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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Norelco Bodygroom

Trim a little bit
Trim a little bit of your pubes for me
Trim a little bit
I'll trim a little bit of your pubes for you

There's so much that you've got down there
Just shave it off
So I can stare

Ahh Norelco, bringing bodygrooming to the masses: www.shaveeverywhere.com

Lance Bass is Gay

In the biggeset surprise of the day -- yeah right -- Lance Bass finally came out to People Magazine. He's dating some dude from that show Amazing Race. I guess the guy is pretty cute. I guess we could pretend that Lance is pretty cute. Well, he's cute in a stoopid boy next door kinda way. How anyone thought he was straight is beyond me, but whatever. I mean, he's got gay-face! Look at him!

Now it's just a matter of time before JC Chasez comes out. Come on, JC... little Lance did it... you can, too!

My Super-Retarded Ex-Girlfriend

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend" is the most motherfucking-How-the-fuck-What-the-fuck-just-happened worst movie I've ever seen!! I'm very disappointed in everyone who was a part of that movie and who knew how AWFUL it would be. Holy shit.

So let's line-itemize all the things that are fucked up with the movie, I suppose in relatively increasing order of annoyance:
  1. It makes me sad that Uma Thurman did this movie. Can't she just live off of all that Kill Bill money instead of making shitty movies like this one??
  2. Along the same lines, poor Wanda Sykes. Wanda, I love you, but damn.. are times that rough?? Come to the Dark Side, Honey -- we'll take care of you.
  3. Luke Wilson is getting fat. There, I said it. His face was so chubby. Not cute. Plus, he and/or his character was just overly neurotic, which I found completely annoying.
  4. Thankfully they used a stunt double for Luke Wilson when they did a nude scene, because holy... shit.
  5. That stupid bitch Anna Faris is in the movie. She's the space cadet from all those Scary Movie movies. Ugh -- trying to play a real role? Gag.
  6. The casting overall was just horrible. Everyone they chose -- I guess aside from Uma -- were totally the wrong people. Who the fuck did the casting for this damn movie?! Oh wait, some dude named John Papsidera. That's one for the resume, isn't it? Way to go, John. Way to go...
  7. What the fuck was up with the random scene with the Heatherette runway show?? That was the lamest 'product placement' job I've ever seen. It contributed nothing to the plot and did nothing to build the brand. Wow. How fantastically awful.
  8. I saw a lot of bitches I know in that Heatherette scene, yet I did not see myself! Now why is that?! Not that I would have wanted to be in such a shitty movie, but still... if it were a good movie, I think Richie and I would have to throw down.
  9. But by far the most atrocious thing about the movie was Rainn Wilson. He plays something of a womanizer in the film. What?? First of all, he's got to be one of the ugliest people I've seen. Second of all, he's just a horrible actor. Finally, he's fucking ugly. Yeah, he's SO ugly I had to say it twice. His face makes him look like a mutant. And he's not even funny! He's like a fat girl without a 'great' personality -- essentially worthless.
For the love of god... if you were thinking about seeing this movie, don't. I didn't even want to see it because I thought it would be really shitty. Turns out, I have ESP! Although, now I'd trade in my ESP just to get my $10.75 back.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Listen Up!

So everyone should download India Arie's remake of "The Heart of the Matter" because it's such a pretty version of Don Henley's song. Do it!! It's good for you :)

Congratulations Perez!

Ok, so I rarely read Perez Hilton's blog because it's just too taxing trying to keep up with other peoples' (eg, celebrities') lives, but I just skimmed it and apparently he broke 1 million visitors a day for the first time. That's fucking amazing!

Even though I haven't talked to him in forever, I'm happy for him that he was able to take something he enjoys doing -- stalking celebrities :) -- and turn it into a full-time profession. That's awesome. If only everyone could be so fortunate -- and I know bitches are trying (in vain) to follow in his footsteps.

So definitely congratulations to Perez for his success so far.

