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gothamwhore

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Climb up and Slide down

Seriously, if I had a pole at home, I'd never leave it. This is what I'd do all day, except not in lime green undies (*gag*)



This guy's a pro. He stretches first AND wipes off the pole. You never know what you'll catch from a stripper pole.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Chosen One

Check out this nifty video.


Music and Lyrics? Miserable and Lame

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the pre-screening for Music and Lyrics, starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. It was awful.

Hugh Grant plays the same character he always plays. Drew plays the same ditsy moron she always plays. The plot is one illogical leap of the imagination to the next.

He's a washed up 80s pop singer (think, the other guy from Wham! who wasn't George Michael) who somehow pays a girl to water his plants. However, his plant-waterer girl is away on vacation (because she has SO much disposable income!) and now Drew is filling in. Eventually she becomes his lyricist, through some insane stretch of the imagination.

Sounds like something you'd want to see, doesn't it? Oh yeah...

So whoever wants to give me those 2-hours of my life back, just shoot me an email and we can work out some sort of an arrangement.

Are You Slappy Sue?

Holy Hilarious, Batman!!! I came across this crazy clip that depicts what it would be like if a chatroom were filled with real people (as opposed to anonymous pseudonyms).

It's pretty funny. I assume it's something of a teen chatroom, not necessarily a gay chatroom, so keep that in mind when you're watching it. You have to watch it all the way until the end, despite the fact that it's a fairly long video.

Word of the Day

Because gothamwhore is all about education...

A Bidet for Clay After Today

Clay Aiken (aka, Gayken) is in desperate need of a good publicist. Like, the old-school Hollywood Studio kind. The kind that pretty much run your life and clean up all the shit you product. A PR bidet.

Perez Hilton cleverly reported on Gayken's homo-adventures on Manhunt, including webcam pictures of the singer. He looks horrid. After he's done finding a publicist, he should really get a new stylist. God help the poor soul who would hook up with Gayken. Ick. He's probably the worst lay ever!

Isn't it the job of the old-school publicist to find Gayken the following?
  1. A suitable beard (a la Katie Holmes)
  2. A reliable fuck buddy (so he doesn't have to troll through Manhunt to find cock -- yeah, cuz we all know he's most likely a bottom)
  3. A pile of cash to pay off people like Perez so they don't publish this shit about him when Gayken fucks up and logs onto Manhunt
  4. A swiffer to clean up the rest of the PR shit that's splattering all over the blogsphere
But alas, he must have spent all his American Idol money on... ummm... prostitutes, when he should have spent it on a gay publicist.

OR -- here's a radical idea -- maybe the Bitch should just come out of the closet! Stop pretending it's a glory hole and show your damn face! Own it!! The gays will accept you with open arms (unfortunately). I mean, look at what they did for that waste of human space Jim McGreevy. He shat on us the whole time he was in the Governor's mansion and GLAAD gladly welcomed him. But that's another issue for another rant -- I mean, posting.

Monday, January 29, 2007

More Bad PR for "the Gays"

Is that PR for 'Public Relations' or 'Puerto Rican?' Who knows.

As if we didn't have to deal with nonsensical discrimination around marriage and the like, up springs this flitty abomination on -- where else? -- American Idol.

The tragic gay mess du jour is: Ian Benardo. With this swishy hips, elastic lips, repugnant accent, and his accosting 'How you been?'s, this social degenerate is exactly what the people in rectangle states (aka, middle America) doesn't need to see as their main portrayal of the homosexual population. Bad enough they saw Clay Aiken!

As we see in the first 10 seconds, he seems quite incapable of opening doors. A metaphor for his life? Probably.



People will do anything to be on TV, it seems. Even if it means portraying yourself as a horrible charicature of your sub-culture, they'll do it for their 15 minutes (or 6 minutes in this case) of fame.

The clip was almost too horrible to watch -- something like two cars colliding in slow motion -- but I sat through it. A friend sent it to me, since I'm so utterly uninterested in the middle-America sludge that is 'reality TV' (unless it's Project Runway!).

The sad thing is that this bitch was on 'So You Think You Can Dance', which means he's just working his way through the Reality TV circuit. Clearly it must be an act, but how pathetic to have to resort to such plebian, court jester-type means just to have your face on TV. In the end, what will it amount to? He'll be on Season 27 of the "Real World Road Rules Challenge: Topeka, Kansas"? Give me a break.

If I were Simon (God help me!), this is the advice I would have given him...

"Drop the faux-chilla pelt, lose the horrid accent, un-limp your wrist and get a fucking job. You're 25 years old and playing 'faux-diva' on season 6 [I don't even know] of American Idol, which means people are already getting sick of the show. Don't become Paula. Know when to stop and 'straight up now' get some real skills."

