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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Single White Female

"Like -- oh my god -- Becky, why is your friend's ex-boyfriend stalking you??"

"Umm, I think it's because he either wants to be me or kill me."

Yeah, I've got a case of Single White Female on my hands, but in this instance it's more like a case of "Single Asian Male". It's madness. It seems like a friend's ex-boyfriend is stalking me.

First I saw him out (and didn't acknowledge that I saw him) and he saw me. So he proceeds to call my friend (his ex) just to tell him that he saw me. Umm, ok... random. Then I just noticed that he was looking at my profile on Friendster. What kinda shit is that?! I'm like in no way connected to him at all (thank GOD we don't have any friends in common!) and he somehow randomly found me on there? I think not.

Oh, and he's a pretentious prick, too. His profile reads:

Who I Want to Meet:
"... And noone with an effective IQ over 187, cuz then they'll be smarter then me and piss me off."

OK, if you're so smart, maybe you should learn proper grammar, because until then, plenty of people will be smarter than you. And FYI -- there's no such thing as an "Effective IQ", it's just an IQ, but thanks for playing.

The whole thing is creepy. I don't know if I should hide or join the NRA. Help a brutha out!!! Save me from duplication!!!

Back to the Future

Michael J. Fox is amazing!! The last comment he makes in the video below about how everyone has a chance to make a difference, just blows my mind. I'm amazed by anyone in a challenging situation who chooses to see the positive side of it rather than sulking and festering in the negative side.

Ok, and Michael J. Fox is also amazing for just being normal and level-headed. If more Americans were like him, we wouldn't have a dumb-ass failure as a President and politics wouldn't be an extensive exercise in "talking without doing".

It's absolutely shameful that Rush Limbaugh has the gaul to mock and make such judgmental remarks about Michael J. Fox and whether or not he was on medication when he did the ad.
How does he sleep at night?! Oh right, from the copious amounts of pills he takes. Yeah, it's funny how easily we forget such things.

Keith Olbermann's cunty comments about Rush Limbaugh slay me!!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Embrace the J-Date

So like everyone else, I've succumbed to the dating beast that is JDate.com. Funny thing, though? I'm not Jewish. Whatevs. Minor details.

It's more a sociological experiment than anything else. Lately it seems that every (predominantly straight) jewish person I know who's going on a date has met the person through JDate. Well, they admit it after a shameful cough and a whisper under their voice, but still. So I figured I gotta get in on this kosher meat market! The hilarious thing is that I'm so blatantly not Jewish-looking. So I wonder how my profile will be received.

Since I went to school in Michigan, I figured an appropriate screenname would be Gefilte_Mich, but then I opted for another equally as witty moniker. I also considered creating a profile of me in drag called Beth_Israel, but I don't really look good in drag, so I scratched that idea.

The profile took FOREVER to complete. Jesus Christ! All the questions were really geared toward being Jewish, for obvious reasons -- what's your religion (yeah, apparently Judaism breaks out into even more components), what religion do you want your date to be, etc. It was confusing! But I finally got through the 5-step process and posted a fairly generic profile -- I never know what to say.

I went to search for my new future ex-jewfriend, but didn't get really great results. Maybe this is where all the not-hot jewboys go. I was happy to find another non-jewish boy who created a profile. Some Asian kid, who oddly enough has a specific list of religions that he wanted his date to be. I just thought that was hilarious. I wanted to say 'hi' to him in a "wassup my non-jew brutha" kinda way, but apparently the site charges you just to send a message to someone else. Gee, didn't see that coming :)

So in true jew form, I posted my email address so others can still contact me whilst avoiding paying the membership fee. Ahhh -- take that!! My mind is like a Dreidel at Chanukkah -- it keeps on spinning! Now it's just a matter of sitting back and waiting for the emails from sexy jewboys to come flowing in. Yumm!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Adventures in NYC Dating

Ahh, gotta love the "morning after" conversations. Usually I'm the one with the tragic luck, but not this time. Yay!

Me: are you going to the gym today?
Me: I'm thinking of going tomorrow, actually
Friend: no, I'm hiding out and nursing a hangover.
Me: hahaha, nice. what'd you do last night?
Friend: go all over chelsea.
Me: nice. I went all over HK
Friend: and I was talking to this really hot guy...
Friend: and then...he told me he wanted to take me home...
Me: ewwwwwww. what the fuck?!
Me: did you stab him?
Friend: I will never have sex
Friend: ever.
Me: awwww
Friend: OH. and I went on a date...
Me: yeah?
Friend: and on the date.....
Friend: the guy's bag opens..
Me: ok...
Friend: and Valtrex falls out.
Me: OMG! hahahhaha
Me: did you die?! did he die?!?!
Friend: like 20 sample packs.
Me: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!
Friend: I was like... O M G
Me: well you know, "it's about supression"
Friend: So, once again I'm the butt of a cosmic joke.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Pleasureful Pain

New research from the University of Michigan shows a link between pleasure and pain. Below is a pseudo-abstract on the research:

The brain chemical dopamine is triggered by pleasure, and recent research has shown that drugs like cocaine and heroin amplify this effect. Now, new U-M research shows that the brain's "pleasure chemical" can be activated by something else: pain. In the study, researchers found that the brain's dopamine system is highly active while someone experiences pain and that the response varies among individuals in a way that relates directly to how the pain makes them feel. The findings may help explain why some people are more vulnerable to drug abuse when they're under stress or suffer chronic pain.