This is Wassup --

And now for some daily news that you most likely cannot use...
  • Work it out, Kylie!! Her show sold out in six minutes. Tickets are selling on eBay for 10 times their face value. Wow...
  • M. Night Shittyman is a fucking self-promoting tool. Does anyone actually want to see his stupid new movie about some dumb bitch in the pool of an apartment complex? Sounds like trailer trash fare to me.
  • Speaking of M. Night Shittyman, Haley Joel Osment, from The Sixth Sense, was in a car crash, but is recovering. He's 18 now -- legal, kids!! -- but is in desperate need of our prayers ... for a new fucking haircut!!
  • The two lesbos involved in the same-sex marriage case in MA split up. God damnit! Take one for the team, girls!! If mate-for-life lesbians can't stay together, then what hope to two men have?!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Best quote from "The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green":

"There are three things I know in life... 2) No matter where you move or how many times you move, there will always be an International Male catalogue on your doorstep and when you open it you'll feel fat."

Hmm, it was funny when I heard it. Maybe it's in the delivery and doesn't translate to text. In any case, I hope you found it amusing purely by its sheer stupidity.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

She Speaks!!!

My friend sent me a link to an old video clip from the Joan Rivers Show (now you know how fucking old it is!) where she had a segment featuring Leigh Bowery, Michael Alig, James St. James, some other dude, and Amanda Lepore.

It's kinda scary because Leigh Bowery looks like he's got a loofa on his head and you really can't see his face. That creeps me out.

I'm equally as creeped out by the fact that Amanda is actually speaking in complete sentences. What a shock?!

The best part about the clip, however, is the end when Joan Rivers says "After the break, Phylicia Rashad". Yeah, that's right. After the freak kids, out comes Clair-fuckin'-Huxtable from The Cosbys! That's too much!!!

Slow Down There, Turbo!

So the other day, I got an invite to Ryan Cabrera's birthday party this Wednesday. Honestly, I don't feel special at all since I think half of New York got the same invite. Though, I suppose the difference will be in the fact that I'll actually get in to the party whereas most others probably won't. Ok, actually, I don't really know anything about Ryan Cabrera except that he's cute, most likely straight, and one of my friends is throwing the party.

But I thought it was thoroughly adorable that another friend of mine spent the better part of today ensuring our entrance simply because we both have such a LOW tolerance for standing-in-line bullshit. Straight parties always scare me anyway. Everyone's so pretentious for no reason -- half of them are bridge and tunnel trash who somehow feel self-entitled. I'm sure it'll be a good time once I get past all the fakeness that makes a club or party "exclusive". But I have low expectations for the night.

Ironically, I'm more looking forward to a new party some friends are hosting at 49 Grove. The music will probably be lots of fun, I won't have to wait in a bullshit line, and I'll probably know half the people there. To me, that's more fun than dealing with a LIRR-load of people who've seen Sex and the City one too many times and think they're Samantha or Carrie. Bleh.

Well, we'll find out how everything goes tomorrow. Let's hope this rain takes care of some of that nasty-ass heat!!!!! If the humidity's kickin', I might have to bust out my fro pick!

Oprah and Gayle, Sitting in a Tree...

... something something I-N-G.

Not that I really have any clue what's going on in Oprah's life, but apparently many people are wondering wassup with her and her 'best friend' Gayle King. It seems that people are wondering so much that it compelled Oprah to write a big-ass article in the August issue of O Magazine addressing the topic.

Part of me wants to be like, "Oprah, if you gay, just come out and show a faggot some support!" But then the other part of me is like "Way to be a black woman and keep it on the DL. It's your perogative."

Honestly, I don't care if Oprah's gay. I just assume she hangs out with Gayle King b/c they're soul sistas and she's not trying to marry anyone b/c that bitch, like Ms. Summer, has worked HARD for her money and the prospect of losing half of it to an ex-husband would force her back into Inhale-several-twinkies-for-breakfast Land.

It'd be great if she were gay and out, though. The woman has millions of mindless minions who believe every word she says. You can't BUY that kinda good PR and influence.

But at the end of the day, who cares. I'm not trying to be all up in her shit. Give a billionaire minority some breathing room! As long as she's not hating on gays, whilst being gay... like some RETARDED ex-New Jersey Governors who will remain nameless (Jim McGreevey), then let her do whomever she wants. And if she wants to throw some cash my way, that'd be super as well.

Work, mama!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Oh What a Night

It's funny how a day can start out really shitty and then end up really well all of a sudden. Yesterday seemed like the longest day ever. Here's a completely unabridged narration of the events that transpired:

My plans to trek out to Fire Island for the day were unceremoniously quashed in the early afternoon and I spent the better part of the remaining day sitting on my ass lamenting my ruined plans.

