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gothamwhore

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Just taking up space

Evidently I enjoy filling these things out. Since I'm sure my MySpace "friends" are tired of reading this shit, I figured I'd post it on here instead. Lucky you!

--------------------------------

WOULD YOU RATHER BE CALLED...
01. Babe or Baby: Neither, but people call me "babe" sometimes.
02. Sweetie or Honey: Seriously... who calls people these things? Honey, I guess...
03. Darling or Hun: Hun?

PRESENTLY...
01. Is your hair wet?: Nope... surprisingly ??
02. Is your phone right by you?: Oddly enough, no.
03. Do you miss someone?: I miss everyone! I have bad aim.
04. Are you wearing chapstick?: no... but I'm desperately searching for it!
05. Are you tired? yes ... because I just woke up.
06. Are you excited for tomorrow?: Moderately... I hate New Years Eve, but I'm going to have fun this year :)
07. Are you watching tv?: No
08. Are you wearing pajamas?: Ummm, is someone else's semen considered pajamas?

HAVE YOU...
01. Recently done anything you regret?: Most likely
02. Ever lied? Silly.. I never lie! I only stretch the truth beyond the point of recognition.
03. Ever stuck gum under a desk? Yeah.. I'm "that guy" :(
04. Ever kicked someone? No lately, but there's a bitch I'm just DYING to kick the next time I see him!!
05. Ever tripped over your own feet? With every step I take...


TODAY...
01. Did you yell at someone? Not yet, thank god.
02. Have you gotten mad at someone? I just woke up and haven't talked to anyone, so it's too early for that.
03. Have you cried?: No.. I usually save my crying for just before bed, thank you!
04. Did u call 3 or more people?: Hello. Just woke up.
05. Have you IM'd more than 3 people?: OK, yes. Haha.



Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: Probably.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: TAO ... last night... for dinner and such.

Q: Who do you like more, your mom or dad?
A: Depends on the day, mood, topic, and interaction.

Q: Do you have any siblings?
A: One younger sister, who's more of an adult than I am... scary, but not a difficult task :)

Q: Do you want children?
A: I just saw "Cheaper by the Dozen". As such, I want to kill children, not adopt them.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Only when winked at ;-)

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
A: Maybe ... although I hope it's in a good way and not a scheming plotful way.

Q: Do you wish on stars?
A: It's New York ... there are no stars in the sky, just in the restaurants ... serving you your dinner :)

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
A: No, cuz i'm a lazy bitch like that.

Q: When did you last cry?
A: Let's see, I cried for Argentina two days ago... and over spilt milk last night, so I guess last night.

Q: Do you like your handwriting?
A: Yes. It's cute, just like the hand that wrote it!

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I am the friendliest person you'll never meet!

Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
A: Ummm...

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: If I say "white" will you get the joke from the first couple of questions??

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: I don't do animals... that'd be beastiality.

Q: What are the color of your bedsheets?
A: Grey

Q: What were you doing at 3pm yesterday?
A: Shopping

Q: I can't wait until..
A: ... we have a new President?

Q: Look to your right.What's there?
A: my mouse... duh!

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep?
A: Hello! Last night?? Spilt milk! Remember?

Q: Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
A: Hmmm... I don't know that I have.

Q: Song that makes you cry or really emotional?
A: What's with all the crying questions??

Q: Has anyone ever said 'I love you.' to you?
A: Of course

Q: If yes, do you think they meant it?
A: Who wouldn't??? Look at me!! :)

Run for Cover, Motherfucker!

I love that CNN delivers hard-hitting news to my desktop. Important news like President Bush hiding from a Tornado is really something I need to know about.

More interesting, though, is the impact that said tornado had on President Bush's day.
The rush to the tornado shelter interrupted Bush's day at the ranch, where he received calls to wish him a happy new year from outgoing U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who is visiting Miami, also called Bush to talk about Iraq.

Riiiiight... what would he have done if he were actually around to take those "Happy New Year" calls? Wait 7 minutes, sitting there blinking, and then respond?

Does our President do anything besides stir up trouble and look stupid doing it? Apparently. He gabs on the phone about his new year resolutions...

Bush's New Year Resolutions:
  1. Learn to read
  2. Learn to speak more better
  3. Convince dad to eat broccoli again. Cancer's not going to cure itself!
  4. Be a good President
  5. Finally find out what happens to Goldilocks after she meets those bears
Fantastic!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Song of the Day: Fidelity

This is my new Song du Jour: Regina Spektor - "Fidelity". The video's cute. I dunno what's up with her hair at the end, though. Looks like her stylist went cross-eyed or something.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Soccer Playas

I found this video clip from DListed. It's hot and pretty fuckin' hilarious at the same time. It's a video of three British soccer ('football') players banging this chick. It's totally "not suitable for work", unless you work at "that kinda" place.