I guess that would explain why I LIVE for valium and xanax. It would also explain why I enjoy being tied to a bed face-down-ass-up and having the shit fucked out of me. TMI? Well... STFU. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Tingle Lube

So I love Thrillist; that's already been established. But what I find even more amusing than Thrillist is my often complete ignorance of things that I should fully be aware of.

In reading today's Thrillist on Inebriation Lubrication, it took me a good minute to figure out the backstory to why you would need to use this lube. Apparently when guys drink sometimes it's hard for them to get hard. Go figure!! That's news to me. Sober, drunk, cross-eyed, high, I'm still ready to fuck anything that moves (wait...).

So for all the other people out there who are both limp in the wrist and sometimes limp elsewhere, I suggest you take this product out for a test run. I'll even be a good sport and help you test it out. Why? Because I'm a wonderful human being like that. I'm a giver. Wait...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Anger's in the Air

Unlike most people who feel very zen after going to the gym, it seems that sometimes I get straight up combatative after a workout. Or maybe I'm just cranky. Who knows.

This chick bumped into me on the street and didn't say anything, so I ended up going off on her despite the fact that she had headphones on and probably couldn't hear a word I was saying. That's fine; probably better that way.

Then this little ghetto Indian chick was being all loud on the street like a fuckin' hoodrat, calling to her friends. I think she was in High School or something. I gave her this look like *stop being so loud, it's really inappropriate* and as she walked past me she turned around and was like "WHAT?!" The dumb bitch didn't think I would turn around again and yell "WHAT, Bitch?! Wanna come over here??" She walked away with her friends into a McDonald's. Yes, I like to terrorize little girls. Sue me. Sometimes they just need a good smack upside the head. At least I won't rape them after I'm done beating the shit out of them. Live it, learn it.

After that whole fiasco, which was right after I saw the hottest asian boy hanging out at Chick Pea (yumm!), we were about to cross the street when this car honks at this other guy. Then THEY get into it! The guy stands in the middle of the street. The car drives right up to him, like he's going to knock him over. The guy walks around to the driver's window, which is down by now as the driver is yelling at him. They exchange loud, angry words for about 2 minutes. Hilariously, a mom (kid in tow) just shouts "COME ON! MOVE IT ALONG!!!" Leave it to a busy, crass mom to cut through the shit and take control. It was too much!

Stem Cell Ad

Apparently I've been living in a hole. Well, a hole that doesn't really provide me with access to commercials since I completely missed this ad that Michael J. Fox did to support the Democratic candidate in Missouri [holy shit, can you believe I didn't even know how to spell that state??].

The ad shows him with full-on Parkinsons talking about the hope that stem cell research provides. Apparently it's made quite an impact -- at least in politician's eyes. Of course, the "political impact" it's made is more about Republicans frantically running around doing damage control rather than actually pushing forward any legislature that would advance stem cell research, but you know... whatevs.

Personally, I have few morals so I say bring on the fetuses! Is it fetuses or feti? Cure a bitch!!! Do it today!!! Don't make him go.. Back to the Future! [yes, Bitch, I went there...]

Slow Dance

Ok, so the poem below is actually from an email forward. Usually I find them really annoying, but I actually read it and it's kinda nice. My mom, in her ignorance of email etiquette forwarded it to me for some reason or another. How funny is that?!

I feel like sometimes I get way too caught up in keeping up with the Jones. It's New York -- that's how it is here. But still, it's nice to be reminded that it's important to slow down and enjoy the journey and not to only be focused on the destination.


Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Spaz pop is fun!! And this video is super-cute. Ok, I think geeky is cute sometimes. I've never heard of hellogoodbye before, which means I'm either lame or I'm not in their target demographic. I prefer to believe it's the latter, particularly given the fact that people who like them also seem to like O.A.R., and I'm definitely not in their target demographic though I still like the band.

Sand on my Crack in the Sandbox

OK, seriously, what the fuck?? This is too much.


Don't you just hate that feeling of being at a party full of people... full of people who you know and are friends with ... but you feel completely and utterly alone? It's the strangest feeling ever.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Perceptive Reality

It's a sad day when you realize that your perceptions have deceived you and what you perceived to be true may, in fact, not be. What do you then do if you were operating based on a set of flawed assumptions and now find yourself in a predicament where you have to choose to accept reality for what it really is? What if, then, that meant doing almost a complete 180? What's to be done then?

