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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I Beat that Bitch with a Bat

I almost threw down today with this Bitch on the subway.

"Attention ladies and gentlemen... I am a widow with two children... please give me money... god bless..."

She had this sad look on her face, like she'd just been defeated by life. Her bag was opened, displaying pictures of her "children" and also revealed a picture of the Virgin Mary. She had curly brown hair, and wore a clean outfit from the GAP. The bitch wasn't homeless. The Bitch was just a stupid bitch.

This just pissed me off. Her sad "woe is me" look on her face. I had to restrain myself from jumping out of my seat and throwing my fist through her face. THEN she would be sad. But until then, I wasn't buying the bullshit she was selling.

Sad is when you lose two good friends in the same year -- one you're never getting back and another you're not sure if it's in your best interest to have back. It's when happy memories are suddenly up for debate because they may not have been what you thought they were. Sad is when the city and even the apartment you live in have turned against you ... reminding you of shit that no longer exists or possibilities that will never come to fruition. Sad is having to put on a fake-ass smile when people ask how you're doing because if you really told them it would be a three-hour maudlin rant that would end in them staring blankly at you in speechless shock and fear.

So sorry, Bitch. NO sympathy for you. NEXT!

Trust the Cookie!

Last night I had dinner with my "gay grandfather". We went to some random chinese restaurant in the West Village. At the end of the meal I ate my fortune cookie and read the fortune:

"The current year will bring you much happiness"

LIES! Fortune cookies suck my ass. They're never right. And this one was just flat out wrong! Part of me thinks I should play the lottery numbers on the back, though. Maybe that'll do it. We'll soon find out.

The funny thing is that we both got the same fortunes. Maybe next time they should pick the fucking cookies from different barrels in the kitchen! I hope his is right, though.

Party in the Ghetto

Just another amusing conversation between me and a friend...

Friend: hello dear
Me: yo
Friend: i'm about to go watch football and drink beer (because i'm so very butch). i just wanted to say hi
Me: thanks :-) hi :-)
Friend: i'm just waiting for my boy Edgar to show up
Me: Jesus, you've got a new boy every week!
Me: I hope Edgar is more attractive than his name
Friend: Edgar's straight
Friend: Monday is straight night
Me: oh, that sucks
Friend: he's 40 and 5'1" and puerto rican, also
Me: oh.. my.. god
Friend: so even if he were a homo
Friend: i'd be uninterested
Me: uhhhh... even if you were a girl, you'd be uninterested
Friend: well, he's got a really good body
Friend: and, rumor has it, a 9" cock
Me: well thank god for that
Me: ahhh redeeming qualities
Me: that's still fuckin' nasty. 5'1" is like 2'short
Friend: yes
Friend: he gets ghetto bitches
Me: like, other Mexicans midgets?
Friend: like, puerto rican babymamas with men's names tattooed on their necks
Me: HOT!
Friend: that's my neighborhood!
Me: fantastic :-) Remind me to visit you real soon...

Monday, November 27, 2006

Fear is the Mind-Killer

"Blogging" is tiring, particularly when you've run out of things to say. So I'll let other people speak for me.

The Litany Against Fear
I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye
To see its path.
Where the fear has gone
There will be nothing.
Only I will remain….

–Frank Herbert, “Dune”


...A moment of silence...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Rampant Racist Ranting

Oh Kramer! It's amazing to be able to see the exact point in which someone's career becomes utterly destroyed. The poor fool couldn't really do anything beyond his Seinfeld character -- didn't he have some TV show that was canceled after the first commercial break? And now this...

I hope Michael Richards saved his Seinfeld money and didn't blow it all away on... well... blow. Becuase he's going to need that cash since it's effectively become his retirement fund. Well, I'm sure he'll do a string of talk shows, publish a book, get his own talk show, and do just fine. Then one day a black guy will heckle him on his talk show, he'll blow up again, and then the cycle will repeat itself. But this time he'll have bought shares in YouTube so that will be his new retirement fund. Yay Kramer!! Show us all that despite severe bouts of racist insanity, it's still possible to have a thriving Hollywood career.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Projectile Footwear

Seems like everyone's going the way of Flotilla lately, just hurling shoes at people when they get angry...

