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Friday, March 30, 2007

Potpockets at Plumm

Tonight I watched my social life die right before my eyes. I really need to read invites more closely. I thought I was going to a runway show and it ended up just being some random night out at Plumm with straight people.

Now, I thought Plumm was supposed to be nice and "trendy" or whatever, but there was almost nobody there when I arrived. It's almost too embarassing to mention! But I stuck it out because I'm a suck for social obligations.

I'm kinda glad that I stuck around. I ended up having a pretty ok time with my friend and we got to be all "Gorilla's in the Plumm", Jane Goodall-style. I've never really observed straight guys' mating habits at clubs. It's really strange and pathetic. This group of 10 guys comes in and orders a bottle of Cristal. I was real confused at first because it was only guys and they were all chummy. I wanted to go over and be like "Are you guys gay? Or are you just fucking losers??" The answer: the latter.

Turns out that later in the night, they had the waitress round up some ho's to provide them with free Cristal in exchange for their company. This ho ended up with a glass, but there was no exchange. HA! It was actually a really pathetic display. Are straight guys really that lame that they have to resort to spending exorbidant amounts of money just to attract women? And are women that shameless that they'd submit themselves to such transparent tactics?

I chatted it up with this hot blond chick, who was holding a glass of Cristal, and asked her what the fuck was up. She was hilarious. Basically she was offered the glass, took it, and walked away. Score! Later on, one of the guys waved her over and tried to talk to her. I cock-blocked and we continued chatting.

Throughout the night, I kept smelling random clouds of weed. It was kind of a nice break in between waiting for more vodka and/or Cristal to show up. I'm not one to turn down a contact high, but it was hilarious how everyone would react once they smelled it -- like a pig to truffles!

So a part of my social life died tonight... victim of a hit-and-run at Plumm. But at least I got a couple good stories out of it, met a fun chick, and got to spend some Q.T. with my G.F. I guess it was worth it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Bro Rape

I found this video on some blog or something. I don't get it. It kinda makes no sense to me. Maybe I don't get the humor because I'm not straight. But what the fuck is "Bro Rape?" Check it out:

If you think it's funny, leave a comment and explain why. Apparently I missed a joke somewhere along the way. I don't think they clearly define what a "bro" is -- well, maybe they do, but I wouldn't call that person a "Bro", I'd call him a "tard" or "pothead" instead.

Is there some sort of "bro rape" epidemic going on that I don't know about whereby all of a sudden some "dudes" are playing xBox and they just start fuckin' each other? Because if so, then I'ma go buy me an xBox!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Windows Mobile Sucks My ASS

And Verizon Wireless sucks my ass, too! And you know what? Let's just pile on Daylight Savings Time, too. Because when all of these idiotic things collide, it just means a pointless annoyance that could have been avoiding with someone in any of the associated parties using their brain.

But alas, nobody's inclined to use their brain these days, and thus I'm forced to. Unfortunately, the obstacles are just too numerous to overcome.

All I want is my stupid-ass Motorola Q to have the right fucking time on it! You'd think it'd be simple, but alas -- nobody's using their brain. The wonderful instructions provided by Microsoft just take you into a link loop, where I cycle through the same fucking pages over and over again, never really downloading whatever the hell it is I need to update my stupid Windows Mobile software.

As a result, I can't stand the following companies:
  • Microsoft - because they just can't make shit that isn't broken. Try releasing a product that's at least 85% bug free!
  • Motorola - because they just can't make shit that isn't broken. 'Design over performance' is going to be their doom.
  • Verizon Wireless - because they should have worked this out on a system-wide basis instead of having to do certain phones on an individual level.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"I'm from Guadalajara!"

I just downloaded all the pictures from my phone to my computer. I totally forgot that I'd taken a picture of the silly PR girl from the Heatherette runway show, just in case I wanted to scream at someone because of her incompetence.

Betty Suarez, is that you? Honestly, as much as I wanted to hate her for being an absolute doofus, she totally had this "Ugly Betty" quality about her that was kind of endearing. I still think she fantastically sucks at her job and should pursue a career that involves wearing a hat made entirely out of tortilla, but whatever.

