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Sunday, July 16, 2006

Oh What a Night

It's funny how a day can start out really shitty and then end up really well all of a sudden. Yesterday seemed like the longest day ever. Here's a completely unabridged narration of the events that transpired:

My plans to trek out to Fire Island for the day were unceremoniously quashed in the early afternoon and I spent the better part of the remaining day sitting on my ass lamenting my ruined plans.

Sometimes, when things don't go as I'd thought, I get stuck in a circle of indecisiveness. Case in point: I spent about an hour trying to decide if it was worth hiking all the way to the Lower East Side for some chinese food I suddenly had a craving for. At the same time, I was deciding whether or not to journey uptown to a party on 109th street with some friends. Ultimately I opted on bailing on both and picking up food across the street -- I'm the epitome of laziness! -- whereby I bumped into a friend working there.

Since I had no plans and it was already 10:30, we decided to grab a drink at Barracuda. That subsequently led to another drink and another friend stopping by. At some point a deviously slutty acquaintance of mine (unfortunately) showed up with some friends who were equally as uninvited.

It's funny how pathetically transparent guys are sometimes. This older gentleman (one of the uninviteds) seemed quite keen on chatting up my friend. When they sat down, much to my chagrin, he introduced himself to my friend and conveniently skipped over me. Being the cunty bitch that I am, I just sat there and whispered to my friend in French, denying the other guy the opportunity to carry on a conversation. Eventually he caught on and introduced himself to me. How special did I feel?! After I forced out an affected grin, we grabbed our things and promptly left. Who has time for lame old men?

Since Barracuda was a bust and we were moderately inebriated, we headed to XES. The place was pretty crowded since it was their two-year anniversary, but we managed to find a sofa on which to sit and judge other patrons. We played an informal game of "who should we have a 3some with" which basically ended in a stalemate as nobody there was really worth the hypothetical effort. So we danced like nobody was watching and drank some more; it was 2-for-1 drinks. Happy Birthday XES!

Several drinks, a dwindling crowd, increasingly crappy music, an unwelcome groping from a shirtless old man who was out of his goddamned mind, and an altercation with a man pissing into a mensroom trash can then showing us his nasty dick, meant it was time to leave. Back to Barracuda.

We bumped a friend of mine, which was a welcome surprise... especially since his friends were very cute and very friendly -- a nice change from the lepers we encountered earlier. More ridiculous dancing -- I jest, it was more like dry humping to music -- ensued as delirium set in. As we approached 'last call' at 4am, stumbled onto the street where we were once again harassed by old men.

The rest is a bit hazy, but it involves people taking a piss in a porno store, someone being literally carried away, and the opportunistic ditching of an old man who was tagging along for some reason. He went to get money out of the ATM; we scattered like birds out of a bush.

Around 6am, three of us ended up passing out in my bed, two of whom were now sporting the skankiest underwear found in the International Male catalogue that I'd gotta from a Genre Magazine gift bag. I bet you can guess who was wearing normal underwear. Thank god. I wish I'd taken pictures. Priceless.

Five hours later, we woke up in a daze, stared at the ridiculousness that we had become, pieced ourselves together and went to brunch like proper homosexuals.

And THAT, kids, is how you go from "let's grab a quick drink" to "Jesus Christ! What the FUCK happened last night?!"

Good times!


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