Sometimes, when things don't go as I'd thought, I get stuck in a circle of indecisiveness. Case in point: I spent about an hour trying to decide if it was worth hiking all the way to the Lower East Side for some chinese food I suddenly had a craving for. At the same time, I was deciding whether or not to journey uptown to a party on 109th street with some friends. Ultimately I opted on bailing on both and picking up food across the street -- I'm the epitome of laziness! -- whereby I bumped into a friend working there.

Since I had no plans and it was already 10:30, we decided to grab a drink at Barracuda. That subsequently led to another drink and another friend stopping by. At some point a deviously slutty acquaintance of mine (unfortunately) showed up with some friends who were equally as uninvited.

It's funny how pathetically transparent guys are sometimes. This older gentleman (one of the uninviteds) seemed quite keen on chatting up my friend. When they sat down, much to my chagrin, he introduced himself to my friend and conveniently skipped over me. Being the cunty bitch that I am, I just sat there and whispered to my friend in French, denying the other guy the opportunity to carry on a conversation. Eventually he caught on and introduced himself to me. How special did I feel?! After I forced out an affected grin, we grabbed our things and promptly left. Who has time for lame old men?

Since Barracuda was a bust and we were moderately inebriated, we headed to XES. The place was pretty crowded since it was their two-year anniversary, but we managed to find a sofa on which to sit and judge other patrons. We played an informal game of "who should we have a 3some with" which basically ended in a stalemate as nobody there was really worth the hypothetical effort. So we danced like nobody was watching and drank some more; it was 2-for-1 drinks. Happy Birthday XES!

Several drinks, a dwindling crowd, increasingly crappy music, an unwelcome groping from a shirtless old man who was out of his goddamned mind, and an altercation with a man pissing into a mensroom trash can then showing us his nasty dick, meant it was time to leave. Back to Barracuda.

We bumped a friend of mine, which was a welcome surprise... especially since his friends were very cute and very friendly -- a nice change from the lepers we encountered earlier. More ridiculous dancing -- I jest, it was more like dry humping to music -- ensued as delirium set in. As we approached 'last call' at 4am, stumbled onto the street where we were once again harassed by old men.

The rest is a bit hazy, but it involves people taking a piss in a porno store, someone being literally carried away, and the opportunistic ditching of an old man who was tagging along for some reason. He went to get money out of the ATM; we scattered like birds out of a bush.

Around 6am, three of us ended up passing out in my bed, two of whom were now sporting the skankiest underwear found in the International Male catalogue that I'd gotta from a Genre Magazine gift bag. I bet you can guess who was wearing normal underwear. Thank god. I wish I'd taken pictures. Priceless.

Five hours later, we woke up in a daze, stared at the ridiculousness that we had become, pieced ourselves together and went to brunch like proper homosexuals.

And THAT, kids, is how you go from "let's grab a quick drink" to "Jesus Christ! What the FUCK happened last night?!"

Good times!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Importance of Time Management

Lately, the issue of time management has come up a lot so I thought I'd write a little blurb about how to effectively manage one's time to maximize efficiency. It's a constant challenge considering the unrealistic demands that society and the world places on us, but that's life, so get over it and get up on it!

Personally -- since I'm so anal and make lists for everything (Hitlists are my favorite, btw) -- I think the following Time-Management Matrix is the best framework to use for understanding and categorizing all the things you have to do, thus prioritizing them.

All your activities and 'To dos' are classified based on their Urgency or Importance...

I use this matrix all the time for all the random shit I have to do at work -- juggling internal and external projects with various deliverables and timelines is maddening. At least placing everything in a quadrant gives you the peace of mind that you've dealt with the important things first and if you didn't get to anything other than that, then you're not in too bad shape.

Now, the activities listed in the matrix above are primarily written for work-related tasks, but you can apply the same 'Important vs. Urgent' concept to everything in your life that you need to do.
  • Quadrant I, the quadrant of Necessity, are all the things you need to manage and that need to be done that day (or within a short timeframe). These are things like, ya know, going to the doctor for an RU-486 pill after you've just been gang-banged in an alley.
  • Quadrant II, the quadrant of Quality and Personal Leadership, are things that you need to focus on, because these are the long-term activities that will provide the largest payback in the future. This would include filling out grad school applications (assuming the deadline isn't tomorrow!) or setting up automatic contributions to your 401(k).
  • Quadrants III and IV, the quadrants of Deception and Waste, respectively, are all items that aren't important and should be avoided either by recognizing and eliminating them before they occur or by deferring them to someone else to address. If you have limited time, you shouldn't bother yourself with these things. Honestly, I don't think anything should be in the Not Urgent / Not Important quadrant, because if it's neither, then what's the point? But it could be something like re-lacing your shoes or deciding which shoes go with your polka dot shirt (hint: the answer lies not in the shoes, but in throwing out the polka dot shirt!).
So I hope this was somewhat helpful in giving you a better way to manage your time. Now, if it took you more than 15 minutes to read this, learn it, and figure out how to apply it to your life, then you're working inefficiently and should down some speed and try again!