I just think it's the funniest thing because there's one guy fuckin' the chick, then she's all sucking up on this other guy's dick, and then there are two guys standing at the side of the bed just jerking off. Isn't that a bit odd? Shouldn't straight guys not be getting off to their teammates fucking some random skank? Whatever, it's still pretty funny... especially when the chick starts giggling.

Here's the link: http://www.totallynsfw.com/videos/videos_english_football_roasting_romp/

It may take a couple tries to load.

Shut the Fuck Up, David

Ok, so I can't stand Richard Simmons, but somehow this clip makes me not be able to stand David Letterman even more than Richard Simmons. Let a bitch talk!!! People who interrupt others just annoy me. Letterman needs to take some ritalin and shut the fuck up.



Although, it's pretty funny when Richard Simmons scampers away at the end.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Animal Rights on Passenger Flights?

Lately it seems the issue of Animal Rights has come up in my life. Personally, I don't think animals have any rights. They pretty much have the right to be a human's property, just like a weekender bag or a scarf. They also have the right to try out my make-up before it touches my skin.

One fairly big pet peeve of mine is the way animal owners/lovers handle their pets. Pets are just that, yet somehow pet owners seem to be under the impression that they have been elevated to "person" status... sleeping in the same bed as you, walking on top of the dinner table, putting their paws on guests' shirts when greeting them. Unacceptable. Animals aren't children. Civilized people shouldn't have to endure animals' torturous behaviors simply because it's not ethically or socially acceptable -- we reserve that level of tolerance for our offspring.

It came to my attention recently that pets are now allowed to fly on airplanes. Now, I assume that pets could always fly on airplanes, but now certain pets are able to fly in the passenger cabin with you. The pet must be a domestic animal and kept in one of those travelling cages and must be able to fit under the passenger's chair. I'm not sure if the passenger has to pay more to bring his/her pet along, but I would hope so. In any case, the passenger isn't paying the equivalent of an extra seat for the pet.

Given the fact that a number of people are allergic to cats and dogs, what happens if these things are on the same flight as you? Well, in one American Airlines flight that my parents were on, the passengers were asked if anyone was allergic to cats as one was on board. My mother is allergic to cats, so she mentioned that. The stewardess proceeded to suggest that my mother move to a seat at the back of the plane. I'm sorry, but how is that a viable solution? The passenger cabin is full of recycled air... air that will ultimately be full of cat dander, which people are allergic to. How does sitting in the back help the situation?

After my father asked that the cat be moved instead of the people, the stewardess declined, suggesting that my parents take a later flight if the cat will bother them. What kind of shit is that?! Because of post-9/11 paranoia, stewardesses can now remove someone from a flight. I guess my dad was really trying to be on that flight because ultimately he just grinned and beared it.

What kind of society do we live in where a cat in a box has more rights than a person?? Can someone help me understand that, because I'm at a loss. If it were me, I would have walked over and explained to the owners and the stewardess what was going to happen -- the cat will go straight into the cargo hold with the rest of the luggage; if the owners don't like it then they can take the next flight; and if the stewardess has a problem with it, we can discuss it tomorrow while she's standing in the unemployment line; and I'd like my peanuts and beverage once I return to my seat.

I stumbled upon this article about airline operating procedures for 'celebrity pets', like the stupid dog on Fraiser or maybe the monkey from Friends. It's bananas!

In a head-to-head competition, who would have more rights on a plane, an animal or a muslim? I assume the stewardess would as the "potential terrorist" to leave the plane sooner than the cat. What about an animal vs. an obese person? The obese person may have to buy an extra seat, but is the pet charged that much more? Or is it treated as a carry-on? If that's the case then it's luggage, which can go into the cargo area.

Don't get me wrong, animals are cute and i'm sure they make worthwhile companions, but at the end of the day they're just pets and should be treated as such. PETA can come knocking on my door if they've got a problem with that, but I'm sure if I asked one of them to give up their life to save a rat's life they'd pause to think about it, then say "fuck it, kill the rat". And if not, then hey -- that's one less crazy PETA person to deal with, so bring on the rats!

Monday, December 25, 2006

James Brown is Dead

This is not a good year for legendary black men, as they keep on dying. The 'Godfather of Soul', James Brown died, this morning of as yet unknown causes. Hmmm, maybe from being too much of a Sex Machine.

Being such an enormous musical inspiration and having died on Christmas, it'll be interesting to see how the media handles his death. Until then, I leave you with this prescient, upbeat song from 1991:

Thursday, December 21, 2006

In Other News...

Rosie's little feud with Donald Trump (yes, sometimes I read shit tabloids) is getting ridiculous. After each of them called the other a failure (can't we agree that both of them are right??), Rosie up and posted shit on her blog about Donald's bankruptcy filing from wikipedia. Awww, a vindictive bitch after my own heart. Don't mess with lesbians!

Unfortunately, this is one of those fights that would neither play out at Madison Square Garden nor be shown on network television. Why? Because nobody really gives a shit about the argument or either of the two people involved. I'm just writing about it because it's a slow news day.

