately she said that because I know him and was referred through him, that I was basically "Guilty by Association".

    Ain't that some shit?! I've never experienced anything like that before! It's almost hilarious!

    But the situation is a little scary because it really does emphasize the importance of the company you keep. Particularly in a city where you can't swing a stick without hitting someone who works in PR, it's essential to maintain a certain image.

    Well, how about this -- if anyone's gonna fuck up my already precarious reputation, let it be me, not someone I know. There's no fun in that.

    Saturday, August 06, 2005

    LemonAid

    The word is out -- John Roberts did pro bono work to advise gay rights activists. *Gasp...*

    I love how everything in this country has to be black or white -- except Michael Jackson. Everyone's making a fuss over what this new information means and says about John Roberts. Bible Belt denizens are freaking out because they thought he was conservative. Democrats seem to be all over the place in their reaction -- I guess there's no point in breaking from the norm now.

    What I don't understand is why this is such a big deal. Can't people make sane, rational decisions that aren't based on their political affiliations? I think a sane -- rather, a secure -- person would be in support of civil rights.

    I've never understood conservatives' disdain for homosexuals. Particularly as of late, the issue of gay marriage -- if nothing else -- promotes a stronger family unit. Isn't that what they want? I don't think gay parents would raise their kids to be gay -- I don't even think that's possible. Mama didn't raise me gay, but look at me now!! *Sparkles*

    Friday, August 05, 2005

    Cigga What?

    Not to hate on smokers, but what's up with the sudden increase in smoking in bars and clubs? I don't care if you smoke (unless I'm dating you), as long as it doesn't affect me. But when I'm standing next to some faggot who's gesturing emphatically with a lit butt between their cubby fingers exhaling carcinogens into my breathing space, I take issue.

    Ok, so I'm pretty much a priss and I'm not a fan of anything that inconveniences me. And second hand smoke is up there as a definite annoyance. I almost wish I smoked just so I'd be immune to the stench and could stealthfully hit on people by asking them for a light. But alas, my lungs weren't build for that kind of inhalation.

    Just a warning, though. In case you forgot, smoking ages you like none other. My friends, who are smokers and haven't seen for a year suddenly look like they've aged 3 years when I do see them. It's heinous. So I'm thinking that really the only people who have an excuse to smoke are Asians and Blacks -- because Asians don't age and black don't crack, so they can afford to suck on a cancer stick every now and then. Everyone else, not so much. You might as well just trade in your pack of death sticks for a one-way express ticket to Haggsville.


    But everyone's free to do whatever they want, I suppose. So I say: Smoke all you want. Smoke until you croke. I don't care, just keep it out of my face. Let a bitch breathe!

    Burn Baby Burn

    As I've been too lazy lately to provide any content of my own, I continue to refer you to others' blogs with entertaining content.

    This time, Lord Valek's blog, with a video of stupid-ass boys lighting their pubes on fire. Yeah, you heard me.

    You KNOW the smell of burnt hair is absolutely heinous, too.

    Wednesday, August 03, 2005

    Say Wha?

    Why did I just found out that there's a "Hoe Avenue"? And why is it so appropriate that it's in the Bronx? That's too much.

    Who Is My Baby Daddy?

    My friend found a link to this hilarious Shirley Q. Liquor cartoon. Ghetto humor is hilarious!

    http://www.sendthisnow.com/html/babydaddy.html


    I want more!!

    Tuesday, August 02, 2005

    Fun with Craigslist

    Sometimes people on Craigslist are so hilarious. I found this posting that's so "Office Space" it's a riot.

    LOOKING FOR A BOSS AND JOB THAT DOESN'T SUCK!!!
    Reply to: anon-88197737@craigslist.org
    Date: 2005-08-01, 9:37AM

    To Whom It May Concern:

    After several weeks of resume submissions (many to jobs that make my stomach churn) and mind-blowingly stupid interviews, I figured I would take a new approach to my current job search while soothing my nerves with this rant that I'm sure many others have felt before. So without further ado here are some of my highlights and favorites of my job search:

    1) The entry-level job: Requirement- 2-4 years experience.

    Let's see, you're offering $25,000 a year to be some entry level dipshit whose job will consist of making copies, putting mail in a box, and putting papers in envelopes to be mailed. It's not bad enough that 2 of the 3 requirements were perfected while in school in the SECOND GRADE!! (Photocopying came a little later), you require that we have significant practice (2-4 years) with some company we can't stand anymore because there is just so much filing and collating one can do before they want to shove their boss in a mailbox and ship his fat ass to Guam. If you want to really prepare us for upper-management, why don't you make us take up golf, shave a bald spot in the back of our head, and allow us to grope the secretary (I mean EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT…hehm) while watching TV in our office in between lunch and dinner "meetings" with people we don't care to be with. I believe I was taught that in elementary school as well. It was called, lunch, recess and dinner with my parents!