Friday, July 14, 2006

*Sniff Sniff*

Thrillist continues to crack me up. Today's email on the wonderful topic of passing gas was no different. I'm not sure whether to feel disgusted or well-informed.

Some helpful tips:

  • Avoid milk products (including cream-based sauces), legumes, high fructose corn syrup (sodas), or high fiber dishes.
  • Grain is your enemy -- so the lighter the beer the better.

Hmm, this is why I don't date people who drink excessive quantities of beer.

Anyway, check it out. You might learn something!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Oh the Agony!!!

For your listening pain, a bastardized version of Michael Bolton's "Said I Loved You, But I Lied". Oh yes... more cheese than you can shake a cracker at! Any music video involving the Grand Canyon is priceless. PRICELESS!!!!!!!

Michael Bolton's hair makes me horny ... for Frizz-ease.

La La La

So the song in the beginning scene of The Devil Wears Prada is my new favorite song. Listen to it until your ears bleed! "Suddenly I See"

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

D-Listed Forever

Kathy Griffin ensures her exile to the D-List as she blabs on about how her ex-husband stole $72,000 from her during their marriage.

I used to like Kathy Griffin back in the day, but lately she just seems like a whiney mooch. She's pretty hilarious, but seriously, she needs to stop being lame.

There's not really much else to say about her. Oh, try to find a picture of her without bangs. Her hair line starts in the middle of her head. It's scary. VERY SCARY.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Preach On!

I found Al Sharpton's letter to CNN about sexually-based issues dividing black churches to be thought-provoking. It's a good illustration that not all religious people are fanatics and that rational thoughts can come from those affiliated with a church. Read on...

We are a country now locked into an unrighteous conflict overseas, a country where racial equality is still far from realized, and a country that continues to allow poverty to run rampant from coast to coast.

Yet, some high-profile black ministers continue to employ an agenda focused solely on sexually-based themes, like denying a women's right to choose an abortion or a gay couple's right to marry, to rally their congregations and drive a wedge through our people.

Not only are they speaking narrowly on the issues of gay marriage and abortion, but even as the Supreme Court is today taking on affirmative action, there has been silence from the black church.

Many African-Americans recognize the narrowness of scope of these beliefs. To that end, we held a conference -- The National Conference and Revival for Social Justice in the Black Church -- in Dallas, Texas, last week where more than 100 ministers restated and reemphasized what issues are of dire importance to the black populace as a whole.

And the message was clear. As the 2006 midterm elections approach, we must redouble our efforts where it counts -- fighting racism, ending the scourge of poverty, and, perhaps most importantly, continuing to press for equality at the ballot box.

As we met in Dallas, a few House Republicans scuttled a planned vote on reauthorizing the Voting Rights Act. But if the rumors of GOP efforts to keep blacks away from the polls in Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004 are true, it shows that the main purpose of the 1965 landmark voting rights legislation -- breaking down inequality at the polls -- has hardly been recognized.

That's why I'll be traveling to Florida and Ohio soon to push for the reauthorization of the Voting Rights Act and against new anti-voting legislation, such as a regulation from Secretary of State and GOP gubernatorial candidate Kenneth Blackwell, that could, according to the New York Times, "...hit voter registration workers with criminal penalties for perfectly legitimate registration practices."

Another guiding principle expressed during this three-day event that saw ministers from all over the country, representing all sorts of congregations was the need for the black community, like the Israelites in the Bible, to never forget who led us out of bondage and to be unyielding in following their tenets until they are realized.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was the man who did the most to break us out of the shackles of racism, rallied to end the heinous war in Vietnam and battled for blacks to be treated like others, with dignity and respect.

And he performed all of his acts under the banner of Christianity. The church was his home base. The organization he founded was the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. He was a man of piety who saw Christianity for what it truly is -- a religion that promotes peace and equality above all else.