It's either that or read the following pointless news stories:
I guess it's been a rough week for babies.

You're a Superstar!

I love this song, but the video is a bit whack. I don't understand how it relates to the video. There are lab bunnies involved. What? And I love how the singer chick apparently is either 1) rhythmically challenged or 2) is completely immobile. All she does is make hand gestures!! Maybe she should get off her ass and try to shake it a little. That would make for something more intersting than a series of 2 second clips showcasing her hand gesturing abilities.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Oh My Fucking Puke!

... this cat is masturbating. If pussy didn't gross me out before, then it does now.

A New Twist...

Someone emailed this to me. I thought it was funny.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?


DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that
he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to
do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
"CURRENT"
problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live
his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
positioned along the Axis
of Evil. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no
middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of hardworking Americans


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when
the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken
is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That
chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple
as
that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together -
in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your
check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The
Platform
is much more stable and will never crack....reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"This is Andrea. She's my new Emily"

If you haven't seen The Devil Wears Prada, then you probably don't understand the title of this posting. You also need to haul ass to Blockbuster and watch that shit, because you're missing out.

The line just cracks me up because it (sadly) illustrates how interchangable and replacable people are. Friends are like fashion: "One moment you're in; and the next, you're out." (thanks, Heidi...).

Every year I do a 'spring cleaning' of my friends. Typically it happens in the spring, but this year I have the urge to get the ball rolling ahead of time. This year, I've spouted numerous theories around the kinds of people you should have as your friend, the different types of friends there are, and possible ways you can still be friends with someone, if you still want to be.

As people come in and out of your life or as peoples' true colors begin to float to the surface, it makes sense to take some time to evaluate whether you want to continue being friends with certain people. I think we all have people around us who just bring out the worst in us. If you consider one of those people your 'friend', then you might want to take a second look. Alternatively, there are people who -- when you're around them -- inspire you to be the best person you could possibly be. It only makes sense to spend more time with them, and find others like them... wherever they're hiding!

It's unfortunate when people don't have at least one friend on whom they can completely rely. In most cases it may be that this person doesn't live in the same city as you anymore, but still... it's unfortunate. Having a slew of 'club friends' is entertaining, but can be vapid most of the time. If you ended up in the hospital, would those people care enough to visit you? Probably not. While I have my fair share (ok, more than my fair share) of 'club friends', at least I know that our 'friendship' is superficial at best and treacherous at worst. They serve their purpose and are employed accordingly.

But I take solace in knowing exactly who my real friends are -- the ones on whom I can rely no matter what. For instance, anyone who would bail me out of a prison in Staten Island at 4:00 in the morning is a true friend. Because honestly, nobody wants to be in Staten Island at any time of the day (especially not the dead bodies washing up on the shores there).

So with the new year approaching, it's time for some spring cleaning. Out with the old and in with the new. On the outs are the socially awkward, the devious back-stabbers, and the overall liabilities. Moreover, anyone with a general disregard for my feelings is pretty much going to get cut. Life's too short. Why not spend it with people you genuinely care about instead of people who are just there to take up space until you find better friends. Start now!

::Reaches for a broom::

Monday, December 18, 2006

Hide and Seek Sex

So two Fridays ago, I was hooking up with this boy, and he turned out to have the smallest dick ever!! I was amazed and bewildered at the same time. I know it's been cold outside, but god-damn!!

Being the good sport that I am, I tried to make it work, employing numerous strategies...
  • Shot a flare up into the air
  • Fired up the Bat Signal
  • Deployed a 'Search and Rescue' squad
  • Combed the beach
  • Turned on the LoJack
  • Employed satelite imaging
  • Beamed down an 'Away Team'
Nothing! It's unfortunate that this kid was Asian because it's just adding more fuel to the stereotypical fire. *sigh* It's also unfortunate that, much like Harvard, my bed an Affirmative Action program in that in times of duress, I affirmatively need to get some action! However, just like Harvard, sometimes that program blows up in my face. Or in this case, didn't blow up in my face. Well, as with any institution of higher education: live it, learn it.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Bald = The Plague

I found this hilarious ad from this guy's blog, via Bourgeois Nerd.



You have to read what he writes about it, because it just cracks my shit up. It's funny because it's true. Nobody wants a bald daddy! :)

Just Zoe Lovely!

I love Dlisted and I can't stand Rachel Zoe. So what better than to read Dlisted's hilarious blurb about the hag, in reference to the heinous picture below:


The wrinkles on her face are frightful. Her hair is as flat as her tits. And her droopy right eye is either genetic or in recovery from botox shock. "Medic!!!!"

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Tickle Me Emo

OK, seriously, Emo kids confuse me. What's their deal? It seems that I'm just as confused about their sexuality as they are. Are they poly-pan-sexual? Is that even a term? Is that even possible? Well I guess "poly-sexual" isn't possible, unless they're into fucking hermaphrodites or something -- that counts as a separate sex, right?