Friday, January 26, 2007

Beasty and the Beast

A new "reality" show is set to hit the air in Holland toward the end of February. The show is called "Love at Second Sight". How cute. It's like the Side B track of Kylie's song.

Unfortunately there's really nothing cute at all about the show that was originally titled "Monster Love". The show is a "dating program for the visibly disfigured". Now, I'm really not trying to hate on the "visibly disfigured" because surely it must be hard having their life, so far be it from me to add any more pain to that. But, why on earth would anyone want to watch that? I don't think it would really fall under that "trainwreck" category where you have to watch it just because it's so gross. Rather, it would most likely fall into that "Operation Channel" category where you just change the channel after you've seen someone's spleen hit the floor, only to then see a doctor pick it up and sew it back into a body on the operating table. Ick!

I wanted to include a picture of "Sloth" from The Goonies, but honestly, I almost puked when I saw the picture, so I decided to spare others the same fate.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Time Warp

OK, I love this song, so I tried to find the video on YouTube... silly me, they didn't have music videos back then. In any case, this is what I found. It's like an acid trip. I think the sequins are hypnotizing or something. Diana Ross cracks me up.

Slob Evolution

I just saw the best, and scariest, video ever! It's a mock video of the Dove Evolution video, called Slob Evolution. It's a riot!

Essentially it's the scariest video because this is what I would look like if ate a bunch of shit all day and let myself go. The boy goes from cute to fugly in a matter of minutes...



It's the best video because it's true -- nobody wants to look at ugly people.

Oh, and for all you trannies out there, here's a video you'll like: Revolution.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Brokeback Snake Mountain

Mr. Skinny sent me the link to this hilarious video clip. Check it out:

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

"Rockstar" Ramblings

OK, so this is the longest thing ever, but I thought it was totally endearing for some reason. It's a posting from this guy Forrest, who's the lead singer (me thinks?) of hellogoodbye. It's a bit A.D.D. and is a pathway of tangents, but it's cute. He's apparently straight. Go figure.

I wish I had straight friends like him. Well, I wish I had friends in general. Not to discount any of you, but you've got to up the wit factor to compete with him.

Anyway, have a read...



we're on virgin atlantic flight 8 to london right now. i just watched superman returns.



see? thats me watching it. it was pretty good. pretty much what i signed up for when i selected "superman returns" from the on demand film menu. but i have to address the "baxter" feenom. thats feenom for phenomenon. but i chose to say it cool and slang, cause girls like that, plus i don't confidently know how to spell phenomenon off the top of my head. also it should be noted that when i clarified my use of feenom by writing the longhand "phenomenon" i spelt it wrong the first try then i learned my laptop would fix it for me. cause i just got a new one. an apple. im selling my pc prolly on ebay (prolly: common shorthand for probably, which sounds stuffy and uptight, yeah? too stuffy and uptight for a kewl, (cool) casual, (theres a great verbal short for casual but i can't figure out how to type cashjjj. see?) rock and roll band member's blog thing. first, about my new laptop. im not on either team about macs or pcs. i like both. but lemme (let me) throw up two points on my recliner of rage.

- the ports on a macbook should obviously be on the right.
- when you close the lid, it shouldn't go to sleep

when you plug a mouse in, you don't wanna have that shit wrappin' around to bfe. pretty much everything is more convenient plugged in to the right. plus when im processing something on my computer that takes a while, i wanna close my lid and let it go while i play with a puppy. if they fixed those two things the macbook would be totes perf (totally perfect). so yeah. anyways. as soon as i discover more that i find inappropriate i will keep you updated. TO THE MINUTE. don't even worry. it'll be my top priority. i was talking about the baxter though. its a movie by michael showalter. but im talking the idea. not the film. the CONCEPT. i know, its very abstract. (i was in G.A.T.E.). its the guy who doesn't get the girl. there's the girl, and the guy she's with, and the guy she should be with. she is swept away but the perfect charming looker. and the guy she was with (who usually wears alot of sweaters, and is charmingly bumbling) is an awkward third wheel. luckily, superman didn't have that ending cause that shit makes me uncomfortable and feeling like my girlfriend is having a big emotional plot turning kiss with mr right somewhere while i make sure my collar is popping out of my sweater properly. there were a few scary moments in superman, where lois goes against her better judgement. i have a baxteraphobia. when there's onscreen infidelity my heartbeat quickens, i try to think about mathematics and i shit my pants. i LITERALLY shit my pants. i don't ACTUALLY shit my pants. but i LITERALLY shit my pants. obviously i'm a little insecure. i mean my bowels. they're looooose. anyways, i bet michael showalter doesn't even feel that strongly about the baxter sitch (situation) and he made a whole movie about it.

