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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Miss Manners

Slide into your desks, bring me an apple, and listen up, because class is in session.

Unfortunately, I feel the need to school some people on some of the simpler points of culture and manners. Jai Rodriguez's Queer Eye failed to do a proper job. Quel surprise!

I miss manners. I don't know where things went wrong, but it seems as if parents have forgotten to teach their children (who are now my peers) basic manners. So since Jai, Mama, and Papa have dropped the ball, in comes GothamWhore to save the day.

Some tips and guidelines to abide by in most social settings:

#1: Gluttony
In any situation, always err on the side of being more conservative. If you're offered a taste of something, let it be just that -- a taste. Remember, you're not the one eating or drinking whatever it is. You're the one tasting it.

#2: Chewing
Oldest rule in the book. Chew with your mouth closed! I don't want to hear lips smacking or see food tumbling around in your mouth like trash in a dump truck.

#3: Small Talk
Small talk is called that for a reason -- it should be kept to a minimum. I don't need a stranger's life history; I can pretty much tell whether or not I care about the person in the first 10 minutes of speaking to him or her.

#4: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up
Stop talking about yourself. The reason why people talk about themselves is because they only care about themselves. Guess what? It works the other way, too! Nobody wants to hear about you, they only care about themselves. So try to pick a topic that both parties of the conversation are interested in or else just be content with sitting there in silence until you find that topic.

#5: Attention Whoring
We get it! Nobody pays attention to you and that's why you're constantly raising your voice or talking about yourself or pointing out how great you are. The ironic thing about PR is that the power of public relations stems from the fact that it's someone ELSE giving you praise. If you're telling people how great you are, it's just not believeable. So stop desperately craving attention and maybe you'll actually get some legitimate attention. Until then, shut up, just shut up shut up.

#6: Just Do It
Say what you mean; mean what you say. Don't lead people on, don't make commitments you can't keep. It's rude and doesn't help you build any credibility with others. So if say you're going to do something, either follow through and do it, or don't mention it in the first place. Being fake is whack.


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