Let's have a closer look:


I'm also curious just how long it takes them to get dressed in the morning. After teasing the shit out of their hair and forming it 'just so', then on goes the makeup. I guess sometimes the makeup isn't that complicated, but some of these boys go all out! How much time do they allocate just for makeup application? Once that's all painted on, then they have to dress themselves. How much effort goes into that?? It's like layers upon layers of clothing with accessories!

It just boggles my mind, considering I do my hair in less than 45 seconds. I can't be bothered with makeup because I don't own any. As a result of countless replays of The Devil Wears Prada, I've come to the conclusion that I need a new wardrobe because my clothes pretty much suck, so I really just throw any old shit on and head out the door.

GAP's Gonna Dress You Up

Remember this GAP commercial?


... And here's the hysterical parody that someone made. It's amusing.

I Heart Pereztles

Awww, is there anyone out there who actually likes Perez Hilton?? He's getting hate from all angles.

I know one person who likes him :P

Oh wait, and another:
...a mere two weeks after [Jason] Preston defended his relationship with [Marc] Jacobs,our own Ben Widdicombe reported the ex-hustler making out with gossip blogger Perez Hilton.

UPDATE: Now DListed is reporting that Reichen is hating on Perez in his MySpace Blog. Awww.

Cut it Out!

The N.I.H. released the results of a study indicating that circumcision appears to reduce the risk of a man contracting AIDS from heterosexual sex by 50%.

That's all well and good, but I feel like studies always seem to over suggest the overall impact. There are a lot of qualifiers in that "50% reduction" statement. First of all, it only applies to men. Secondly, it applies to men having heterosexual (or vaginal) sex. The basis for the argument is that skin tissue in the foreskin is more susceptible to infection and more prone to develop tiny tears during intercourse. However, using a condom pretty much negates both of these issues and is a much lower-cost form of prevention. Unfortunately, there's also a risk associated with circumcision as bacterial infection can occur as a result of using dirty blades to perform the procedure, of which a potential outcome is death.

It seems like NIH is suggesting circumcision as a part of an entire prevention process -- as we all know that just because you're circumcised, it doesn't mean you're not going to catch anything.

I suppose circumcision is a viable option for use in Africa, where AIDS is rampant, perpetuated by heterosexual sex. However, this doesn't necessarily address other segments of the global population who are still being infected with HIV. The study doesn't really address the impact on anal sex, and only implies a reduction in women's infection rates as circumcised men would be less likely to infect women during vaginal sex.

So I say, there's no need to cut and run. Keep what you got and pick up a condom.

Email Faux Pas

I don't understand how it's 2006 and people still don't know how to use the BCC function in their email.

I got an email today from a bar, promoting its Wednesday night. I usually just delete these things because I'm never all that interested. But this email, when you looked at the TO: field had every single email address listed out... complete with names!! That's just bad form. Now every dumbfuck on that list (many of whom are promoters and list acquirers) have all those email addresses to add to their lists.

It just bothers me because now my email address is being scattered across cyberspace waiting for SPAM to just clog up my inbox. More importantly, I find myself on random peoples' lists who I don't even know... for events I'm not even interested in. It's pointless.

Now, what is the proper way to deal with this? Do I email the promoter and explain email etiquette to him? Or do I just leave it alone? I assume I'll just do it in person, since it's easier to deal with people in person.

Second faux pas: some dumbass "replies to all" saying that he wants to be removed from the list! Ok, honestly, I don't need to know that you want to be removed from the list. Just email the promoter and deal with him. Moreover, I don't need THREE emails from the guy, christophe@theswimmingpools.com, saying he wants to be removed. One is sufficient. And yes, I'm a jackass for posting his email address, but he's a jackass for sending out pointless emails. So an eye for an eye.

People need to just learn how to use the BCC field in their email. Seriously.

In related news, I was out at a party and I think Lucy Liu was there. I didn't say anything to her because I had nothing to really say. "Loved you in Charlie's Angels???" Whatever. So instead, I avoiding making a potentially damagine social faux pas and just kept to myself. Nobody likes to be bothered by people they don't know. Gee, I think that's something christophe@theswimmingpools.com should understand. SO feel free to send him insane amounts of pointless email just to drive the point home.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Return of Rate-A-Rod

RateARod.com is amazing. It provides you with HOURS of pointless quasi-entertainment. The last time I was there, about a year ago, it was full of fun and interesting dicks to rate. Now it's apparently been swarmed by fugly cocks. So the site has turned into an exercise in stamina. How long can you last looking at nasty nubs before you find a pleasing penis?

For me, a more relevant question would be, "How long does it take before you come across a knob you know?" Well for me it took about 15 minutes. Slut alert!!

It actually works out really well as it's someone who's already linked to my blog. Trot on over and check it out: playfull4stud. Then you can click on the links to the right to view his One Gay Date at a Time blog.