    2) Speaking of which: THE EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT

    I do not know why I continually try to apply for this job for the sole reason of:
    I DO NOT HAVE A VAGINA! Sure, I know, we are all equal opportunity companies and would never discriminate based on age, race, gender or sexual orientation. But let me ask you this. Does anyone out there know any man who is an executive assistant? Anyone? I have never met one in my life. Lets take a look at the general requirements to be an executive assistant.

    • Managing phone calls...hmm this is a tough one but let me see if I get this right. So you're telling me that when that black thing beeps, you pick up the handle and you will hear a voice on the other end? After I say, Mr. So and so's office, I get their name and put them on hold. After that, I press another button to contact you, while you tell me if you feel like talking to that person today. If the answer is no, I will think "outside of the box" and make up a reason as to why my unproductive, non-multi-tasking, inept, whale of a boss can't come to the phone. CHECK

    • Book Travel Arrangements…I heard this rumor. There was this thing that our Vice President invented a couple years ago called the Internet where you can go onto this thing called the computer and find anything you want. I hear that if you type in the dates and times you need to go somewhere, a whole list of prices come up for flights on all these different airlines and you can choose the one that's the cheapest. Again…just a rumor, I'm still doing some research on this one. In any event, CHECK.

    • Making Dinner Reservations… Them: "Hello…Ridiculously Overpriced Steakhouse, how may I help you?" Me: "Hello, I would like to make a reservation for two people tonight at 7:30 PM." Them: "Your name?" Me: "Mr. Doctored Expense Report" Them: "See you tonight at 7:30." Me: "Thank You." CHECK.

    • Online Search Skills: What the hell do you think 99% of us do while we are technically supposed to be working? Ever heard of EBAY? Amazon? We are on them in between online poker games. If it's out there, I can find it. I can find you the shaved ass hair of some monk in Tibet in ten minutes if you need it. If you need blonde hair, it might take a little longer. In any event…DOUBLE CHECK.

    • Managing Calendar: Lets see. You come to the office on the late side of the morning around 11. I give you your messages from your wife and others (you ignore them). Lunch is from 12-2. I give you more messages from your wife and others when you return (you ignore them). You have a meeting from 2:30-3. More messages (you ignore them). You head off to your gym/ country club/ golf course around 3:30. You don't come back to the office. Drinks at 6. Dinner at 7:30. Strip club at 10. Hooker at 12. Home to the wife and Range Rover around 1. CHECK

    • Order Lunch: (shaking my head in disbelief)

    • Pay me $50K-$75K to do this, and you can grab my ass as well.

    Other brilliant requirements:

    Thinks outside the box: This can mean a couple of things.

    1) Knows how to organize the supply closet without any prior approval or consultation.
    2) Someone who is really smart who can give me lots of suggestions so I can "borrow" them to save my job, get promoted, and perpetuate the continued tradition of executive morons.

    Disclaimer: There is a very thin line to successfully thinking outside the box, and getting fired. Because if the shit hits the fan, your boss isn't taking the rap for all that outside of the box nonsense. Who asked you to think in the mailroom?!!

    Ability to work in a fast paced environment:
    We live in fuckin New York City. Even when I'm jerking off, I'm thinking about what I need to do next. I think it's pretty safe to say that if you can live here you can work here. That is unless you ask me to make your dinner and lunch reservations within the same hour. Too much information…does not compute…does not compute.

    Proven ability to handle confidential and sensitive information with discretion:
    Your wife and boss will never know what a despicable person you are as long as I get continual promotions and raises.

    THE RESUME:

    You know when you're with your friends and you start talking about your sexual escapades? The time you slept with the model? The girl in Italy? The wild orgy? Yeah we all have stories. But if people know that the model passed out on your couch, you met the Italian girl on a family trip when you were 13 and you peered through a cracked door at a party and watched a bunch of people hooking up in a room while you were left in the dust, your stories wouldn't be "so unique." That is essentially what your resume is. IT IS UTTER AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT! I used to bring donuts into my office on Fridays during my time with a development company. The head of project development would occasionally take one. BANG!- Assistant to the head of project development!

    I had a friend in HR who received 900 faxes over a 3 day period for a job posted on one website. This pretty much means that the fax machine did not stop for three days. 95% of these resumes never get read. You could shit fairy dust, but they will never know because you don't have 4 years of answering phone experience.