Sometimes life is crazy like that, where you have to go through excrutiating events in order to come out stronger. What if you're just tired of strength training and just want to burn fat?

Then it's time to join the gym!!

Boyfriend with AC needed

This is SOOOO true!! The language and phrasing is priceless. I love the "PS" ... it's equally as true. Oh sigh!

Boyfriend with AC needed - w4m

Date: 2006-07-31, 6:40PM EDT

I am looking for a moderately attractive man between the ages of 18 and 40 who has air conditioning in his bedroom. As the temperature is slated to reach in the 100s this week, my need for a boyfriend with air conditioning is especially pertinent.

This arrangement is intended for the month of August, however, an indian summer may extend our relationship.

If all goes well, I could offer warmth in the winter.

P.S. No fatties.

this is in or around Park Slope

Sunday, October 22, 2006

You: creepy old guy with a ponytail

Another brilliant post from the Best of Craigslist:

You: creepy old guy with a ponytail - w4m

Date: 2006-08-24, 1:15PM PDT

You: Middle aged man sporting a long graying ponytail while walking downtown Portland this afternoon. You were wearing a tacky hawaiian print t-shirt and Oakleys that were most likely purchased in the late 80's to early 90's.

Me: A dose of reality.

You thought you were looking pretty smooth this afternoon as you strutted your stuff down 5th avenue, repeatedly looking behind you and eying the innocent young girl that was trying to mind her own business. After about six or seven times of stopping and turning around to stare, you pulled a fast one and decided to let her pass you, allowing yourself the convenience of staring at her ass as you made your way down the sidewalk. There you walked, breathing heavily like a creepy old pervert with asthma, getting your fill of an ass so young it could easily be your daughter's. You didn't notice the quickness in the girl's pace as you began hitting on her (while her heels once made a soft click...click on the pavement, they were now at a more persistent click-click-click, as she attempted to avoid you. You have no idea how hard it is to speedwalk in heels!).

You asked the girl if she knew where the nearest leather shop was. You've got some boots that need work. You know, motorcycle boots. You have a motorcycle. You like to ride motorcycles. Does she?

Your efforts were thwarted as your victim darted sideways into an office building, escaping further harassment by mere seconds.

Listen, unfortunate looking old guy with a ponytail, not even Fabio could pull off a creepy pick-up move like that. If you keep doing that someday you might get a swift kick to the nuts (you have no idea how painful a heel to the nuts could be!). Please, to avoid future humiliation, stick to picking up your women at Wal-Mart and biker bars. The hairier they are, the more willing they will be to go home and sleep with you. Also, try to make sure they're legal (since you seem to like the young ones).

Have a nice day.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Deaf Drama Jam

I read this article in the New York Times about the protests at Gallaudet University and found it really educational. It was just interesting to learn more about an often overlooked minority group -- the deaf. The issues they're dealing with at the moment -- defending their culture, determining a stance on various topics, and defining the role the University will play in the community's future -- are all things that other minority groups have had to deal with in the past.

Should all professors be proficient in American Sign Language or should some be able to teach by speaking? Should being deaf be viewed as a disability? Should technology that facilitates hearing be embraced or opposed because it may detract from one's identity as a deaf person?

I thought the topic was interesting. I wish I knew more sign language. It would REALLY help save my voice when I'm trying to have a conversation at a loud bar. Plus, all the deaf guys I've hooked up with were hot, so I guess I'm biased.

I read the article because of the hot shirtless boys in the picture, but continued reading because of the thought-provoking content.


I LIVE for black movies!!! This clip kills me:

Ahhh such quality:

And this clip - LOVE Grace Jones AND her Steel Vagina!:

I tried to find the one where the father says "Don't get pussy-whipped, WHIP that pussy!" but I couldn't find it :(

Friday, October 20, 2006

Pop Rocks My Party

Yay!! I'm so happy that Chip Duckett brought Pop Rocks back from the dead. It used to be my favorite party like two years ago when it was at Plaid and now it's back, just around the corner at Bar 13!

Tonight was the opening night and, despite the rain, it was a lot of fun. Ok, well I wish the open bar lasted longer, but whatever I didn't really pay for any drinks tonight so it's all good. It's like two floors of music and a roof top, which is always good for saving your eardrums and having an actual conversation. I've never laughed so hard in my life, though. I don't even remember what my friends and I were laughing at, but whatever it was it was funny as shit. My jaw fuckin hurts -- from laughing, not sucking dick like the way it usually does. I forgot how much fun it is to just go out and dance, like a silly little bitch and not care what people think about you because their opinion doesn't matter -- hello, they're not that cute! Ahhh good times.