I think the best part about this picture is that, in the background, you can see a drag queen walking into the Tents. A motherfuckin' DRAG QUEEN!!! Since when did putting on a wig and oversized pumps automatically equate to free access to things?? Jesus. The next event I do, it'll be no drag queens allowed! Trannies only -- they have to live in those pumps, not just play dress up for the night.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Why do straights hate gays?

A friend sent this to me. It's an article by Larry Kramer. Have a read. It's real good because it's real true.

Why do straights hate gays?
An aging 72-year-old gay man isn't hopeful about the future.
By Larry Kramer, LARRY KRAMER is the founder of the protest group ACT
UP and the author of "The Tragedy of Today's Gays."
March 20, 2007


Why do you hate gay people so much?

Gays are hated. Prove me wrong. Your top general just called us
immoral. Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, is in
charge of an estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian troops, some fighting for
our country in Iraq. A right-wing political commentator, Ann Coulter,
gets away with calling a straight presidential candidate a faggot. Even
Garrison Keillor, of all people, is making really tacky jokes about gay
parents in his column. This, I guess, does not qualify as hate except
that it is so distasteful and dumb, often a first step on the way to
hate. Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama tried to duck the
questions that Pace's bigotry raised, confirming what gay people know:
that there is not one candidate running for public office anywhere who
dares to come right out, unequivocally, and say decent, supportive
things about us.

Gays should not vote for any of them. There is not a candidate or major
public figure who would not sell gays down the river. We have seen this
time after time, even from supposedly progressive politicians such as
President Clinton with his "don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays in
the military and his support of the hideous Defense of Marriage Act. Of
course, it's possible that being shunned by gays will make politicians
more popular, but at least we will have our self-respect. To vote for
them is to collude with them in their utter disdain for us.

Don't any of you wonder why heterosexuals treat gays so brutally year
after year after year, as your people take away our manhood, our
womanhood, our personhood? Why, even as we die you don't leave us
alone. What we can leave our surviving lovers is taxed far more
punitively than what you leave your (legal) surviving spouses. Why do
you do this? My lover will be unable to afford to live in the house we
have made for each other over our lifetime together. This does not
happen to you. Taxation without representation is what led to the
Revolutionary War. Gay people have paid all the taxes you have. But you
have equality, and we don't.

And there's no sign that this situation will change anytime soon.
President Bush will leave a legacy of hate for us that will take many
decades to cleanse. He has packed virtually every court and every civil
service position in the land with people who don't like us. So, even
with the most tolerant of new presidents, gays will be unable to break
free from this yoke of hate. Courts rule against gays with hateful
regularity. And of course the Supreme Court is not going to give us our
equality, and in the end, it is from the Supreme Court that such
equality must come. If all of this is not hate, I do not know what hate

Our feeble gay movement confines most of its demands to marriage. But
political candidates are not talking about — and we are not demanding
that they talk about — equality. My lover and I don't want to get
married just yet, but we sure want to be equal.

You must know that gays get beaten up all the time, all over the world.
If someone beats you up because of who you are — your race or ethnic
origin — that is considered a hate crime. But in most states, gays are
not included in hate crime measures, and Congress has refused to
include us in a federal act.

Homosexuality is a punishable crime in a zillion countries, as is any
activism on behalf of it. Punishable means prison. Punishable means
death. The U.S. government refused our requests that it protest after
gay teenagers were hanged in Iran, but it protests many other foreign
cruelties. Who cares if a faggot dies? Parts of the Episcopal Church in
the U.S. are joining with the Nigerian archbishop, who believes gays
should be put in prison. Episcopalians! Whoever thought we'd have to
worry about Episcopalians?

Well, whoever thought we'd have to worry about Florida? A young gay man
was just killed in Florida because of his sexual orientation. I get
reports of gays slain in our country every week. Few of them make news.
Fewer are prosecuted. Do you consider it acceptable that 20,000
Christian youths make an annual pilgrimage to San Francisco to pray for
gay souls? This is not free speech. This is another version of hate. It
is all one world of gay-hate. It always was.