Friend: Did i tell you about fighting a tranny?
Me: Holy Shit!!! HAHAHA!! No!
Friend: i fought a tranny this past weekend. she threw a shoe at me. well, more accurately, she threw a hooker-boot at me
Me: why?! what happened?
Friend: she grabbed me
Friend: while she was working the corner
Friend: so i jerked away
Me: what the fuck?!
Friend: and she said, "ASSHOLE!" and threw her hooker boot
Friend: at that point
Friend: it was on
Friend: i chased after her, which was easy, as she was wearing one hooker boot and had one foot barefoot
Friend: and proceeded to punch her several times
Friend: once she was on the ground, i kicked her and left
Me: Stop!!! She's not a motherfuckin' pinata!! Ain't no candy gonna fall out if you kick the shit out of her!
Me: We can't have fag-on-drag crime!!! That's unacceptable!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Walkin' on Broken Glass

...literally. I knocked over a glass of one of those POM Wonderful Tea drinks. The shit SHATTERED all over the place! I don't think glass is supposed to break like that. I thought most glass is manufactured such that when it breaks it breaks into big chunks. This shit shattered into some chunks, some shards, and then tiny little glass particles... the kind that are fun to find YEARS later when they stab your foot.

I'm thinking I should just pre-emptive sue POM Wonderful for making such a retarded glass. It's time to switch to plastic!


Thanksgiving is coming!!! I can't wait!! I'll take any excuse to binge eat. It's going to be amazing. And when it's all over, this'll be me:

Fat-suit Monica cracks me up every time!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The E in UES Stands for "Exit"

New Rule: I refuse to go to parties on the Upper East Side (UES). Why? Because it's fucking far!! I pay an insane amount of rent so I don't have to make hour-long trips when I go out. More importantly, the Upper East Side just straight up sucks!

I went to a birthday party up there the other night and felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Actually, no. I felt like I was in the Nabisco factory, because everywhere I looked, all I saw were crackers! Then I got to the bar. MORE crackers! Best thing, though, was that I've never been to such a white bar BLASTING hip hop music. It reminded me of that scene from Office Space where the white guy, Michael Bolton, is rappin' in the car and the shuts the fuck up when a black guy walks by. Just straight up lame.

Speaking of straight... straight people are just weird creatures. I felt like Jane Goodall, all Gorillas in the Mist and shit, just observing the odd behaviors and mating rituals of a very unendangered species.

Straight guys say things like "Boo-yeah" and make pelvis-thrusting gestures, as if that were even remotely attractive to anyone within eye-shot. I just tilted my head in shame.

Straight girls pretend to act demure when really they'll spread their legs for anything with a pulse that pays attention to them. They try to draw that attention by dancing like a part-time ho from a rap video. Then if someone gets too touchy-feely as a result of their ho-dance, they draw even more attention to themselves by slapping the guy and making a scene.

I felt like I was in some sort of teeny-bopper Britney Aguilera Love Hewitt skankfest. I just kept looking for the exit. Ten minutes later, I found it.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

P.D.A. is Not O.K.

WHY do you look at some people and you're just like "Get a fucking room"!?!

WHY are people super tacky and make out in front of everyone in a bar?!

WHY do they decide to make out on the same fucking corner that I live on?!

WHY was that person me?!

Oh yeah, cuz I'm a tacky bitch. *shame*

Don't Worry Be Happy

A Harvard psychologist conducted some research into 'Happiness' -- what makes people happy, how to be happy more often, etc. Based on his research, I don't really have much of a shot at happiness at the moment. Big fuckin' surprise! :)

According to a Pew Research Center survey, the happiest age group is men 65 and older; the least happy: men 18 to 29.

