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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Toot Braunstein

Check out these clips from Drawn Together, featuring Toot... a fat-ass black-and-white cartoon.

Oprah Goes Broke(back)

For all of you who can't get enough of Brokeback Mountain, here's the Oprah segment:

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Donald Chump

Donald Trump is apparently suing the author of a book about him called TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald and the book's publisher, Warner Books. According to Trump, the book made 'egregiously false and malicious statements' about Trump, Trump's family, personal life and business dealings.

As someone known for his proclivity for hyperbole, I can only assume that Donald Trump is just blowing this out of proportion. I'm sure he's making a huge (pronounced 'yoo-ge') deal out of the whole thing. The book claims that Trump's net worth is somewhere between $150 million and $250 million, whereas The Donald claims it's closer to $2.7 billion. I think he's measuring his fortune in AOL inches -- I mean, dollars.

Of course the humor comes in when you learn the amounts that Trump is seeking for punative damages -- punative or penis-tive damages? Trump is seeking $2.5 billion for compensatory damages (he's over-compensating for something alright!) and $2.5 billion for punative damages from the book's author and publisher.

It seems that -- despite not being worth $2.7 billion from his business dealings -- Donald Trump is determined to be a bona fide billionaire from his litigious dealings. Well, we all gotta make money somehow!

Q: "Mr. Trump, what are you going to do with all that money if you win your frivolous lawsuit?"

A: "I'm going to shampoo my toupee!"

...and America exhales a collective sigh of relief.

On TV, 'WB' Doesn't Stand for 'Welcome Back'

Say "bye bye" to the WB and UPN. The two networks are being replaced by one due to lagging ratings. I guess Moesha wasn't pulling her own weight -- wait, is that show still on? I guess that explains why the network is dying.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Music to My Ears

Man, rap/R&B music really sucks lately. I was listening to the radio -- well, on iTunes -- and heard some song by some chick named 'Trina' called 'Here We Go'.

Now, I didn't listen very carefully, but I think the gist of the song is that this Trina chick has herself a man, but some other chick keeps calling him, whereby he might be cheating on her. It's a typical song 'plot', I think. I wouldn't have expected anything earth-shattering in that area from this genre.

But here's the best part, check out some of the lyrics to the song:

Look nigga
Whatchu think this is?
You treat me like a random chick
You done forgot who introduced you to rocks
And poppin all that cris an shit
Who letchu hit it from tha back
Anyway that chu like
And any debts i can pay tha price
I thought i was a chick you would make your wife
And now a bitch cant even stay tha night (You wack)

Now, I just find it comical that she uses "you done forgot who introduced you to rocks ... and poppin all that cris an shit" as an argument for "Stay with me and forget that other woman". Better yet, the "letchu hit it from tha back ... anyway that chu like" is the best argument of all. My trusty Urban Dictionary / Decoder Ring tells me that 'hit it from the back' means 'getting fucked doggy style'; and 'anyway that chu like' most likely translates to 'he fucked me up the butt'. That's quality. What a lady!!

It's hard to feel sorry for woman who opens her man's eyes to masstige 'luxury' items such as diamonds (aka, rocks) and Cristal (aka, cris) and takes it up the butt, doggy style. That doesn't seem like love or romance to me. But then again, maybe I'm not keepin' it real.

Regardless, I just thought the inanity of this chick's lyrics deserved some attention. Not to mention the fact that her album is titled 'Glamorest Life'. I guess that's the betterest title she could come up with. Since when did being educated go out of vogue? Maybe it was around the time Trina's album 'dropped'.

Lay Some Pipe

Every time I look on the Men4Men section of Craigslist I'm constantly amused ... and arused. But this time I was mostly amused.

The title of the posting was: "Want some pipe laid in my ass"

I'm sorry, but that's just priceless. It's so crass and street-ghetto, I love it. Even better, it was apparently posted by someone in the Hamptons. Glorious. Who said there was no street cred. in the Hamptons. Obviously someone's keepin' it real out there.

So for all you out there in the Hamptons who wanna lay some pipe, get in touch with this guy. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

And for those of you who don't know, this is what it looks like to lay pipe:

What did you think it would look like??

Friday, January 20, 2006

Found It on eBay

I found this hilarious video on YouTube... not eBay, but it's really fun. Check it out:

Click here if the embedded video doesn't show up.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Must Crap TV

I just remembered why I rarely watch TV. There's nothing worth watching!

That new show, Four Kings, is crap. I'm just waiting for it to be cancelled. Hopefully next week, god willing.

The O.C. is just a piece of shit, too. In SAT lingo, Aeropostale is to Abercrombie as the O.C. is to Beverly Hills 90210. It's worse than a Chinatown Fendi knock-off. Its only saving grace is that it's peppered with cute boys.

On that note, I really don't like Adam Brody. He seems really cocky. He's like a dork who's suddenly become attractive and now it (like like the blood around his pelvic region) has gone to his head. So unattractive. Though I would like to be around when the blood rushes to his head :)

Monday, January 16, 2006

Ask Him -- He's Rich

New York is a city of coincidences. My friend and I were waiting on the subway this afternoon and -- much to our surprise -- realized that Owen Wilson was waiting there with us. Who knew? I suppose that nose is unmistakable. It was just really surprising that he would be on the subway. I guess he was 'keepin' it real'. A little too real, though, because he looked a little lost.

Unfortunately we weren't clever enough to work it so we ended up getting into the same subway car. Even more unfortunate was the fact that our car contained one of those guys who announces that he's begging for money!! I hate that shit.