Gays do not realize that the more we become visible, the more we come
out of the closet, the more we are hated. Don't those of you straights
who claim not to hate us have a responsibility to denounce the hate?
Why is it socially acceptable to joke about "girlie men" or to
discriminate against us legally with "constitutional" amendments
banning gay marriage? Because we cannot marry, we can pass on only a
fraction of our estates, we do not have equal parenting rights and we
cannot live with a foreigner we love who does not have government
permission to stay in this country. These are the equal protections
that the Bill of Rights proclaims for all?

Why do you hate us so much that you will not permit us to legally love?
I am almost 72, and I have been hated all my life, and I don't see much
change coming.

I think your hate is evil.

What do we do to you that is so awful? Why do you feel compelled to
come after us with such frightful energy? Does this somehow make you
feel safer and legitimate? What possible harm comes to you if we marry,
or are taxed just like you, or are protected from assault by laws that
say it is morally wrong to assault people out of hatred? The reasons
always offered are religious ones, but certainly they are not based on
the love all religions proclaim.

And even if your objections to gays are religious, why do you have to
legislate them so hatefully? Make no mistake: Forbidding gay people to
love or marry is based on hate, pure and simple.

You may say you don't hate us, but the people you vote for do, so
what's the difference? Our own country's democratic process declares us
to be unequal. Which means, in a democracy, that our enemy is you. You
treat us like crumbs. You hate us. And sadly, we let you.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Tomorrow! I Love Ya!

As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I wish I were a Musical Theatre (that's "-re" not "-er"! haha) major. It seems like they have so much fun. Well, how could you not have fun when there really isn't much intellectual "work" involved and it's all singing and dancing. It's like majoring in Kickball -- what's not to love??

Just check out this video of this goofy kid singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. I wish I knew how to sing without breaking glass :(

But even though I can't sing, I still wish I could dance. But alas, I can't do that, either. Well, I used to be able to dance, but now all I do is kinda dance from the waist up because I'm at a lounge instead of a club. But if I had any talent, I'd strap on my tights and ease on down the road!

I think I posted that video before, but it's still amusing.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Fashion Police - Episode 1

So I've decided I'm going to do this whole series on fashion eye sores -- street spottings, if you will. I've gotten into the habit of taking quick pictures of people when I'm out. Unfortunately, it's usually with my cell phone, but still... it's a decent enough quality to get a sense of how truly hideous the outfit is.

Today's fashion eye sore is this pair of Clydesdale boots. I spotted them whilst being seated for brunch. I don't know WHAT this girl was thinking. Sunday brunch is never THAT casual! Actually, her boots look less like the hoves of a Clydesdale and more like they were made out of fur from a dog!

Oh, and she has a gigundo ass as well! Maybe she was thinking that the big boots would make her ass look smaller. Yeah, theories like that never work out in practice. Whoops!

I hope she ordered an egg white omelette.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Crazy Acid Throwing Woman

From dying dolphins to poor white trash. This video is much better than the last one I posted. At least it's something to make fun of!!

The whole time I kept staring at her missing teeth. I was like "Jesus, lady!" And I've got this thing about upper lips -- I really don't like it when people don't have an upper lip. It's kind of a turn off. So I'm wondering what's up with this woman, why she's all crazy like that, then my answer appears -- the bitch keeps dumping roach poison on herself!! Yeah... they teach Intelligent Design in the South, right? Keep on truckin'!

Dolphin Massacre


This video is CRAZY!!! I feel so bad for the dolphins!!! This is almost enough to make me into a vegetarian -- except I'm too lazy to ever be a vegetarian. The poor fishies are just left to suffer. Fucking MADNESS.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Body Language

I came across this weird video. I can't tell if it's serious or if it's supposed to be a joke. It seems kind of like a joke to me, but sometimes people are idiots and fail to see their own stupidity. Though since it's listed under Comedy, then maybe it is a joke.

In any case, there's too much to poke fun of in the video and I couldn't come up with a really interactive way of commenting on every little part, so I pussed out and just decided to do nothing.

For your educational enjoyment...

Friday, March 09, 2007

Set You Free

I love this song and never realized that there was actually a music video for it. Well, the video sucks, so I guess it's for the best that I didn't know it existed. But I'm in a 90s flashback kinda mood so I'm still loving this song :)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

How to Make a Black Snake Moan

Get your mind out of the gutter. This isn't about black cock. Sorry to disappoint.