whoa. update. in the movie uhh. i don't remember what im watching. crank. in the movie crank the guy just raped his girlfriend in public and people just watched. that made me nervous too. i had to fast forward it. chris was saying he had to fast forward alot of scenes in the stella shorts (im not THAT obsessed with stella, i sound crazed though). but i can tooootally take that stuff, doesn't make me nervous at all. its comedy. its absurd.

about chris. the guy gets on a plane saying hes gonna rage all flight. he always talks big like he is gonna throw a kegger with the stewardesses and go wild on inflight wine. then he rolls in and before the plane leaves the ground he looks like this...



he even switched seats from the isle to the window with me, so i knew he wasn't raging. if he was gonna rage, he'd wanna be in the isle so he could ask for a "canada dry, but not too dry, if you know what i mean." and slap the flight attendants butts and have room to rave dance with his personal light flashing and do lines off the drink cart with a tea straw. but he's by the window. so he can rest his head against the side and wear his 12.95 neck pillow and ergonomic eyemask. what a dick.

love, forrest and chris (it should be noted that chris contributed nothing to this magnificent piece cuz his ass wuz asleeeeep)

Scary Mary

Now I'm not really into scary movies or anything... they kinda freak me out and then I just hide under the covers all weekend and never surface except maybe to pee and/or eat. However, this movie looks AWESOME!! I can't wait to see it!!










It's amazing what a few select clips and the right music can do. Hysterical!!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Love and Memories

O.A.R. is going to be playing at Madison Square Garden on January 27th. How exciting!! Get your tickets! I had a lot of fun at last year's show at MSG and afterparty. It's a purple haze of a good time.

Brenda Dickson: Fashion Trainwreck

Nevermind the fact that nobody knows who she is, even Lady Bunny was clueless. You can find out more about this wannaB-list celebrity by going to her website or trotting over to the wiki-page on her. But honestly, it's irrelevant. Don't waste the memory space in your head.

What's more important is knowing that Brenda Dickson is a fashion GODDESS!! Wait... I got that wrong... Brenda Dickson is a fashion HOT MESS!!!

Oh the horrid disaster that a home camcorder and a Linda Evans-esque gold dress create, and the hilarity that necessarily ensues. I give you: "Brenda Dickson - Welcome to my Home: Part I". Watch the 9-minute long video, as I will then proceed to rip it (and her) apart...



What a silly goose. It's cute that she thinks she's qualified put together an instructional video on fashion, among other things.

Brenda: "For those of you who have watched me for eleven and a half years on daytime television and have written to me and asked 'how do you look better today than you did eleven and a half years ago,' this video is for you."
What the eff is "eleven and a half years"? Isn't that the pathetical equivalent of counting your age in months? And exactly how many LOSERS actually wrote her saying she looks better now than 11.5 years ago? Baffling.

Brenda: "I say style is as important in your life as your look."
Umm... isn't 'style' somewhat synonymous with 'your look'? That's like saying 'clothes' are an important part of 'fashion'. No shit, Brenda -- I mean -- Captain Obvious.


Brenda: "What do you think of my dress? There was a time in my career where I wouldn't be caught dead in a gown like this."

Your dress is hideous. Kill the designer. You look like an Emmy without the ball above it's head. I'm hoping you wouldn't be caught dead in a dress like that EVER, but alas... there you are: gold from tragic head to tragic toe.

Brenda: "Fashion is something that can be acquired by looking at a lot of different fashions"
Hrm. I thought fashion was acquired by the swiping of my credit card at a 'fashionable' store such as... oh... Osh Kosh B'Gosh.

Nice fashion 'death chamber' -- I mean -- 'closet'. She's really stretching the term 'walk-in-closet'. Maybe she should walk out and change into something that doesn't resemble the tinsel from a tacky Christmas tree.

Brenda: "I chose an orange lipstick."
Sweetie, I think you're the only one...

Brenda: "In fashion, sometimes you play against the designer"
What does that even mean? Yes, Brenda, you are playing against the designer -- s/he wanted to make something that looks pretty, and you've managed to muck it up with your 'style'.

Brenda: "Ostrich feathers, anyone?"
Oh jesus christ... pass.

Brenda: "I swept my hair over to the side. This makes it look a little different"
If by 'different' you mean 'mentally retarded', then yes Brenda, yes.

Brenda: "In shopping, you'll find that your eye will be drawn to the things that you like"
No shit, really??

Brenda: "Lace has been around for thousands of years. This is a very beautiful, simple dress. I've added a hat to dress it up."
Her statements really make no sense. It's fairly irrelevant how long lace has been around, though surely it hasn't been around for a thousand years. And that dress is quite simple. It simply took a thousand Chinese sweatshop workers to bang out that little black number, which she's so kindly paired with a hideous hat 'to dress it up'.