I've actually never seen his dick in person, I just recognized the email address posted in his profile. Who does that?!?! By the way, his dick is currently rated 6.22 out of 10. Hrmmm.

Well, off to waste more time perusing peckers. Maybe I'll find even more that I recognize. This game is fun!!

I Ain't No Challah Back Gurl!

Ok, so I know I joined JDate way back when as a joke, but now they keep sending me these damn emails about people "matching" my profile. This shit is worse than spam! I'm talking about the spiced ham SPAM -- you know, the shit the jews can't eat cuz it comes from a piggly wiggly and other people won't eat b/c it's nasty.

I'm sorry, but as much as I like jewboys, all these kids are BUSTED!!! I can't even handle it. It must be where all the fugly jewboys go to die and cry.

Jesus, save me from the people who aren't your peoples! (or however that whole Jews for Jesus thing works out)

Bodies Without Organs

Ok, so this Bodies Without Organs video is kinda old, but I just randomly watched it again and re-realized how hot this boy is. Mmm. Loves me some Swedish meat/balls. I want up on his organ!



I'm torn between liking this video and not. It's pretty cheesy and has bugs in it, which is gross. But it has the hot boy in it, so I'm like "yumm". Life is confusing!!!

One good turn deserves another

I got this in my inbox today and thought it was funny...

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife


Dear Ex-wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did
notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But, when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your
letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,

Rich As Hell and Free!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Devil Wears Prada

... comes out today on DVD. Yay!!!!

Young Hearts Run Free

So I grabbed my girl Tiffany and decided to make this little music video. I thought it'd be cathartic. Apparently I also thought that shirt wouldn't make me look fat. I was wrong. And yes, I have a thing for two-tone style -- my jeans... my HAIR... tragic, but cut me some slack. I just ate my feelings! (I felt like a cow. har har)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Atlantic Shitty

I LOVE Atlantic City!! It's the most trash-tastic place on Earth! It's kind of like living in a fantasy world where everyone is tragic and so are you, kinda, but it's ok because nobody really cares.

There are amazing things to see around every corner. It's the best place ever. All it takes is $20 and 2.5 hours and you're out of the madness of Manhattan and into the madness of a shameless city frought with casino gambling!

I'm sorry, but anywhere with copious all-you-can-eat buffets has to rank high on my list of favorite places. Thirty bucks gets you enough food to sustain a small African nation for a week and a half, or just your fat ass for as long as you can hold out. The only thing it doesn't get you is the quadruple bypass surgery you'll need after you're done grazing from the trans-fat trough.

And if you're not into gambling or eating, then surely you can appreciate shopping. OK, there aren't that many places to shop, but there are a bunch of outlet stores, so if you're feeling like buying lots of shit for super cheap, then that's an option.

Atlantic City is a delightful mix of utterly tragic and magically delicious, all of which sits under an open hole in the Ozone Layer, courtesy of the denizen's overuse of Aqua-Net. Translation: it's really sunny there! Yes, you can wander down rape alleys and throw down with hoodrats on the mean streets of Manhattan (uhhh, more like Brooklyn!), but the city doesn't have the kind of Monopoly-esque charm that only the crap-tacular Miss America capital can provide.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Holy Crack, Batman!


So when I last wrote about the ass-crack sightings, I thought it was pretty funny and kinda wished I took more pictures of random ass-cracks I've seen while out.

Tis the season to be jolly, and we all know people can't be jolly unless they're fat, and fat people are more prone to show some ass-crack. Slipperly slope of logic? Whatever.

Ask and ye shall receive! I found a flickr account that's pretty much all about pictures of ass-cracks!! It's amazing! It's tragic, but still amazing!

I think it's mostly picks of chick-crack, which I guess is pretty funny b/c their cracks shouldn't be showing. But it'd still be funny if there were dude-crack on there, too... unless it's hairy, then that's just not cute.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Vocab Superstar!

You may not be able to tell from the way I write, but my vocab rocks the fuckin' party! I'm like the word equivalent of a Mathalete. Thankfully I'm not the social equivalent of one. That would be depressing.

So I took this test that I found over at Bourgeois Nerd and scored an A. Yay!! It's actually not that hard of a test. Most of the words are pretty colloquial or pretty easy to figure out.

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!
You must be quite an erudite person.


Take the silly test and let me know how well you score.

Ease off the Haterade, Son!

I don't understand why there are so many hateful people out there. Life is not as fun when you're busy hating people and don't take the time to enjoy living.

Now, I know I'm hyper critical and judgmental, but that doesn't mean I'm hateful. Don't get it twisted! Hating a person is an entirely different thing than identifying someone's flaws and
exploiting them for a cheap laugh. That's how I roll.

I recently found out my friend Jesse Dane was receiving hate mail from people, in the form of insane rants asking how many people he's infected with HIV. He wrote a whole blog posting about it. Maybe I'm overly sensitive to the issue because a good friend of mine died of AIDS this year. But who are these people who have the time to harass other people about their health status?! What is their deal??