The survey also found:

  • Married people are happier than singles.
  • College grads are happier than those without a college degree.
  • People who were religious are happier than those who aren't.
  • Sunbelt residents are happier than other U.S. residents.
  • Republicans are happier than Democrats -- but both are happier than independents.

  • That's just swell. I'm an 18-29yo single male, not religious, I live in New York, and I'm definitely not a Republican. I should just give up!!

    Although, it did say that having kids actually has a slightly negative effect on your overall happiness. So yeah, score one for me!! I'm gonna have my tubes tied tomorrow. At least that will keep me happy for a bit. Everytime I hear a crying baby I can just think to myself -- thank god that's not my property!

    Friday, November 17, 2006

    It's only 11:30??

    Thursday night was definitely interesting. After a 30 minute cab ride in the rain to go basically 12 blocks, it already started off a little bizzare.

    We headed on over to the Cool vs. Cruel party that the Humane Society was doing at SOL. If you ask me, the party was definitely more Cruel than Cool considering how we were basically one of only about 15 people there in a space that arguably fits at least 300. The bitch at the door had the audacity to ask me for my name so she could check it off the list. I suppose it's good to have my name checked off on a list, but at the same time part of me was thinking *Bitch, there's nobody else here. If I just came off the street in tattered clothes, you should still let me in just to take up some space!*

    I feel bad for the following people:
    • p.i.n.k. Vodka, because they sponsored the event and surely didn't get the exposure they were hoping for.
    • Mickey Boardman, because he was one of the judges and basically had to show up to a party that was on the edge of Manhattan... in the rain
    • Jay McCarroll, for the same reason as Mickey Boardman, and because if he's going to be a designer, then he needs to actually sell some clothes.
    • Michael Lucas, because just like me, I'm sure he was wondering why the fuck he made the trek out to SOL.
    • Anyone who was hungry, because they had an entire spread of vegetarian flavor-free food that did more to fuck up your breath than satiate your hunger. HOW do you even fuck up hummus???
    • Me and my friends, hello -- because we were there!!! (Ok, and I tried the hummus...)
    Thankfully we recouped our losses by taking a number of these stuffed animal baby seals they had out. I think there was one in the gift bag, too. By the way, if anyone wants a DVD of Jay talking about animal rights, including scenes of animals being bludgeoned, email me and I'll send it to you! :)

    SALVATION! After fleeing the animal rights party, and kicking a stray cat on my way into the cab (jk! even though I hate cats), we went headed Home, to the Instinct Magazine party. Much better! There were actually people there, hot models, and cute boys. Thank god!

    Earlier that evening, I'd bumped into a friend of mine who is in The Ones, and he mentioned they were performing at the party. We made it in time to hear them perform Flawless.

    So pretty much the number and quality of people at the party made it significantly better than the previous one. Oh, and the gift bags helped, too. Rather, it helped that there was more in the gift bag than a DVD of Jay McCarroll. And if it was going to be a DVD of Jay McCarroll, it would have been Project Runway Season # whatever-the-fuck-it-was. Speaking of Project Runway, as I was leaving I bumped into Malan Breton, which was nice surprise since I hadn't seen him since Fashion Week.

    When the whole night was over, we were trashed beyond belief, stumbled out onto the street, felt like death, looked at our watches and realized it was only 11:30. Sad, but efficient.

    Thursday, November 16, 2006

    Fashion 911

    I love the heinous shit you see out on the streets sometimes. Now I'm not one to judge (ha, right!), but sometimes people were some ugly shit. And sometimes I actually have the balls to whip out a camera and take pictures of their fucked-upness for all the world to see. So, World, here goes:

    I don't know what the hell this woman was thinking putting these things on her feet. I don't even know what they are! It's like a rainboot rubber sole with some sort of heathered felt material as the body. All I know is that they hurt my eyes, but amused me enough to take a shitload of pictures of them. The fucked up part is that the shoes match her outfit. Which means she either had the outfit and bought the shoes to match or -- horror of all horrors! -- bought the motherfucking shoes and put together an outfit to match the heinous shoes!!

