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Sunday, November 19, 2006

The E in UES Stands for "Exit"

New Rule: I refuse to go to parties on the Upper East Side (UES). Why? Because it's fucking far!! I pay an insane amount of rent so I don't have to make hour-long trips when I go out. More importantly, the Upper East Side just straight up sucks!

I went to a birthday party up there the other night and felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Actually, no. I felt like I was in the Nabisco factory, because everywhere I looked, all I saw were crackers! Then I got to the bar. MORE crackers! Best thing, though, was that I've never been to such a white bar BLASTING hip hop music. It reminded me of that scene from Office Space where the white guy, Michael Bolton, is rappin' in the car and the shuts the fuck up when a black guy walks by. Just straight up lame.

Speaking of straight... straight people are just weird creatures. I felt like Jane Goodall, all Gorillas in the Mist and shit, just observing the odd behaviors and mating rituals of a very unendangered species.

Straight guys say things like "Boo-yeah" and make pelvis-thrusting gestures, as if that were even remotely attractive to anyone within eye-shot. I just tilted my head in shame.

Straight girls pretend to act demure when really they'll spread their legs for anything with a pulse that pays attention to them. They try to draw that attention by dancing like a part-time ho from a rap video. Then if someone gets too touchy-feely as a result of their ho-dance, they draw even more attention to themselves by slapping the guy and making a scene.

I felt like I was in some sort of teeny-bopper Britney Aguilera Love Hewitt skankfest. I just kept looking for the exit. Ten minutes later, I found it.


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