Leave it to me to make lemonade out of lemons, though. After the begger was done with his speech, I leaned over and said "Owen Wilson is in the next car over. Go ask him for money!"

The bitch ignored me. That's why he's fucking poor.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

...And Hilarity Ensues

Note to self: Never write stoopid blog postings after taking a sleeping pill. Fucked up shit always happens. Case in point: last night's posting. What the hell am I talking about?? It's totally true, but also completely retarded. Oh what a lovely life I lead...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Early Bird Wants Your Worm

To whoever the really cute boy was last night at xl. We chatted it up because we both work in marketing, but you don't know if your company is global.

Anyway,.. I want your worm!

Popularity Contests

All of these stupid "social networking" sites just drive me crazy. They're so addictive! But more importantly, they're just an online version of High School -- one big popularity contest. I don't mind it -- because I'm popular (haha) -- but there are just too many god damn sites! Friendster, MySpace, Connexion, LinkedIn.. the list goes on. Honestly, sometimes I don't want some people to know who I'm friends with becuase I don't want those friends harassed by other people.

I love the people who have become Friendster Sluts -- or MySpace Sluts -- and are "friends" with like 500 people because they'll add anyone with a profile. We shouldn't need software or a website to help us keep track of who we're friends with. If you can't remember that you're friends with someone, then that means you're not friends with them because one of you is being a shitty friend.

The only thing these sites are good for is tracking and tracing STDs, because 'Billy hooked up with Christopher, who slept with Ryan the night after he got banged by Kevin, who contracted syphilis from Edward'. And thankfully while all this was happening, I sat at home playing Six degrees of Masturbation.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Ignorance is Spreading

Surprise surprise, a movie theater in Salt Lack City, Utah pulled Brokeback Mountain from its schedule. I wouldn't have expected anything less from the capital of Mormonville, but the rationale represents a broader problem which contributes to the further dumbening (the irony that I'm using a word that doesn't exist) of the American public.
"I just think (pulling the show) tells the young people especially that maybe there is something wrong with this show" - Gayle Ruzicka, president of the conservative Utah Eagle Forum

If you think carefully about this woman's actions, it implies a complete lack of the freedom to choose and form one's own opinion. By denying people access to contrary opinions and points of view, you are essentially brainwashing people. Of course, brainwashing is nothing new to any group trying to preserve tradition (conservatives, religious groups, etc.).

The movie is rated R, so only so many 'young people' are able to see the movie anyway. The fact that they won't even show the movie shows how delicate and feeble the minds of their constituents are. If there's a fear one movie about gay cowboys can topple an entire belief system, then it's clearly not a strong belief system to begin with.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought access to varying points of view in order to form your own conclusion was something that was encouraged and is the foundation of an educated mind. But maybe that's just me being old-school. We typically encourage such practices in other countries where the government controls the media and tells people what to think, yet there is a continuing trend in our own country of doing the complete opposite.

The silver lining, however, is that most people (consciously or subconsciously) believe that Brokeback Mountain is a powerful movie. It's powerful in its message, to the extent that it is even seen as a threat by those who fear its affect on their constituents / followers.

Just Say No to No-Doze

I spent the better part of last night on a meth trip from Hell. I decided to document it in this video, where I've morphed into white trash and wore a headband.

Ironically, to make this video, I taped over my episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie O.D.'s on caffine pills and proclaims "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... SCARED!" But thankfully I found a clip of it on the internet. Fuckin' priceless.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Hang Up!

Now you all will understand why I'm so embarassed by gay asians. They do the fucking stooopidest things! Case in point: these guys made a little dance-type video to Madonna's "Hung Up" song.

OK, I'll admit that if you don't think too hard -- which I know comes easy to all you faggots anyway! -- then it's actually a pretty hilarious video. All the old-school dance moves they bust out throughout the video are simply priceless. All I'm saying is, 'what happened to the Roger Rabbit??' They left it out!! That's weak.

Just in case you didn't realize how gay these boys are, you can watch them fag out to Madonna's Vogue. It's so fuh-LAMING that I think I need to go out and bang a chick just to bring balance back to The Force.

Craps is my Shit

Hell to the yes, baby! I'm in the mood to gamble like what. While all my friends have been goign to Vegas to hang out or celebrate New Years, I'm just trying to make it to Atlantic City to chuck a pair of dice. Once I get my shit together, maybe I can get my craps on!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


My favorite phrase / word these days is "Listen". It's just the funniest word because it's always followed by bad news. I've started using it more and more.

When has anyone ever started a sentence with "Listen" and the rest turned out to be good? Nobody ever says "Listen, you just won a million dollars!" Never. It's usually more like "Listen, this just isn't working out".

It's still bad even when it's not used as a means to get someone's attention, but in fact to actually request that someone try harder to hear: "Shh! Listen. What was that? Let's get the fuck outta here!"

The whole thing just cracks me up for some reason. So if you've had anyone pull a "Listen" on you lately, leave a comment and let me know what they've said or what you've said to someone else.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Love and Memories

My new favorite song is Love and Memories by O.A.R. Go figure! Since Whitney's turned to the crack pipe, I had to find something else to listen to. In any case, I like the song, and apparently there's a video, too! The internet is AMAZING!!

So everyone needs to go out and buy the CD, Stories of a Stranger. Do it now! Or else I'll start killing kittens!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy 2000Sex New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone! Welcome to the "morning after!"

Either that's what you look like or it's what you woke up next to. Either way -- ouch!! My 2006 has already started off nicely, so I hope the momentum will continue.

Note: It's only been a day and I've already heard too many people use the term 2000Sex. It's done! We get it.