Poor Perez

Aww, why do people keep picking on him?? That's not nice :(

Ok, but my favorite comment on the posting was:

That's a skinny picture of this bloated jackass. The last time I saw him (I'm in LA so sightings are unfortunately frequent) he was fat, fat, fat...and remember, kids, when you look fat in a hoodie, you're fucking fat.
Now you know why I wear hoodies all the time. So I don't look fuckin' FAT!!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome

Wow, I was taken aback by the genuinely positive nature of this posting. I naturally assumed it was going to be some amazingly bitchy and sarcastic commentary, but alas, it was the opposite. It's super cute, though, so I thought I'd post it anyway. I agree with most of her points, although a lot of them apply only to straight men, but they're still endearing qualities.

STILL loving Best of Craigslist!!!

10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome (i.e. MEN) - w4mm

Date: 2006-08-09, 3:08PM EDT

First of all, chivalry is alive and well, so a big thanks to all the lovely gentlemen who open doors, offer up your seats when the Metro is standing room only (I rarely accept, but your willingness to sacrifice is very sweet), and...oh: to the ones who rush to assist me when I drop my purse on the sidewalk and its contents - which are countless and, let's face it, largely unnecessary unless I find myself in some sort of survival situation - spill out all over 17th St. Thank you all very much!

...But the chivalrous acts aren't really what gets me. The things I truly love about men are all the things you might not recognize as being "lovable" or appealing to women. Such as:

1. The hilarious, obnoxious and totally adorable banter that goes on between two guys when they're playing a video game. If you know that scene from "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" ("I'm ripping your head off now...aaannd now I'm throwing it at your body...F%$K YOU!"), that's it in a nutshell. I know it isn't meant to be, but it's just so frigging cute.
2. The sound a man sometimes makes when I walk past him in a low-cut top. Hard to describe, but it's sort of a sing-songy little chirp of appreciation that he literally can not seem to hold in. Somewhat akin to the sound a very small animal might make if you squeezed its abdomen too tightly. (PETA folks please note: I have never actually squeezed a small animal's abdomen. I am merely speculating as to what it *might* sound like).
3. The stance you adopt when taking a good, long, desperately needed piss: leaning forward at a roughly 60-degree angle, one hand braced against the wall in front of you, the other hand gripping your kickstand...I don't know how, but it manages to make you look both strong and vulnerable. I love it.
4. The way a guy will use the pronoun "we" when discussing his favorite team. For example: "I can't believe we traded Player X" or "Dude, we are so gonna annihilate Team X in the playoffs." I always found that kind of sweet and oddly endearing.
5. I'm also rather fond of your forgetfulness. To go back to sports, I think it's amazing that you can forget key dates like birthdays and anniversaries and all that crap...but can immediately recall the stats of Player X, not to mention his hometown, height and weight, and what college he played for. Incredible! I'm much more amused than bothered by it.
6. The way all men look when they first wake up in the morning: boyish, crazy messed-up bed head, puffy eyes and lips, morning wood at half-mast. Awww, ya just look so sweet and defenseless!
7. The act of showing possession by smacking their girl's butt in public. Of course, not all men do this...but the kind I like do. My only criticism is, if you're not going to do it loud and hard enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to take notice, don't bother.
8. The manner in which most guys (who don't have kids or maybe nieces/nephews) hold little babies: ehhhver-so-gently and barely moving, as if they're cradling delicate explosives and are afraid that the slightest movement might cause the thing to explode.
9. When I see that some of you suit wearers have pulled/slackened your ties on the Metro ride home from work, as though you simply couldn't wait until you got home and needed immediate relief, making the adjustment the moment you stepped out of your office building. Ahhh, freedom.
10. The fact that maybe 95% of you have NO IDEA how amazing and perfect you are in all your idiosyncratic maleness. *Sigh* I wish I could date every last one of you...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

MADE: Miss Congeniality

I just heard that Leo Ninja's episode of MTV's MADE aired this past week. I completely missed it, but in true MTV form, I'm sure it'll be repeated over and OVER again. Don't miss it (like I did). Apparently he was teaching this chick how to be more feminine or how to walk or just school her on how to not be retarded. A daunting task, surely.

I love the fact that Leo was on MTV and that he was wearing his House of Ninja belt... and that he was wearing a HOUSE de LUX t-shirt. Hopefully I'll get a chance to catch the whole episode rather than watching clips from the internet. I'm sure it was great and he was hilarious.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dating Pool Size

First of all, I love Best of Craigslist because it brings such wonderful things to my attention.

Secondly, I love this woman for breaking it down. I empathize with a sista because I often feel like my dating pool consists of about 50 people and I've already met like 30 of them, yet I'm single. Scary.

Thirdly, I'm just loving all the breakdowns, assumptions, and estimations that went into this market sizing exercise. It reminds me of the trillions of case interviews I had to go through when interviewing at consulting firms. They're actually fun. Well, I think they're fun, which makes me both a dork and well-suited for the industry in which I work.

Finally, the posting below is actually a response to a previous posting. So this woman is breaking it down for her and throws in hilarious comments like "the lesbian community is notorious for not being able to afford stuff." Ouch! Haha.

re: Am I the only sane lesbian with a house, an income >100,000

Date: 2006-10-12, 1:19PM PDT

The answer to your question is: "Because such women are exceedingly rare."

