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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2007 Predictions

Given the start of the new year, I decided to make some predictions for 2007. Why? Because what the hell else do I have to do??

Like many years before it, 2006 was full of a lot of hype. Lots of worthless shit (and people) built up by foundationless PR and pop-culture consumerism. But I think 2007 is going to be a return to the traditional, as illustrated below:

Out: Trans fat
In: Saturated fat
- Bring on the meat!

Out: Hot Chocolate
In: Sexual Chocolate
- Sex wins!

Out: Motorola
In: Nokia
- Motorola's phones basically are designed well, but perform poorly. They're mobile pieces of shit. It's all about function over form now.

Out: YouTube
In: xTube
- Now that YouTube has gone all "corporate" and big brother, it's time to ditch it and just go back to good ol' fashioned sex on the internet.

Out: America's Next Top Model
In: Ugly Betty
- It's all about real shitcoms, not reality bullshit. Pay an actor and maybe we won't have such crappy movies and TV shows being made.

Out: Flash Websites
In: HTML Websites
- Whatever happened to "Keep It Simple, Stupid?" Over-wrought, slow-downloading websites like MTV's and even ABC's are just way too much to handle. It's information overload, but presented in an un-user-friendly format. Horrible.

Out: Pre-emptive Wars (Thanks, Bush!)
In: Conflict Diamonds
- Because diamonds are forever.

Out: MySpace and YouTube
In: Stickam
- Restrictions, "unscheduled maintenance" and a host of other problems that arise due to rapid growth are annoyances that don't need to be tolerated. Stickam is a hybrid of social networking and video content. It's like MySpace fucked YouTube and had a baby. Upload whatever content you want at Stickam, and add your friends as well.

Out: Snowboarding
In: Skiing
- While "extreme" sports are amusing and the realm of the chronically directionless, drugs never go out of style.

Out: Skinny jeans
In: Skinny boys
- Why bother going after boys who try to look skinny when you can just fuck boys who are skinny?


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