Brenda: "The neckline on this dress is what really makes it interesting"
Hun, can ya come up with a more descriptive adjective besides 'interesting'? Moreover, the neckline on that dress is what makes it look costume-appropriate for the Ice Capades!

Brenda: "Suede and leather can also be very dressy. You can dress up a look by adding a dressy accessory."
So wait... if I want to look dressy, I should dress up with dressy things, particularly dressy accessories? Duly noted.

Brenda: "The puff sleeves on this dress made it particularly interesting"
Gee, if something's not dressy then it must be interesting. I know someone who's getting a Thesaurus for her 45th birthday!!

I can't go on... it's too painful... but you get the idea. I appreciated the tour of her Mini-Me closet inside of her sprawling Hollywood condo, but -- much like her fans and the rest of Hollywood -- it's time to say, "So long, Brenda Dickson!"

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Ask that Gay Man about... Hair??

It's the height of irony that William Sledd did a video blog showing us all how he achieves that dreadful haircut of his. Now, William's cute and all, but his hair is just a mess. It's like quasi-Jennifer Aniston circa "when someone gave a shit about Jennifer Aniston".

The video, thankfully fast-forwarded, kind of alludes to the Dove "Evolution" ad where a girl is transformed via hair, makeup, and photoshop, into a proper print model. Unfortunately, this video just leaves us still in the "Before" phase and never reaches the "After" phase.

Just when you think it can't get any worse, you realize that he's simply not getting his hair cut, he's getting highlights! OK, it's coming up on February in a national freeze-over, so I don't care where he is, but he really shouldn't be getting highlights ... not just because it's barely close to being warm anywhere, but just that highlights in general are so done.

My favorite part of the video, however, is the hair "stylist", who seemed hot at first -- solely based on muscle mass -- but then quickly morphed into a femme queen. Fast forward to 5:22 in the video and you'll hear the best quote: "How should I pose? I don't want to be too gay". Too late, ma'am.

I'll Remember

It's a reflective Sunday. Take some time to put a thought together.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

"Shooby Do-Wop and Scooby Snacks"

So I'm obsessed with this boy, it seems. His videos crack me up! And his name on YouTube is LongDaddy99. That's just too much!!



And for those of you who just can't get enough of LFO, here's the real video. I can't believe Jennifer Love Hewitt is in this. Good grief...



The sad thing is that one of them looks like a boy I went to college with. And I'd totally blow all of them. What can I say? I'm into Jersey Trash. It's tacky, I know...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Are you fucking kidding me?

This country is SO litigious! It's ridiculous. First some clutz sues McDonald's over coffee being too hot, and now four families are trying to sue MySpace because their daughters were sexually abused. Give me a fucking break.

Just because MySpace offers a forum that could potentially facilitate abuse from sexual predators doesn't mean that they should be held liable for any idiocy that comes about as a result of two cognizant individuals. If people are determined to throw all common sense out the window, then as a society we're all doomed. Rather, these families are really just trying to make a buck off of their daughters' collective idiocy. If these sluts weren't complete morons who decided to throw caution aside and meet someone from MySpace, then they wouldn't have been sexually abused. It's despicable that their families are trying to make money from the situation, which ultimately will teach the socially retarded daughters that there's always something to gain from being stupid. That's really the lesson that needs to be learned.

What's next? Shall I start sueing Las Vegas casinos for creating an environment in which I could lose my entire life savings? Would that be a viable lawsuit? Can I sue for mental anguish over the fact that I had to sit for a whole 20 minutes and watch my money get sucked away at the craps table? Or will I just have to get raped at the Celine Dion concert in order to recoup my losses?

Aqua - Doctor Jones

My friend has this song on his MySpace profile. I think it's the funniest thing ever. It's silly-cute and fun to just prance along with, simply because it's so ridiculous. I really like the little music part at the very beginning. I wish they would have just stuck with that instead of mucking it up with their flippant vocals.



This is proof that pretty much anyone can be a singer. Well, anyone but me; I can barely carry a conversation let alone a tune. But seriously, Aqua's music is super cheesy, they're not really that good, yet somehow they're still around. Their secret? Europeans and the Japanese. Those two populations will buy almost anything when it comes to music. Of course, Americans will buy almost anything when it comes to other pointless shit, so go figure.