    Let's break this down, shall we?
  • "Femme" - minority - most lesbians are at least kind of andro. I'm going to say 10%.
  • "Beautiful" - minority among women in general, even more so among lesbians for the same reason gay men are generally better-kept than straight ones. Let's say one in twenty, or 5%.
  • "Make a decent income (> $100,000)" - I assume you mean per year. Fortunately, (thanks to the Census) we have real numbers for this. The percentage of households in the San Francisco Bay Area with an income of more than $100k/year is 27.25%. However, that number is mostly couples and as I'm sure you know, men earn considerably more than women. The percentage of women who earn more than $100k/year is probably closer to that of households with > $200k/year, or 6.21%. I suspect that for lesbians, it's even less, as the lesbian community is notorious for not being able to afford stuff.
  • "owns a home" - For the sake of argument, I'm going to assume that every woman with an income of over $100k owns a home, although this is almost certainly not true.
  • "in decent shape" - I'm going to be generous and assume you mean "not obese" instead of "has a hot body".
    The obesity rate in California for 2005 was 20-24%. Fortunately for you, obesitiy (defined as more than 30% over weight, for a 5'4" woman, this means 30-40 extra pounds) is negatively associated with income, meaning richer people tend to be thinner. However, lesbians tend to be heavier because staying slim in this fattening society requires effort, and lesbians have less incentive to make that effort because women tend to be less snobbish about fat than men. I'm going to let the two factors cancel each other out and put the percentage of women who would qualify as "in decent shape" as 80%. This number is probably too generous, but you need all the help you can get by this point.
  • "lesbian" - I'm having trouble finding real numbers for this. The Census only counts same sex couples, which is exactly what you are not looking for. I read somewhere that the queer population in the SF Bay Area (including silicon valley) is around one million. This includes men and bisexuals. So let's say we have 400,000 lesbians in the bay area. And I'm going to further speculate that half of them are single, which gives us 200,000. This is probably a gross overestimation, but one has to start somewhere.

    200,000 single lesbians in the Bay Area
    160,000 single and less than 30% overweight
    _16,000 single, not fat, and femme
    _ _ 800 single, not fat, femme, and "beautiful"
    === 49 single, not fat, femme, beautiful, and earn more than $100k per year.

    I haven't tried to guess at how many of these 49 women are "sane and ready for a relationship", because I think by "sane" you mean "good personality or at least one I can get along with" and, like "ready for a relationship" this is impossible to guess at. I have not tried to account for the fact that women who are attractive, agreeable, and affluent usually don't stay single for long. I also haven't tried to guess how many of these women would both be the sort of person you'd be attracted to and return your feelings. But we're already talking about (at the most) 0.5% of the lesbian population, or 1 out of 2,000 women in any given area, which is impossible enough.

    Of course, all this is arguable. I am not a statistician, and have mostly guessed at the numbers. But I have been as accurate as possible and made an effort to err "on the bright side" whenever I could. I think this is a pretty good guess, and if anyone else out there has better numbers or calculations, I'd love to see them.

    All I can really be sure of is my own experience. All I aim for is "financially stable", "nice", "intelligent", "honest", "pretty", "within 10 years or my own age", and "genuinely femme". I don't even try for "lesbian" (as opposed to bi) or "available" (since I'm usually looking for peers instead of lovers). I've been looking more or less steadily since I moved here in 1992. At any given time, I know less than a dozen individuals, including friends I've had for a long time.

    Good luck.

PS - I know a recently single lesbian who is attractive, arguably femme, makes over $100k, isn't fat, owns a home, and is intelligent. Oh, but she's a raging bitch who just got dumped. So if you're up for sloppy seconds, then leave a comment and I'll send you her number.

Answer the Question!

Somehow I've surounded myself with friends who have a knack for either dodging questions or just not having a fuckin clue what the question is and hence are unable to properly answer it. I don't get it!!!

Me: Tomorrow I'm joining the gym
Friend: oh baby.
Friend: join mine.
Friend: NYHRC
Friend: full of old people .
Me: yes, I need to lose like INSANE amounts of weight
Friend: hence, you look hot.
Me: which one do you go to? how much is it?
Friend: $100/month.
Friend: NYHRC.
Me: ugh, I'm SO not trying to pay that, especially since I used to pay for a gym I never went to
Me: which HRC do you go to?
Friend: oh.
Friend: oh, you can go to anyone.
Me: OMG... I'm asking you which one you typically go to!!!!
Friend: hahahaa
Me: like 23rd street? which one?
Friend: OMG, the GAY ONE?
Me: or another one?
Friend: ew
Friend: another.
Me: OMG.......
Me: that's why i'm asking you!
Friend: I've been several times to that one.
Friend: but it's very gay.
Me: I'm sorry... are we REALLY having this retarded conversation???
Friend: there are fucking mirrors all over the dressing room.
Me: nice..
Friend: I go to Cooper Union and 57th the most.
Me: THANK YOU! That's all I was asking you, except I asked it 10 minutes and 25 conversation lines ago! Jesus Christ!!!