    How appropriate that the last picture is of her shoes next to bags of trash. It's almost like the shoes are trying to go back home to where they belong -- the landfill!

    I was at a cocktail party in Soho when I spotted this horrendous eyesore. It's hard to tell from the picture, but these are patent leather shoes with black leather pants. Oh yes. It's dead cow in shiney vs. matte finish! Right next to each other. Same color, too. Wow. And b.t.w., who the fuck owns leather pants anymore?! I'm sorry, but unless those are chaps and you're a leatherdaddy or an S&M enthusiast, you really shouldn't own leather pants. But alas... here they are. So happy together... misery loves company.

    Wednesday, November 15, 2006

    Women Can't Drive

    This video cracks me up. The main point is supposed to be about "why women can't drive mercedes", but the funniest part to me, aside from the actual incident, is the woman's shoes!! WHO wears that outfit with those shoes?!?! It's not cute. Maybe that's why she can't fucking drive -- she's too busy trying to figure out how to make her busted outfit work!

    Cool vs. Cruel

    Too (much) fur or not too (much) fur? That is the hackneyed question.

    I'm not really a proponent of animals' rights, but sometimes things stop me and make me think. I got an invitation to the Cool vs. Cruel fashion design awards. I'm excited to see what the designer kids came up with. I'm sure it'll all smack of Stella McCartney, but whatever. The problem with fur is that it's so soft and comfy! It's the same thing as bacon -- if it weren't so delicious, then I wouldn't have a problem being a vegetarian. But it IS delicious, it IS!!!

    Apparently Jay McCarroll is hopping on the non-fur bandwagon as one of the judges. I'd like to see him hop on a treadmill, but I digress. Fuckin', Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell is also one of the judges. WHAT?! Maybe I'll hit her up for some No-Doze if I feel my no-fur withdrawl symptoms kicking in.

    HOW fucking hilarious would it be if I rolled up in there, in full on Anna Wintour outfit, and threw some type of Canola Oil on one of the designers in protest of Veggie Rights?? That would be a trip.

    Kissing Test

    Monkeys are cute!

    Tuesday, November 14, 2006

    Praise Jesus!! Send Money!!

    These clips from AbFab crack me up! Mo Gaffney kills me.

    Monday, November 13, 2006

    Crack(mama) is Back!

    Whitney's put down the pipe for a moment so she can belt out a few tunes for the holidays! She sounds slightly not as good as she used to, but once she detoxes, then maybe she'll get her real voice back.

    I guess she realized that she needs to start making some money because she can't live off of Bobby Brown's millions anymore. Oh wait... it's the other way around. Nevermind.

    And if you think I'm being harsh on either of their nouveau-rich black-asses, then you can just...

    Sunday, November 12, 2006

    Continued Adventures in NYC Dating

    I assume this will be one of the final editions of my friend's latest adventure in dating. Looks like things have finally cum around.

    Friend: Hey, guess what's back from the dead?
    Me: what?
    Friend: MY SEX LIFE
    Me: shut up!! who'd you fuck??
    Friend: Two people so far.
    Me: way to slut it out!
    Friend: I know, right?
    Friend: technically I'm sort of seeing about 4 people right now.
    Friend: How the hell does this happen?
    Me: SHUT UP!!!!!! Who are you?!
    Friend: I don't even know anymore. but I got my mojo back.
    Me: ugh, I wish I had mojo .. period
    Me: instead allz I've got is "Mo' j/o"

    Sigh, such is my life. And on it goes...