But it seems that some have chosen to ignore or have simply forgotten the big-picture vision promoted by Dr. King and his kin.

This is particularly egregious considering that many of those who preach their limited view of Christianity do so inside so-called "megachurches" throughout the South, and without Dr. King's tireless work and leadership, blacks would never have been allowed to own the property under which these megachurches stand.

To be clear, no one is denying anybody's right to preach what he or she believes. But we refuse to allow the few to speak for the many. We will not sit idly as these ministers tarnish Dr. King's legacy by promoting their small-minded causes to the detriment of the battles truly worth fighting.

Last week in Dallas, the movement to take back Dr. King's legacy, for the majority of African-Americans who recognize that standing by his beliefs and preaching is equally important today as it was when he was alive, continued with renewed fervor.

And we're hardly done. At the end of July, the The National Conference and Revival for Social Justice in the Black Church will reconvene in Augusta, Georgia, where the fight against racism and inequality and for social justice and universal voting rights takes another step forward.


I thought I was living in a Blue state. So I'm a little confused that the NY court refused to recognize same-sex marriage. What's that about?? It's ignant, that's what it is! Oh well.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Let Them Eat Cake

Wow, two weight-related postings in a row! Obesity seems to be the topic du jour.

It seems that "experts" are debating whether or not children should be called "obese".

I don't really understand what the dilemma is. If the kid's fat, s/he's gonna know s/he's fat. I mean, they invented these new products called mirrors that show you want you look like. And if you're not wealthy enough to own a mirror, then surely the kids at school will tell you whether or not you're fat. So what's the big deal if your parents and a doctor tell you you're fat... as long as you're on a treadmill when they're saying it!

Honestly, it's not that insulting to call someone "obese". It's just a statement of fact. Obesity is a classification for someone over a certain amount of weight. Why hide it from these kids? If you're afraid it'll affect them in the future, don't fret. If they're obese, their future may not be that long. So let's just call it for what it is. Didn't your parents always say that it's better to hear it from them than on the street? Right, Fatty?

Rolly Pollies

Research suggests that fat people aren't as jolly as we all would like to think. The study concluded that obesity is strongly linked to depression and other anxiety and mood disorders. Well DUH. Why did someone need to conduct a research study to find that out? Just head to a Sizzler and ask a bitch!

The study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIHM)... yeah... like from The Secret of NIMH. Loves me some Mrs. Brisby!

Best quote from the article:
"The take-home message for doctors is to be on the lookout for depression among their patients who are overweight," Fenton said.

Instead of depression, the doctor should be looking out for "afternoon snacks" in the form of chicken wings stuck under a fold of fat.

If fat people aren't jolly, then how will we like them for their "great" personalities?

Monday, July 03, 2006

Queen Bee be Free!

Ladies get outta the way, gentlemen double-bag your condoms cuz Lil' Kim is outta lock down!

I guess they didn't have a gym at her prison cuz it looks like she put on some arm fat! How many licks of a Slim Fast bar will it take to shed those pounds?

Well, my day is officially complete.

Twisted Texting

... and Drunk Dialing. Two unwelcome outcomes of getting totally shit-faced and staring at your cell phone like it's the best toy ever. But thanks to LG, drunk dialing will be a thing of the past! Well... I guess you can dial, but the call won't go through. The latest phone, available in Korea, will come with a built-in breathalizer to test if you're twisted or sober. If you're fucked up, it'll block you from calling select phone numbers. Not a bad idea, huh? Just be sure not to block all your one-night-stand tricks' numbers or else you'll be barfing at home... alone. That's a shame.

Saturday, July 01, 2006


For those of you who know how much I love YouTube, I'm sure you'll realize how excited (heh heh) I was to find out that there was a site called PornTube. It's just like YouTube, but chock full of porn! Glorious!!!

Unfortunately a lot of it is straight porn, but hey -- I takes what I can gets. And I take it like a man! :)

Naked Much?

So some dumb-ass boy, Jake Bronstein, decided to post naked pics of himself on his blog. Far be it from me to deny someone their 15 minutes of fame. And far be it from me to deny anyone on the internet an opportunity to see some jew cock. So check it out. It's moderately entertaining.

OH, and for your continued amusement, here's a link to a posting about how he accidentally jerked off with shimmer lotion during Spring Break. Oh yeah... real classy! Who is this 'tard??