Stop Asking Me for My Money!!

I'm SOO sick of the Human Rights Campaign. I know it's horrible to say, but I'm sorry... they annoy the shit out of me. They're CONSTANTLY asking me for money. I already donate money to them on an automatic, monthly basis. Isn't that enough?! No, because they always want more!

Now what exactly is my money going towards? What are the tangible outcomes? What the fuck am I getting out of it?? Surely it should at least amount to an unaffected conversation with the organizations president, Joe Solmonese, but nope. Last time I met him, I tried to have a conversation about how I could get involved and help the organization, given all the people Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif know and the events I've done in the past. But all I got was a glazed-eyed doofus. Thanks. My money's really going to good use.

Yet time and time again they ask me for even more money to support whatever random cause they're fighting. It's always phrased as "We just need $___ more and we'll be able to make a difference!!" How about you start making a fucking difference with the money you've got! Surely there are more innovative ways of achieving your goals other than just by amassing large sums of cash.

I've got a wild idea. How about the next time someone comes up to you and offers to help your organization, that you actually LISTEN to the person instead of scanning the room for bulges in men's pants -- the bulges in this case being the size of their wallet. I don't understand the organization's relucance to view volunteerism as an unacceptable alternative to financial contributions. And even when they accept volunteerism, they direct their volunteers to solicit financial contributions from strangers. Stop thinking about money and start thinking about outcomes!!

So as a result of the umpteenth annoying email I've received from HRC asking for more of my money, and despite the fact that they sent me a cheesy pin in the mail thanking me for my contributions to date, I've decided to pull my monthly financial support (once again!) from the organization. If they need my money that badly, then they're not working hard enough to get results for our cause. It's that simple. Get creative.

However if after all of my ramblings, you still care to donate, then go here.

Monday, October 16, 2006

He-Man and She-Ra's Ultimate Blunt Smokin Beats Extravaganza

Old cartoon remixes are amazing!! She-Ra was the gayest show ever. This shit is too much!

He-Man and She-Ra's Ultimate Blunt Smokin Beats Extravaganza

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Suddenly Seymour

I love this song!

I was thoroughly amused by this retarded rendition of the previous song:

Saturday, October 14, 2006

He Cums Highly, Recommended

Sometimes I have the best conversations at 2am. They're priceless. This one's going into my little "References and Recommendations" folder that I'm slowly creating. I suppose if I were something of an artist, it'd be my 'portfolio', but I'm not an artist. I'm just a performer... of fellatio.

Boy: I'm in NYC Dec 2-8
Boy: so will you be free in Dec? :-)
Me: I'll probably be around
Me: I don't see why I wouldn't be
Boy: Yay. I'll be staying at the same hotel as last time
Me: I can't even remember... did I suck your dick?
Boy: yes you did
Boy: and I enjoyed it
Boy: you're very good
Me: yeah, I'm good at sucking dick
Boy: you can do it again if you want
Me: despite the fact that i can't remember it
Boy: I feel so special
Me: omg, it was like 2 years ago!! shut up. I don't even remember what I did today

What the HELL kinda conversation is that?! Oh, well it's just another day in my life. But hey, I'll take any compliment I can get. Although it's been 2 years, so maybe I'm out of practice now. Gasp!!

Enough Already!

So I've decided that anyone who uses the phrase "Whatever happens in ___, stays in ___" should be shot dead in the middle of the street. I'm sorry, but it's SUCH a tacky and overused phrase. I just heard some dumb-ass say it on the street. It's worse when you use it for cities that aren't even known for being that debacherous. He was like "What happens in New York stays in New York" ... right... tacky. He was a lame-ass, too. Complete hipster-doofus dweeb. I assume he's a tourist, but if not, then he must REALLY be a lame-ass.

It's like, "Whatever happens in Schenectady stays in Schenectady" ... oh yeah, that's hot.

So for the love of cock, can we please quit with the lame ass phrases??

Friday, October 13, 2006

No Day But Today

I love this song and clip from Rent.

I know it's passe and been done to death, but the lyrics are so true. It's crazy. Despite my vapid existence, I still try to live every day as if it were my last. Given recent events in my life, it's more relevant than ever to not sweat the small stuff and really just enjoy life. Why bother being angry, holding grudges, and surrounding yourself with people who you shouldn't be around. Life's too short.

Sometimes it's good to take a step back and pay attention to what really matters and not get caught up in the fake-ass shit of everyday life and things that won't really define who you are in the end.... like, a rabbit fur-lined Juicy Couture anorak. It's not important. But it's hot! And sometimes hot is good :)

Thursday, October 12, 2006


I was at the gym yesterday (yeah, you heard me!) when they were reporting about the plane crashing into a building on the Upper East Side. Gym conversations are fun because you're having a personal conversation, yet pretty much everyone in the whole place can hear what you're saying because -- hello -- it's a fucking gym.