Scattergories

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Your Name: gothamwhore

1. Athlete: Gretzky .. that hockey player guy

2. 4 letter word: glad

3. Street name: Grand St.

4. Color: gold

5. Gifts/presents: real estate!

6. Vehicles: GTO

7. Tropical Locations: Guadalajara??

8. College Majors: Geology -- rocks for jocks, baby!

9. Dairy Products: goat cheese

10. Things in a Souvenir Shop: grey-haired old ladies

11. Boy Name: Gary

12. Girl Name: Gail

13. Movie Titles: Gossip

14. Alcohol: Grey Goose

15. Occupations: Golddigger

16. Flowers: geranium

17. Celebrities: Gladys Knight

18. Magazines: GQ

19. U.S. Cities: Greenwich, CT

20. sport team: Green Bay Packers

Nick Gone Wild

This is hysterical... and sexy.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Thrillist in LA

Man-zine cum email newsletter, Thrillist just lauched a new LA version to complement their New York and National editions. If you live in Los Angeles, you should definitely sign up for it. How else will you stay in the know about hidden gems in your sprawling suburb of a "city"? Seriously, I love LA ... like a fat girl likes rice cakes.

But you don't even have to live in LA to be part of the Thrillist experience. Sign up for Thrillist New York if you live in the best city in the WORLD or Thrillist Nation if you live in that god-foresaken space between the coasts.

Martha says, "It's a good thing." I say, "just show a little class and fuckin' sign up for it!"

My Gay Babies

I came across this letter to the editor at The Boston Globe from multiple blogs, blogs. It's just super sweet and PFLAG-a-licious. Yay for moms!


God's gay child

LOVE AND let love.

God gave me a gift, a wonderful son who happens to be gay. God does not give inferiors gifts. God does not make mistakes. This little boy that God gave to me is now a fine young man. But my son is treated like a second-class citizen by my church. Maybe my state constitution will treat him likewise. I pray that it will not.

If you had a gay loved one in your family you would be a better person. You would be sensitive to the discrimination gays endure. You would realize that they, too, are entitled to mutual love.

God will continue to send gay babies. We must take them into our hearts and our lives. That would please God.

DOROTHY DONAHUE
Norwell

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Shocking Penis

What happenes when you put tin foil on your dick and stick it into an electric socket? Well, click here and find out. It's some crazy shit!

"Wiggle it; Just a Little Bit"

Here is today's daily item of self-validation...

... Because people dancing in fat suits are hilarious...

The chubby white guy dancing cracks me up!

And how could we forget...

Monday, January 15, 2007

"That's the biggest tie I've ever seen"

I found this clip on QueerClick. It's hilarious! Two homos exchanging in pointless banter on national television. It's kind of like that awkward day-after meeting where you bump into your one night stand from the night before and you're not sure what to really say.



More importantly, what the HELL is Ryan Seacrest doing hosting Larry King Live?? Or is he just playing on the set of Larry King Live? Did I miss something? Has Hell frozen over?

I Hate Myself

Kill me now! It's 4:30 in the am and I'm cracked out and full of grilled cheese with bacon. Yumm! Thank GOD for Martin Luther (the) King, because I don't have to work tomorrow and can sleep in until the sun goes down. Mama's a complete hot mess at the moment.

Prior to inhaling my grilled cheese sandwich (at least I didn't get the burger and fries that my friend got!), I ended up dragging my ass to Bowie Ball, which was a hoot, but I feel like it peaked after the first hour or so that I was there. I have to confess that I'm not really into David Bowie. I like that "Fashion" song (performed by Shasta Cola) and "Let's Dance " (performed by The Ones). That's about all I know. His songs aren't all that fun to dance to, so basically it turned into one of those "See and Be Seen" parties. Ugh. At least I accomplished that, then. Apparently my busted mug will be in HX Magazine and PatrickMcMullan.com. Frightening.

Regardless, at least I got to catch up with some old friends and people whom I only see at these types of things. And it's always fun hanging out with my friends no matter where we go. Thank god for that!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

A-Hot-Mess-Says-What?

What the fuck is this??



Paula, honey. You need to straight up confess to whatever the hell drugs you were on. You're all whacked out, lookin' spellbound and basically under the influence, what with your fucked up hair and actin' like a crazy fool. I know it's all about feeling good, but hun you can't get all knocked out if you're gonna be seen on TV. I'm sure you'd really like to bend time back 'round so you can stop yourself from drinkin' all that booze and doing those lines of coke, but that's not possible. So seriously, it's time to do a 12-step and rush rush to a rehab clinic and pray for the promise of a new day. I know I may sound like a cold hearted bitch, but my love is for real. The choice is yours. Fix yourself, you washed up has-been!

Perry Farrell, Congresswoman, or Drag Queen?

I stumbled onto this picture on Roll Call, which I stumbled onto from reading this amusing posting at The Malcontent.


Ok, the person in the middle isn't a drag queen?? I could swear that's a drag queen!!

Either that or it's Perry Farrell from Jane's Addiction, who also kinda looks like a drag queen sometimes:


But alas, it's Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro. Well I guess if Rosa ever needs a stunt double, give Perry a call. Attention Queer Eye, I smell make-over!!!

Picture Caption: "Rep. Rosa DeLauro speaks at a news conference on prescription drug importation legislation on Wednesday. She is joined by Sen. Byron Dorgan (left) and Rep. Marion Berry (right)."