    Friend: In the last 4 days, I've had sex 7 times.
    Me: with whom??
    Friend: what are their names? what are you asking me?
    Me: like, you fucked one once and then another 6 times?
    Friend: oh no...
    Friend: it was 2 and 5.
    Me: nice
    Friend: well, the breadown is...
    Friend: 2, 2, 3
    Friend: where 1 and 3 are elements of the same set.
    Me: nice
    Friend: whatev. you get it.
    Me: that was the dorkiest shit I've ever heard, Mr. Math Teacher
    Me: uhh sadly, I do get it

    Friday, November 10, 2006

    Shut The Fuck Up!

    I've decided that among the many annoying sounds out there -- a baby crying, a phone constantly ringing, TV static -- having to listen to someone practicing an instrument ranks pretty high up there. For some reason, there's someone in my building learning how to play the saxophone. It's driving me crazy!! How I haven't found him and killed him yet is beyond me. But at some point I think I will have to break into his apartment and smash the shit out of that damn sax.

    Keepin' it Real

    I feel like I've been having an allergic reaction to fake people lately. I don't know what it is, but being around all the publicists and 'scenesters' just makes me sick inside.

    I was at a Gola event a couple evenings ago and bumped into this gal (too old to be a girl, not so old she's a "woman") who I hadn't seen in a while. She's an aspiring "it" girl, which I find to be a bit distasteful for someone who isn't under 25. To me, she's one of those tragic people who will always be searching for something, to become someone, and I don't think it will ever happen. Even if it does happen, she'll always want more and will never be satisfied.

    After the Gola party, I was invited to a Project Runway party. As fun as that may sound, I was already home and just wasn't excited to go back out and be fake around complete strangers. I chose to stay home and watch Season 1 of Lost. I ended up talking to a boy I went on a date with a while back, which was nice. I caught up with some other friends and just generally had a chill night at home to myself. I think I made the right choice.

    Wednesday, November 08, 2006

    Miss Jackson You is Nasty

    Another random yet amusing conversation I thought I'd share. My friends are perverts. I guess that's why they're so much fun!

    Friend: there was a boy at work today that looked just like you
    Friend: it was really hot
    Me: hahaha, umm, I guess that's a compliment? :-)
    Friend: yes
    Friend: i got hard
    Me: hahaha, hot :-)
    Friend: yeah
    Friend: then i got home and stroked
    Me: niiiice :-) did you think about him or me?
    Friend: you!
    Friend: and putting it in your tight little bum
    Me: as you should have!
    Friend: and so it goes

    Cuz You Act a Bit Gay

    "... you like to go down
    you stick out your ass
    then you turn yourself around"

    What's up with Daniel Powter? Is he gay or just a drug addict? Is it sad that I can't tell the difference between the two? He acts pretty gay, though.

    Tuesday, November 07, 2006

    Have You Called Jenny Yet?

    MOVE, Bitch! Get out the way!

    Kirstie Alley looks like she lost some weight. Now she's giving J-Lo a run for her money.

    Party Game Goes Awry

    Man, I thought I had shitty friends. This guy's girlfriend turned him in after he (stupidly) blurted out that he shot a man in the head. I assume they were playing Truth or Dare. This, kids, is why you always take the DARE!!! Nevermind that someone might dare you to put your nuts up against a live battery. It's better than being in jail!! Silly kids and their silly games.

    Sunday, November 05, 2006

    Democrazy is Broken!

    Democracy doesn't work. Why? Because despite the fact that we can all vote, idiots like me have no idea how to actually vote. What do I have to do? Where do I go? Forget about whether or not I even know who's running for whatever positions are out there, I don't even know where to go to check the box off!

    I remember doing it last time, but I think it was a fluke as I had no idea what was going on, but somehow managed to pull through. Unfortunately this means that I'll have to half-ass it again. Hopefully it'll all work out.



    "Girl, gimmie a hand with my balls. I can't make it up this ladder on my own"


    Friday, November 03, 2006

    Jesus Freaks Like Cock

    Gee, it's funny how the people who hate homosexuals the most actually turn out to be cock-hungry homos themselves. Funny business, that.