    THE INTERVIEW:
    The questions we love to hear…

    Q: Tell me the person you admire most?

    A: The kid whose father is your friend, doesn't have to waste half his day answering your interview 101 questions, and will get this job despite the fact that he went to Apex Tech and didn't quite get the full toolset.

    Q: What do you do if you catch someone stealing? (Trick question)

    A: Nothing. Because while I watch you rape and pillage the company, I will take notes so that when the day comes when you need my help, I will either feed you to the sharks to get your job, or use you to rise through the company in a different department.

    Q: What are your salary requirements?

    A: I currently understand that it you have the balls to ask for enough money to pay your rent, buy groceries, and make your monthly student loan repayment you are somehow classified as "a stretch." However, if I price myself on par with a guy who just spent the last week hiding in the floor boards of a van on the Texas-Mexico boarder, I might just get that dream job call back. How bout this: I am asking for as much fucking money as you are willing to give me. When you tell me how much that is, I will either say, "I accept" or "I decline." I don't want ranges! I want a number!

    Q: What is your biggest weakness?

    A: Besides hiding my complete contempt of you? It has to be my inability to figure out that whole call-waiting thing.

    I could go on forever and I know I am not alone out there. I wish you all luck with your job search. If I made you laugh just a little than my rant was worth it. Furthermore, if you know anyone looking for a guy with a masters degree from an ivy league school who has common sense, knows how to tie his shoes, zip up his fly, brush his teeth, type, breathe, eat, walk, chew gum, pay his bills, and answer a phone all at the same time while maintaining a sense of humor, then send me an e-mail. That, my friends, is called MULTI TASKING!!

    Sincerely,

    Jeff

    Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/res/88197737.html

    Monday, August 01, 2005

    Rainblowin'


    It's amazing how many people search for "Rainblow" on Google and end up finding my blog. I guess I wrote that one entry about those high school parties, but it's kinda shady that people are Googling that shit. Are they really looking for information on those teenage oral sex parties?

    I would have hoped they were googling "Rainblo" instead, but no. Rainblow. Shady.

    P.S. - If you found this site because you Googled "Rainblow" and were in fact looking for the teen blowjob parties, leave a comment and let me know where they are. The things I do in the name of research.

    Must Love Duds

    The dearth of creativity in Hollywood is mind-boggling to me. As if it wasn't the case before, now moviemakers seem to be even more blatant about using a set formula to produce hackneyed movies.

    The latest and saddest display of this is the movie "Must Love Dogs." It's a flick about a 40-something divorcee getting back into dating through use of the internet. It's a pretty typical plot line that's been done to death. So, to make it "unique" the producers/writers needed to add some extra features.

    Having some experience in new product development, I can just imagine how these morons came up with the movie concept. Some idiots probably sat around a table talking about trends, fads, and changing consumer dynamics. They collected all the shit they scribbled on a whiteboard and threw them together to create a sub-par movie.

    Here's some of the crap they probably came up with that made it into the movie and their reasoning behind it:

  • Main plot: a divorcee finds herself dating again - Could this be more trite? But the aging baby boomers can relate to it, so let's go for it!

  • An "internet" twist - Hey, the internet is still a hot topic and it makes the story more modern. Let's have her try internet dating!

  • Family involvement - Meddling sisters and a big family seem to be common themes in a number of other movies. It'll probably work for ours!

  • The Sing-Along - Hey, a random sing-along worked in "My Best Friend's Wedding" so let's throw that into the mix, too. It helps that she has a large family to help harmonize the tunes

  • The Gay Best Friend - We've GOT to have a gay character. Let's throw those fags a bone(r) and give her a gay best friend for no apparent reason. It worked in "My Best Friend's Wedding" which we've already stolen from, so why not?

  • The philosophizing love interest - We need a love interested with "depth" and internal angst, but who's also a hopeless romantic. Let's just hire John Cusack. That's the only role he seems to play lately, so he's gotta be good at it. He's getting old and fat as well, so he'll work for almost nothing! At the very least, we can pay him in Atkins bars.

  • The batty old lady - Since the movie seems boring as Hell already, we gotta throw something in there to spice it up. Let's just Stockard Channing, shot-gun blast some makeup on her face, bedazzle her in turquoise jewelry and let her loose.


  • Add it all together and it's a recipe for Ass. And that's just what the movie was: Lame-central.

    Now let me just say that for all the bitching I just did about Stockard, she was the ONLY good thing about the movie. That crazy bitch was covered Head to Toe in turquoise jewelry. It was Tacky-Squared, but it was glorious. Stockard: Work it, love it, own it!