Friday, January 12, 2007

Progeny or Prostitute?

... You decide...

Spell, much? Maybe he can put some of that "generous gent" money toward an education. Oh wait...

And to add to the hilarity, he's my fuckin' Single White Female stalker, too! God, you can find almost anything on the internet these days.

"You betta axk somebody!"

Thursday, January 11, 2007

"Look at Me!!"

Is it stunted growth or just innate behavior? I'll never understand some peoples' constant need for attention. What's worse, their need for any type of attention from anyone, no matter how un-[fill in the blank: appealing, attractive, worthy, etc.] the person is who's giving the attention.

MySpace seems to be an entire website devoted to attention-seekers. People collecting 'friends' whom they don't even know, leaving comments on others' profiles in the vain hope that someone will return the favor, posting bulletins simply to drive traffic to their own page. It's all a bit childish, I think.

It seems that faggots, in particular crave a lot of attention. Maybe it's because there's a preponderance of 'actors' who are gay -- actors always need to be the center of attention, hence their desire to be on stage or in front of the camera. The picture of the 'Look At Me' t-shirt was the brainchild (wow, now that's a stretch of a use of a word if ever there was one!) of Heatherette, a designing duo of faggots. The t-shirt was made famous because it was worn by Paris Hilton back in the day (if ever there was a perfect match of 'celebrity' and clothing...).

I suppose it's the same thing as blogging. I'm sure people reading this think me a hypocrite, but I don't 'blog' because I'm trying to be famous, I 'blog' because I'm too cheap to pay for a therapist :) BIG difference! Also, I think you pretty much need to be somewhere between chubby and fat to be a 'famous' blogger, 'famous' blogger, 'famous' blogger. Oops, did I stutter?

But I digress. My point is that if people put half as much effort into not being obnoxious as they do into trying to get attention from others, they'd probably end up getting the attention they desire.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Trump's about to hear: "You're Fired"

Looks like despite all the bitching and nasty comments back and forth with Rosie, Trump's new season of The Apprentice pretty much opened to its lowest ratings ever. The show was beat out by, among others, NBC's new reality shitfest "Grease: You're the One That I Want". Ouch... that's gotta hurt.

Taking an overview, The Apprentice started out strong in 2004, reached its peak, and is now pretty much just scraping by trying to find creative ways to maintain public interest. Metaphor for "The Donald's" career? Possibly.

How them 'billions' lookin now, Donald??

Adventures in Dating: Part III

Meeting people for the first time is a little like Russian Roulette -- things could go ok, or one of you could end up with a bullet in your head. The other night, I met a boy for coffee... and was begging for the bullet.

In this wonderful account of the evening's events, my thoughts are enclosed in asterisks (*) and quotes (") denote actual speech. *That means I'm not actually saying this, I'm thinking it, for all you dumb-asses out there*.

Adventures in Babysitting
When I agreed to meet this boy, let's call him Harry (no, his real name wasn't as ugly as that), it turns out that I was not only meeting him for coffee, but he decided to bring a friend as well. DEE-lightful.

Let's get it straight from the start -- the boy is cute, but he's somewhere in his early 20s, so not so much dating material as he is fucking material. Why we met for coffee is beyond me, but alas that's how it started.

His friend is this ghetto asian kid: wearing layers of cammo, floppy slightly greasy hair, jacked up teeth, and a backpack that looks like it's carrying his entire worldly possessions. He speaks with an accosting accent as if he grew up in some borough, yet he his pattern of speech leads me to believe he was raised in a black household. It wasn't that he used excessive slang as much as it was the unique and mumbley style in which he spoke -- I can't remember exactly how it went, but just imagine the difference how a black preacher speaks vs. normal folk. It was that kind of difference in speech. Very odd and wholeheartedly unattractive. Oh yeah, and equally as unattractive was the possible Pai Mei moustache he had going on. Plus, he's 28 and has the mental capacity of a 7 year old with Down Syndrome. Anyway, we'll call this kid Jay.

So Harry is unsatisfied with his coffee and goes back to the barista to complain. How embarassing. He has this air about him that implies he thinks he has better taste and class than he really does. Maybe he's just trying to impress me by being snotty. Bad idea. That only works when you actually have something to be snotty about. He should have gone with his strengths -- pretty eyes and a nice body. None of that has anything to do with 'talking', which granted he didn't do much of, but when he did some other type of awful borough-accent fell out of his mouth. My ears were under attack.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, as Harry's away getting a new coffee, Jay proceeds to ask me trite 'get to know you' questions: "So what do you like to do in your free time?", "Where do you live?", and finally "What's your sexual orientation?"