Friend: Can you believe the news about the plane crash?
Me: Yeah, I heard about it
Friend: That Yankee pitcher died
Me: As a gay man, I don't care much about sports, but I definitely mourn the loss of a good pitcher.
Friend: *silence*
Me: Ok, did you just miss that joke? Because that was a spur of the moment, customized quip. At least a 7 out of 10.
Friend: *silence*
Me: And honestly, I'm happy with anything that's a 7 or above. Am I right??
Friend: *smirk*
Me: Damn... tough crowd. Too soon??

And that, kids, is how I exercise ... other peoples' patience!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Well Hello There!

I find it more than satisfying when people pop up in your life and remind you of things you've either forgotten or just lost track of. In particular, it's great when someone falls out of your life for a while only to return and make you feel all great about yourself. I wish there were more people like that who would pop back up. It really makes you appreciate those who you've met in the past and the hope that you'll cross paths in the future.

It's especially endearing when those people are able to let you remind yourself that despite all the bullshit going on, you're still a good person. I need to find more of these people and put some effort into surrounding myself only with like-minded individuals. Why bother with anything else?

So today, I like people. Well, one person in particular, at least. The rest of the population? We'll see :)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Come Backs

10 Things I'd Like to See Come Back (in no particular order):
  1. Good cartoons -- none of this Pokemon bullshit
  2. My grandmother
  3. The care-free life I used to live before the weight of the world crushed my soul
  4. Willi Ninja
  5. The fun and integrated diversity of TV shows in the 70's -- unlike a block full of desperate white women with one black neighbor who ultimately ends up getting arrested!
  6. The feeling that life is fair -- in work, love, etc.
  7. Mid-90's eurodance -- because sometimes when I'm out I like to dance down memory lane, not just stroll
  8. My belief that there's such a thing as universal attraction not based on skin-color biases
  9. The types of friends and friendships we all had when we were children, untainted by the superficial crap we have to deal with as adults
  10. Simon Rex, in hardcore porno revival form
Now it's your turn to list out the 10 things you'd bring back. Do it!!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Reality Survivor

In case your ass didn't know, this is how the world works. Sucks I'm not on team Whitebread.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


I came across this little survey of sins on some chick's blog. So basically each one of these things has a value, so add up all the ones that apply to you and see what all your sins are worth.

Smoked pot-- $10
Got drunk, passed and don't remember the night before-- $20
Went skinny dipping-- $5
Had sex in a pool-- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex-- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex $20
Cheated on your g/f or b/f -- $10
Cheated on your g/f or b/f with their relative or close friend--$20
Done oral-- $5
Got oral-- $5
Done / Got oral in a car while it was moving --$25
Prank called the cops-- $5
Stole something-- $10
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars--$20
Had sex with someone 10 years older-- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27--$25
Cried yourself to sleep-- $5
Cried during sex--$20
Been in love-- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time --$50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it-- $25
Went streaking-- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight --$15
Been arrested-- $5
Spent time in jail --$15
Peed in the pool-- $0.50
Played spin the bottle-- $5
Done something you regret-- $20
Had a crush on your best friend--$5
Had sex with your best friend --$20
Had a crush on someone at work --$5
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Lied to your mate --$5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25

Mine totalled only $185, which leads me to think that I really need to get up on the sinning if I'm going to have that first class seat to Hell reserved for me. Because really, all the fun people will be in Hell anyway, right?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Male Restroom Etiquette

I can't decide whether this video is unnecessarily homophobic, hilarious, or necessary and informative. Maybe it's a combination of all three. You decide:

My solution to the etiquettte problem is that I just use the handicapped stall. Why? Because it's luxuriously large, has a handrail to place your belongings (as opposed to the nasty floor -- never!!), and is usually cloistered at the end of the bathroom. Urinals are for suckers and George Michael (oh wait... I heard he's a sucker, too).

Catch a Fire

Last night, through the gracious invitation from a friend at the South African Consulate General, I saw a private screening of "Catch a Fire". The movie is about South African Apartheid in the 1980's and a man's story during that timeframe.

I had no clue what the movie was about before seeing it, so needless to say I wasn't properly prepared for the gravity of the film's subject matter. However, I thought the film was absolutely amazing. It's an interesting look at peoples' reactions to opression and unjust behavior, as many black South Africans were wrongly suspected of conspiring against their white-dominated government and subsequently arrested and tortured. It's also provides insights into the resilience of the human spirit and its ability to fight back in the face of adversity.

I found it also shockingly unfortunate that history is constantly repeating itself, sometimes not necessarily in the same form or to the same degree as in the past, but still nevertheless what happened in South Africa is similar to the Civil Rights Movement in the US, to a varying degree.

More importantly, it's not a large leap of the imagination that what happened in South Africa -- in terms of torture and wrongful imprisonment all in the name of "treason against one's country" -- could not repeat or is not repeating itself in the US currently. One day we all may find ourselves awakened in the middle of the night only to be hauled off to a detention center and questioned about our 'alleged' involvement with the terrorist threat du jour.