    This pastor, Rev. Ted Haggard, has admitted to buying meth and contacting a male prostitute. Hmm, if ringing up a male giggalo and buying tina isn't gay, then I don't know what is. Replace the tina with Starbucks and that's just another Saturday night for me!

    "I never kept it very long because it was wrong. I was tempted. I bought it. But I never used it."

    Is he talking about the prostitute or the meth? I'm confused.

    Doogie does Dudes

    File this under "S" for "Shit we already knew", but apparently Neil Patrick Harris has decided to come out. Good for him. I don't understand why he came out to People Magazine, a la Lance (dum)Bass, but whatever... I guess nobody else thought it was a story, as everyone on the planet already knew he was gay.

    Next thing you know, Miss J. will come out and tell us she's a bottom. Lies!

    He-Man and She-Ra Educate

    This PSA cracks me up. If only I had seen it when I was a child... then I would have known to tell a Rabbi that my Priest was touching me in an inappropriate way that felt SOOO good.

    Thank you He-Man and She-Ra!!

    Thursday, November 02, 2006

    Living Off the Street

    A friend of mine has adopted this mentality that whatever he needs, the Street will provide it. It's a hilarious concept based on multiple experiences which, if I were to have had them, would lead me to a similar theory.

    To date, my friend has found Weed, Scissor Sister tickets, and a Halloween Costume all on the street. I, in turn, have found 20-bucks on the street.

    Whatever you need, the street shall provide it.

    The weed was found around his apartment. One day he was just walking along the street, looked down, and suddenly there it was -- a bag of weed -- right in front of him. He looked around and then snatched it up. Score!

    I was walking with a friend to dinner one night near my apartment, saw a folded up $20 on the ground and didn't even break stride to reach down and pick it up. Thank you, Free Dinner.

    He'd been wanting to go to the Scissor Sisters concert for a while, but general admission tickets were $125 (ridiculous, if you ask me!). Suddenly he found himself walking past Hammerstein (where the concert was at) and was offered tickets for $40 by some random guy on the street.

    Halloween night, we were walking along 8th Avenue and he found a pair of fairy wings on the street. Instant costume! How crazy is that?! Well, the wings lasted all of 3 pictures before they were ditched, but still... it was good times.

    While he's not ready to fully embrace the Street yet, he did say that if he ever found a bag of blow while walking down the street then that will be the day that he gives up his apartment and just moves to the sidewalk because at that point the Street will have provided him with everything he could ever need: sex, clothing, entertainment, and drugs.

    Wednesday, November 01, 2006

    We Bring Awkward Experiences to Life

    God bless technology and all it's done for us. Unlike the Amish, we can now drive at ludicrous speed and live under lights all through the night.

    However, there's a sinister, downside to technology that few people acknowledge. It has facilitated numerous awkward interactions that would otherwise have never happened.

    For instance, a friend was recently reunited with his father whom he hadn't seen for years, as a result of a MySpace profile. "Who I want to meet: My children [name], [name], and [name]." My friend's brother's profile: "Who I want to meet: My father". Very sweet and cute, I think. However, it was an awkward interaction for my friend.

    Old High School friends who pop up out of nowhere and who you barely remember because who can remember ANYTHING from High School (unless you were the 'star quarterback' and that's basically where your life peaked). That's an awkward conversation when you have to ask a slew of questions just to figure out how the hell you knew the person only to realize that it's someone you really wanted to avoid talking to all together because she was like captain of the Yearbook Committee.

    Or better yet, a friend's ex-boyfriend stalking you on Friendster only to ask you questions to which he obviously knows the answer. Somehow I'm compelled to respond just to play the game.

    So yes, technology is a wonderful thing. But if this shit keeps up, I may join the Amish. I'd rather get a bullet shot at me than an awkward Friendster message! (too soon??)