Poor Jay, he's not the brightest bulb in the box. I dumbfoundedly reply, "Umm... I'm gay?". "No, I mean what's your orientation? Are you a top, bottom, versatile?" *Ok, hun, that's not sexual orientation you twit! If anything, that's sexual role preference. And hi, we just met and I'm not even here to meet you!*

As Harry makes his way back to the table, I notice Jay scribbling something down on a piece of paper. It's his contact information. *Jesus Christ. Now I'll have to pretend I actually want that scrap of paper. Fuck.* He proceeds to slide it over to me, in front of Harry. *How tactless.*

I take it and put it in my pocket -- someone's gotta be discreet about this! "You didn't read it," Jay says. I open up the scrap: 'Call me sometime. Maybe I have what you need. Wanna play?' *Eww. Where's that fuckin' bullet??*

They want to take me to Splash for some god-awful karoke night. I think to myself, *Wasn't I supposed to be having sex with this kid by now??*, and agree to go for "One drink".

Isn't it always the case that whenever you don't want to be seen in public, you somehow bump into everyone you know?? But it's not just anyone, it's only the people who will judge you after they've seen you. Welcome to 5 minutes after leaving the Starbucks. I bump into my hot friend on the street with his other hot friend. *Still looking for that bullet!* A couple blocks later, I run into another friend. I can only imagine what he thought. I speed through the conversation and say goodbye. Off to Splash... to drown my sorrows.

Being seen in public with people who you otherwise wouldn't be seen with is not really something I try to make a habit of doing. I kept hoping I wouldn't bump into more people I knew. In my scan of the room, however, I saw a young boy around my age with a middle-aged / old(er) man. It looked like the boy was 'working' and decided to bring the man to Splash because -- who would ever come to Splash on a Tuesday at 7:30pm? Him and his old man, me and my motley burrow youth group. I wanted to just lean over and say, "I won't tell anyone if you won't tell anyone."

Persistent as ever, Jay keeps prodding me to answer the question in his note. I just pretend the music is too loud and simply smile. Awkward situations are just that -- awkward.

A little later, he asks "So, can you handle 6.5-7 inches?" I've never choked on my own laughter before. It was an interesting experience. It's cute that he thinks 6-7 inches is something of a force to be reckoned with. I eat 6 inches for lunch! I believe my dry response was, "Yes.", and I proceeded to the bar. I wanted to shoot up my "God Save the Queen" flashlight so I could get air-lifted out of that situation, but that didn't happen.

As there was really no hope in sight for salvaging the night (ie, hooking up with Harry), I decided to cut my losses and peace out. I wasn't really in the mood to listen to karoke from tone-deaf faggots and was more excited about calling everyone and their mother to tell them about the twisted night I'd just had.

At least it makes for an entertaining story.

"Frustrated, Incorporated"

So I was at a friend's place this weekend and we ended up watching Clerks II. I have no idea why. I don't think I ever saw Clerks 1, but whatever. It was a fairly interesting movie about a bunch of degenerates, one of whom was Rosario Dawson (Who apparently was born the same year as me, on my sister's birthday -- creepy.). Anyway, at the end of the movie this song came on during the credits. I remembered hearing it way back in the day, but for the life of me couldn't remember who sang it. So like a lame-o, I sat around and read the credits to find out. And here it is:



The lyrics really make no sense to me. Well, let's just say they're a bit silly, "They say misery loves company. We could start a company and make misery: Frustrated Incorporated." Ahh the musings from the wannabe-grunge mid-90's. Sounds like something you'd hear uttered through a pot haze.

I think the funniest part is that if you read some of the coments on YouTube, there are people who are hearing this song for the first time simply because it was in Clerks 2. Nevermind the fact that the song has been around for at least a decade. Jebus Christ I'm old.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!!

I've finally won the favor of the mexicans who work at the Cuban restaurant around the corner from my apartment. It only took 7 months!

Essentially I measure their affection the same way they do -- in food. The more food they give me, the more they love me. Yesterday they loved me mucho because they dished out a fuckload of food for me!

Unfortunately, they're still mexicans, so the service can sometimes be slower than one of them doing long division. But maybe one day that, too, will improve (the service, not their mathematical abilities). That would be amazing!! Lots of cheap food in a short amount of time. Someone should take that idea and mass-produce it. Then more mexicans can have mex-jobs!

Wow. I just solved the world's problems in a matter of seconds -- poverty, hunger, employment, international relations. I'm a superstar! Nobel Prize, much?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Obsessed Much?

Yes, I am. Fucking HILARIOUS!!

Gas-Like Odor Permeates Parts of New York City

"Authorities were investigating the source of a mysterious gas-like odor Monday that stretched across a large part of Manhattan, including Rockefeller Center....

... officials there were told the odor was due to a gas leak in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood, just north of Greenwich Village."