First of all, people need to shut the fuck up. Anyone living with HIV has way bigger things to deal with than reading through hateful emails, so it's unfortunate that idiots feel compelled to send them. Secondly, it's amazing how these emails are based on almost no facts or evidence at all. What, do these people think they're writing a blog?? You can't send hateful shit without some sort of factual evidence to back up your claim. That's just common sense, to me. And regardless, people should worry less about what others are doing and worry about what they're doing. Fix yourself before you try to fix others! What is this, America?? Like, we'll up and invade a country (without even stealing its oil!) to 'save' it from a dictator, MEANWHILE our country is being run by a de facto dictator?? Yeah. Makes sense.

So in conclusion, put down the Haterade and start sippin on some fresh squeezed lemonade. The sourness of the lemon will pucker your lips, which will help you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Gurl, You'll be a Woman Soon

I love my friends. They provide me with hours of endless entertainment! Just the diction of the whole conversation is enough to make me laugh. Keep in mind, this is a conversation I had with a girl, which makes the verbiage all the more hilarious.


Friend: um did you hear about Megan???
Me: no
Friend: she's a woman now
Me: SHUT UP!!!
Me: she got her period??
Me: it's about bloody time!!
Friend: SHE GOT FUCKED
Me: hahahah :-) Awwww :)
Me: awesome!!!! by whom?
Friend: her best friend
Friend: and someone she's been crushing on
Friend: for a year
Me: niiice
Friend: and he finally poked her thru
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: "poked her thru"
Me: shut up!!!!!
Friend: HAHAHHA
Friend: and they didn't use a condom
Me: UHHHh.....
Me: wtf????
Friend: so she had to get the morning after
Me: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Friend: UM YEA
Me: Man... way to get the WHOLE experience!
Friend: HAHAHAHAH
Friend: INDEED
Me: jesus christ. now she should complete the process and go get tested
Friend: HAHAHAH
Friend: yea
Friend: for aids, chlymidia
Friend: the whole shebang
Me: haha, seriously. Cuz you're not really a woman until you've stomped out a possible fetus and then gotten tested afterwards. hahahaha
Me: swab that snatch!
Friend: hahahahha
Friend: i wonder if people who don't have sex shave
Friend: because it's like if you're not being seen
Friend: who cares
Me: omg, shut up!!! hahaha
Me: I guess that's true...
Me: maybe she doesn't even know that you should shave
Me: i'm not picky either way... as long as I'm not walking into a jungle
Me: though i'd rather it be like a golf course... no tall grass
Me: I can't be bustin' out the machete
Friend: yea i like cleanly manicured lawn
Friend: yea you dont want bristles in your teeth
Me: yeah, seriously
Me: shit can't be poking me in the eye

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

What is Love?!

Yes. I stole the title from Haddaway and I'm stealing the content of this posting from someone else.

I stumbled on a friend's blog/blog posting and thought it was really intense and worth sharing (not really sure how ethical that is, but hey, it's the internet -- everything's public domain!). Seems like he has an aversion toward capital letters, but whatever, don't let that distract you from the message. Have a read and hopefully you'll find it as thought-provoking as I did. I basically straight up 'cut and pasted' it how it was written (ahem... typos and all).

"i always knew what love was.. i always knew its meaning.. but lately i havent been liking the way the heart acts..for some reason when u love someone, you cant take your mind off of them, you cant stop feeling for them, you cant stop breathing their name, feeling the passion inside you that is love. its something that takes you over.. and u cant stop it because the heart acts in such mysterious ways. my biggest issue with love is when you cant have it from someone you love. alot of the time.. we cant get what we want in life, and it is a terrible thing to deal with. love brings happiness, but moreover it brings tears. the essence of knowing we cant have something we strive to have.. is a big dissapointment in life and its not even nice to have to deal with.. its bad enough we have to deal with diminishing friendships, shade, and arrogent people anyway, i dont think love should be this hard. i dont usually cry over love unless its serious. i feel that if you show someone you love them and you try your best to prove it to them, that they should be somewhat receptive unless they are just totally turned off by you, which is okay, but i mean dont give it the total 'no'. sometimes in life we have to take chances, sometimes with risks or consequences, to actually make life worth living. thats all i ask.. all i ask is to take a chance on love sometimes cause you never know where that chance will lead you. who knows.. maybe it could be the best thing you've ever had, try not to be a pessimist and believe that its gonna end up bad and terrible. give things a chance in life, otherwise love will never come your way.

i hope that in this some of you see a bit of wisedom about love and actually give it a chance.. i know deep in my heart that there is love inside everyone and if you just take the time to express it.. maybe you'd feel a little better inside."

Let's Hear it for the Boy!

It seems that Boy George gave us something new of his to listen to: a song called Time Machine. Unfortunately, the YouTube 'community' gave him something to listen to as well: their feedback!