Hopefully this film will open peoples' eyes to the struggles of the past and the potential for repeating these mistakes in the future. I also hope it will serve as a case study of a country that made a positive change.

Check out the trailer and check out the movie when it's released.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Stick It IN, Pussys!!!!!

For reasons completely unknown to me, it seems that my friends feel compelled to tell me their problems. Go figure!

It seems that a number of my friends have big dicks (go figure!) and all the boys they've been meeting lately won't let them fuck them because they're "too big". What kind of nonsense is that?! I don't understand all these crazy faggots.

First of all, I can't understand the fact that in a city almost completely filled to the brim with bottoms, powerbottoms, fisting bottoms, and so on, that it's so difficult for a top to find a bottom to fuck.

Secondly, who are these pussy bottoms?? Apparently they're not pussy enough because they clearly are in the wrong "profession," so to speak. If you're a bottom you should be able to at least TRY to take almost any sized dick. It's like being a top with erectile dysfunction -- what the fuck is the point?! And apparently I hear that these boys don't even suck dick for that long. Dude, open your mouth like you're at the dentist and say "ahhhhhhhhhhh :D" Pussys.

I blame this all on the American work ethic. Nobody's up for a challenge anymore. They just want to take the easy way out. I say step up or shut up.

I feel compelled to help my friends (and maybe myself!) out with their pre-DICK-AMEN-t. No, it won't be by taking one for the team -- "Unfortunately, I don't fuck losers" -- but maybe it'll be in the form of some sort of SizeQueens.com site a la Match.com or e-Harmony, like BigD-Harmony. Because really, I'm just here to help people out by lending a helping hand... or mouth... or anus... or bellybutton?


I thought this was an interesting commercial:

How shitty would it be to have to ask everyone in the CUNTry if they'd allow you to get married. Oh wait, that's how it is for faggots. That totally sucks. Not that I'm fixin' to get hitched any time soon, but still... I'd like to have the option of a drunken marriage in Vegas followed by a prompt annulment, a la Britney Spears.

Speaking of gay marriage, you should check out this show, The Marriage Bed. A portion of the proceeds from ticket sales will go to benefit gay marriage rights.

Don't let the double (s)helix fool you, despite the fact that it's about two lesbos, it can still be a good show.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


This picture is disgusting. First of all, whale dick makes me ill. I talk as if I've sucked on one before and found it unpleasant. Haha. Just once, and it wasn't that unpleasant... but I just don't care for this whale's dick. Narsty.

Secondly, I just feel bad for the whale. It looks so uncomfortable. All it wants to do is fuck, but it's stuck in that harnest. It's like an ugly powerbottom in a sling at the black party. So sad.

And what's up with that guy in front of the whale's face?! Is he trying to get some oral lovin' from Spermy?? If I were the whale I'd be like "Bitch, you're gonna need to get me some tweezers if you want me to suck on that little guppy!"

Monday, October 02, 2006

Cum-Stained Pages

There's crazy shit going on in Washington, what with Mark Foley sending shady messages to Congressional pages. Hmmm, why is it that Republicans (or at least conservative white men) are always the ones throwing around their "family values" yet they also seem to be the ones with no values or moral code? Sounds like classic projection to me.

I mean, look at this guy. He's a dirty old man! Give me a break. Why would his dirty ass be chatting with a 16-year old boy?! That's just nasty. First priests, now conservative Congressmen, who's next?? Won't someone please STOP thinking of the children?!

Enough with the Shootings!!

Leave the damn kids alone!!

Now, you know I don't really like children, but still. Leave them the hell alone! Let the kids learn!! The more educated and mature a child is, the less annoying it tends to be. So can people stop shooting all up in their schools and let the ankle-biters learn!? Christ!!

And don't take out your anger on the Amish. They're peaceful horse-drawn-buggy people who make AMAZINGLY delicious potato salad and ribs. Yes, RIBS bitches!!! More importantly, the girls have to wear self-made clothes!! They look so inbred that they look like men. So basically they're horrible styleless drag queens -- men in unflattering dresses. Isn't that punishment enough?! Why do people have to go ape-shit and start shooting at their schools!? Ain't but 30 of them in the whole damn class!!

So sad... makes me wanna eat ribs! *sigh* but there aren't any Amish around to make those ribs. And that makes me wanna cry.

Yo Quiero Taco Flava

Saturday night I saw the funniest thing on 14th Street: a taco truck! It actually smelled really good. I assume it's because it was like 2am and I was starving, but still. It was a trip.

It seemed to be quite a popular destination, or at least a popular place around which to loiter. At any given time there were at least 10 Mexicans just lingering around either eating or (theoretically) waiting to eat some tacos. It was bizzare.

So what did I do to abate my confusion? I fuckin' ate a taco!

It was not delicious :(