OK, look -- I'm sorry. I had a little too much Mexican food last night and, well, you know how that goes. God, how embarassing. I didn't think it'd smell all the way up at Rockefeller Center. Those were some serious quesadillas!

Forget YouTube, Bring on the Boob Tube!

"I'm the lead singer of a Star Wars tribute band..."

Oh yes, Kids. Retarded statements abound, and you know what that means: It's the return of Beauty and the Geek!! I think the show is really cute. Sometimes the geeks are adorable and are complete fixer-uppers, but other times they're total trainwrecks. Either way, it's entertaining to watch.

"Are you on the list?"

No, I'm not talking about some random party. It's the return of Heroes on NBC!! Maybe now we'll find out exactly what the fuck is going on on that show! How exciting. More importantly, we get to see more of Milo Ventimiglia. Yumm.

"Fat Carol hates her job, would she eat so many grilled cheeses if she cared?"

And best of all, new episodes of Ugly Betty! I'm thoroughly entertained by Betty's fugliness and cuteness. The show and its characters are pretty over-the-top cheesy, but that's what makes it fun.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Marriage Checklist

This posting is super delayed, but I'm a lazy bitch, what can I say? The Times ran an article on questions you should ask before getting married.

Shout out to my sista, who should be reading this. Work your way down the list, girl. Work you way down the list.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2007 Predictions

Given the start of the new year, I decided to make some predictions for 2007. Why? Because what the hell else do I have to do??

Like many years before it, 2006 was full of a lot of hype. Lots of worthless shit (and people) built up by foundationless PR and pop-culture consumerism. But I think 2007 is going to be a return to the traditional, as illustrated below:

Out: Trans fat
In: Saturated fat
- Bring on the meat!

Out: Hot Chocolate
In: Sexual Chocolate
- Sex wins!

Out: Motorola
In: Nokia
- Motorola's phones basically are designed well, but perform poorly. They're mobile pieces of shit. It's all about function over form now.

Out: YouTube
In: xTube
- Now that YouTube has gone all "corporate" and big brother, it's time to ditch it and just go back to good ol' fashioned sex on the internet.

Out: America's Next Top Model
In: Ugly Betty
- It's all about real shitcoms, not reality bullshit. Pay an actor and maybe we won't have such crappy movies and TV shows being made.

Out: Flash Websites
In: HTML Websites
- Whatever happened to "Keep It Simple, Stupid?" Over-wrought, slow-downloading websites like MTV's and even ABC's are just way too much to handle. It's information overload, but presented in an un-user-friendly format. Horrible.

Out: Pre-emptive Wars (Thanks, Bush!)
In: Conflict Diamonds
- Because diamonds are forever.

Out: MySpace and YouTube
In: Stickam
- Restrictions, "unscheduled maintenance" and a host of other problems that arise due to rapid growth are annoyances that don't need to be tolerated. Stickam is a hybrid of social networking and video content. It's like MySpace fucked YouTube and had a baby. Upload whatever content you want at Stickam, and add your friends as well.

Out: Snowboarding
In: Skiing
- While "extreme" sports are amusing and the realm of the chronically directionless, drugs never go out of style.

Out: Skinny jeans
In: Skinny boys
- Why bother going after boys who try to look skinny when you can just fuck boys who are skinny?

Title Your Life

So someone I know is filling out his college applications, which means fun essay time!! He was asking for suggestions for one of the essays. It's kind of a fun exercise. I'll paraphrase the question:

"If you had to write a story about your life thus far, what would the title of your story be?"

Some potential titles for mine would be:
  • "Date Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones"
  • "I Have Nothing to Wear: The Cryin', That Bitch, and My Wardrobe"
  • "Fatman Begins"
  • "Fatman Returns"
  • "Fatman Forever"
What's yours?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year's Resolution - Part 1

This is the first of many resolutions to come. Let's see how many I actually stick with!

I've decided to cut "stress" out of my diet in 2007. I hear it'll be good for my complexion and stress is just full of complex carbohydrates. Whatever causes me unnecessary stress and strife is on the out -- people, things, behaviors, etc. Life's too short, and more importantly there aren't enough hours in the day, to deal with things that cause you any type of stress. So to the best of my abilities, and when applicable, I will be stomping stress out of my life. Woohoo!!!

Stress is subsequently going to be replaced by the gym (how original!) and a better wardrobe. Ahh yes :)

Monday, January 01, 2007

Goodbye 2006!!!

Worst year EVER!!! I don't think I've ever had such a year of insane ups and downs from being super happy to super miserable. You'd think it would all net-net even out at the end, but it didn't, because I totally ended the year in the red.

There's no point in doing some sort of Year End Review because I don't particularly care to rehash all the peaks and valleys of this past year. It's time to focus on the upcoming year. So bring it on!