"I watched 30 seconds of it -.- ... no. just no. extrEMO....and just...How does this stuff get featured"

"dude im flagging this as violation of terms"

"Trash."

"OK, Who Took a Shit In The Video Camera?"

"This kinda sucks. Quote me if you think the same. :)"

"umm yea...the name "boy george" is already taken by an 80's star...yea..."

Of course, there were positive ones, but only way in the beginning, surely when his friends were able to leave comments. Not that I'm hating on him -- I'm all for former stars climbing back up the celebrity ladder. I mean, they can't really do much else, right? There isn't going to be a "Boy George, DDS" in the near future, ya reckon?

And now for your viewing pleasure...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

And my new boyfriend is..... ???

... Eric Case! OK, he's not really my boyfriend, but he's young, cute, and works at Google. That implies a number of things:
  1. He's smart
  2. He's cute
  3. He's probably making BANK
  4. He's cute
  5. He's either based in Silicon Valley or four blocks away from me in NYC
Check out my man!! Awww, how adorable. Click the picture below and you can see a video of him. Technology is fun!!!

Moreover, we both wear hoodies and since his eyes are so shifty in the video, I can only assume that come 4:20pm we'd both be steppin' out for a smoke break.

Thanks to whatever this blog is, since that's how I found him.

Eric -- email me!!!

The "Older People" Survey

So I filled out one of those stupid surveys on MySpace and figured I'd post it here, too just to get the most mileage out of my pointless efforts.


-----------------------

The "Older People" Survey
Body: (Meant to be completed by those ADULTS out of high school)
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'
Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature... Okay, okay... OLD FOLKS like us......



1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Rent


2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Off a cute boy’s chest. Wait…. umm, at a nice quiet restaurant.


3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Never. That’s tacky. I’m a classy drunk.


4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Hello… “classy drunk”. Thanks.


5. Name of your first grade teacher?
No clue. Mrs. something…


6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I'm gonna have to plead the fifth on this one...


7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Rich


8. How many colleges did you attend?
two? within the same university


9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
who says i'm wearing a shirt now?? But when in doubt, the answer is always "laziness"


10. GAS PRICES!
... are causing cab fares to go up. NOT cute.


11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you?
I don't really get the question... I could move anywhere... and if there were someone I'd want to take with me, then I'd do it... with a little help from my friend Chloroform.


12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
"Fuuuuuuuck!!!!!"


13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Fuuuuuuuck!!!!!"


14. Favorite style of underwear?
Sexy-style!


15. Favorite style of underwear for the person with you?
Doesn't really matter. It's kinda hot no matter what.


16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Telling the maid what to clean.


17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
No, but I'd volunteer somewhere else


18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in


19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Homer!


20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Make out. Apparently it can be non-sexual...


21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
"One time, at band camp... I was at motherfuckin'-band-camp!!!" lies.


22. When did you first start feeling old?
When I went to Heaven and felt like I was chaperoning a middle-school dance.


23. Favorite 80's movie?
No clue. Ferris Bueller's Day Off??


24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Does anyone eat pimento loaf?? Seriously, who buys that?? I NEEED to know! Cuz Oscar Mayer keeps sellin' it, so someone's buying it!


25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
Stomach cramps.


26. Beach or lake?
Beach. I don't like stagnant water. It's for mosquito larvae


27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at the age of 20?
Ummm... whoa there, Hippie. I think marriage is a nice way for me to score a diamond ring and get a tax break. Unfortunately I have to go to Jersey to get it done. OH, and I gotta find a man to do it with. Cart, then horse.


28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
How does one "stalk" someone on MySpace?? Hide behind the bulletin board and wait for them to come online??


29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Foie gras? Rabbit fur?


30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Now if I told you, then everyone would know.


31. What's your drink?
Orange juice. Breakfast of champions!


32. Cowboys or Indians?
Gay Cowboys -- that's right, Randy!! :)


33. Cops or Robbers?
Cops have donuts and robbers have cash. I'd say robbers.


38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
Meh, nobody.


39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
I don't have a car, hence no radio.


42. Norm or Cliff?
Huh?


43. The Cosby Show or the Simpson’s?
Simpson’s


44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
If I truly answered this question my fingers would cramp up from typing so damn much. I tend to do hateful shit when I get angry :(


45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I face a wall. So, sure. Walls don't sass back.


46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
I've got some people in mind...


47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
I wouldn't mind a "romantic" dinner on Wentworth Miller's chest.


48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
You'd think the obvious answer would be Wentworth Miller, but I'm going to mix it up and go with Hayden Christensen


49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope, just for it's many unintended purposes... ??


50. Last book you read for real?
"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell ... yes, I'm late, I know.


51. Do you have a teddy bear?
YES!!! His name is Bear. At least, I think it is. He's so soft and adorable. Awwwww, Bear.


52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Is this where I say "some trick's apartment"? Because I don't find that to be strange at all. I find it to be good oral... hygiene.


53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Napa?


54. Number of texts in a day?
this question is stupid.


55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
I'll start whichever won't fail.


56. Do you go to church?
nope.


57. Pencil or pen?
pen


58. bueller??? bueller??? bueller? has anyone seen Ferris??
Yeah, I saw him about 25 questions ago when I said it was my favorite 80s movie. This question sucks.


60. What do you want to achieve in life?
To be happy with someone who's happy with me (I stole Anson's answer!)


61. How old are you?
27 ... christ...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Yay Connecticut!

Thank you to whomever the stalker is in Greenwich, CT who basically went through my entire blog over the course of Saturday evening into Sunday morning. I hope you found it an interesting read. Sometimes my blog is fun to read. Other times it's just a hot mess.

You can't please all the people all the time. Best I can do is please myself. And I usually do that right before bed. Sometimes in the morning, if I didn't do a good enough job the night before.

It'd be great if you left some comments to give the impression that someone other than my mother and the CIA are reading my blog. Interactivity is fun!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Saturday Night Fever = Cirque du Some Gays Delirium

The events of last week put me in something of a funk. Well, a "funk" would be a severe understatement. But life goes on, right?

Hence, stymied by lack of sleep and the traumatizing events, my intrepid venture into the "Scene" was a necessary step toward fixing myself and the funk. No sleep and funk-induced zombie-ness are not a good combination, as it pretty much makes me delirious. And off to the bar I went!

Beating me to the "crazy" punch was my one friend who we were meeting. Seems like he'd already had a few in the half hour since he'd been there. Nice. It made for a fun time, though. We ended up at this bar called Bongo, in West Chelsea.

Now I don't know if I was delusional or not, but the people at his place were a bit odd. This one blond chick had her hair in two balls... like balls of yarn, but it was actually her real hair! Unfortunately, they weren't even -- one was higher and more to the right than the other. Is that on purpose? It looked like shit, so regardless I don't think it was a good decision. Her friend should be shot for letting her go out like that.

Then my friend points another atrocity out to me (as pictured to the right). Apparently we stumbled into a drug den because there was crack EVERYWHERE!

This wasn't the first crack sighting of the day. Earlier, my friend and I went to H&M for some 'retail therapy' on the cheap.
That was a bad idea. First of all, I can't STAND 34th street at any time of day let alone when it's full of Christmas shoppers. Slow-walking Christmas shoppers. Bane of my existence! To add insult to injury, this was my view as I was standing on the escalator.

After a cab ride up to Hells Kitchen and a walk through Vlada (WHY do we even bother with that place?!) we jacked a cab from a tranny and headed back down to Chelsea to meet up with my friend's boyfriend and ... his 42yo mom! I think the woman is a closet fag hag because she was tearing shit up!! It was pretty disorienting to think that someone is out at a gay bar with his mom, dancing with her in front of a bunch of fags. It's cute, though. My mom wouldn't do it.

Two more venues later and I find myself dancing on a stage with someone's mom and a white Christmas tree -- because I don't date other races (ha). At one point I look across the room and see this really hot guy. "Omg, this boy is hot! He's two people over from the ugly lamp!" Hot guy spottings are exciting, because I feel like there are so few of them in the city (how's that possible??). So I all bust out my cat eye night-vision and get a better look.

"Thank you, sir. Your Reality Check will show up in your account in the next 48 hours". Closer looks bring horrible realities. The "hot guy" was one of my fucking friends!!! That must have been some DAMN good lighting, because while my friend is cute, he's not as hot as I thought the "guy" was when I was on the stage. I went over to say hi, but didn't bother to explain the whole retarded thought process that led me to identifying him.

And that is why it's probably not advisable to venture out into the cold cruel world when you're a hot mess! Cuz crazy shit happens. But it was still a good time.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Knock Knock...



Wow... with friends like that, who needs... ??

Friday, December 01, 2006

Sunday Bloody Sunday

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day. Take some time today to remember those who have passed away from AIDS or who are living with HIV/AIDS.

A friend sent me an email that I'm just going to cut and paste up in here because I liked what was written -- it's very true -- and I don't feel like trying to write something similar...

A kind word or act makes a huge difference in someone’s day.
Like most things – we tend to deal with situations such as this – privately – NEVER feel shame or pity.

This way of life: IS what it IS.

No one chooses this to happen to them - your path in life can change over night.
Think about that.

Balancing physical, mental & social well-being...
Is daunting, But it’s possible.
So, remember, facades don't necessarily reflect what’s behind them.
If you, or someone you know is suffering – seek help & support.
Feeling sorry for yourself or others isn’t going to improve matters.
Get Pro-active.

Bristol-Myers is donating $1 to the National AIDS Fund every time someone goes to their website & moves the match to the candle and lights it.

It takes a second to raise a dollar.

https://www.lighttounite.org/