If you haven't seen the movie Black Snake Moan, you betta git 'yo ass out to the movies and see it! It's hands-down one of the best and funniest movies I've seen in a while.

Granted, it's not meant to be a comedy, but seriously, there's some funny shit up on there. Here's the receipe:
  • Start with a scene where Justin Timberlake is fucking some chick. It's just funny watching JT fuck someone, I don't know why. Oh wait, because he throws up shortly thereafter. He has GAD.
  • Mix in a waifish version of Christina Ricci (Trimspa done her good!!) as a crackhead nymphomaniac.
  • Liberally add in some "muh'fuckas" from Samuel L. Jackson (does he even 'act' anymore?)
  • Serve with a side of Southern ebonics and hospitality
And there you have it. I give a thumbs up to any movie that, in the first 15 minutes, include a whitewoman asking a black man if he has any money. Priceless! Even better, said whitewoman is such a nympho-drunk that she gets quasi-raped, beat, and shoved head first out of a pickup truck. Classy!! Only later the next morning is she discovered by Samuel L. Strung out 'black mans kryptonite' on the lawn -- hallelujah! Whitewoman on the lawn! Even better, chained-up whitewoman in the living room!!

Despite the unintentional comedy, the story is actually really good and is a nice reminder that somewhere in Hollywood someone's using their brain. It may be a little camp at times (seems like all Samuel L does these days is camp!), but it's worth the 2+ hours that the movie lasted.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Missing in Action

So yeah, I've been MIA lately. Sorry. Tough shit :)

Life is mad crazy. I've gotta look real fuckin' pretty for a launch event we're doing on Thursday -- check out the front page of the NY Times Style section Thursday morning. Hayden Christensen's on the invite list, which means that if he's there, I'll need to whip out my tranquilizer gun so I can bag and tag a bitch. Love me some Vader!!

To add amusement to the insanity, I'm fighting off some bullshit sinus infection. Sinus infections are for fuckin' dweebs!! I'm used to getting strep. That's for hardcore deep-throatin' sluts! This sinus shit is just whack. But Doctor gave me a Z-pak and some Flonase, which I dont' think will help, but whatever. I'm gonna work that Flonase like Kate Moss, though! It's ALL going up my nose! Why? Because I'm all about glamour; and nothing says "glamorous" like stickin' chemicals up your nose.

So hello 'glamour' and goodbye sinus infection! Oh, and hello Hayden!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

And the year's first Darwin Award goes to.....

... an obese (330lbs!) 26-year old in China for dying as a result of a video game marathon. Fatty, you've got to EAT in between each new level you reach!

I can only assume he died of dehydration or (if it's even possible) starvation. It would be amusing, though, if he were playing Nintendo Wii and died from over-exerting himself. Wouldn't that be crazy!?

The marathon online gaming session took place over the course of 7 days (SEVEN day!!) due to the Lunar New Year. [Side note: when did it change to 'Lunar New Year' Wasn't it always Chinese New Year??? That's like kids now saying "winter break" instead of "Christmas break". WTF.]

Honestly, I think people should spend a little time getting off their ass and un-tethering themselves from their computer and maybe, just maybe, try getting a life! Though clearly this boy didn't have much of a life to live, but still. I know it's ironic that I'm suggesting people go out and get a life while I'm typing this at a computer, but I'm at work and there's really nothing else to do right now. Maybe I'll go on a blogging marathon over the course of 7 days and die from falling on my own sharp tongue. Doubtful.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Copious Notes on a Scandal

Coo coo ca-choo, Mrs. Ward! Looks like life is imitating art down in Clinton, South Carolina. Well, it seems like a boring place, so surely there's nothing better to do. So why not whittle away your free time between recess and 7th period by having sex with underaged students? It's almost a logical choice... for the mentally insane.

It seems that 23yo middle school teacher Allenna Williams Ward, flatteringly pictured at the right, has identified a little too closely with Cate Blanchette's character from Notes on a Scandal. Ward has been arrested for "allegedly" having sex with 5 teenage boys, ages 14 and 15. Now as tasty as it may seem to bed a teen -- lord knows the boy in Notes on a Scandal was hot! -- let's just hope there was at least some grass on the field before Mrs. Ward (yeah, she's married!) stepped up to bat.

"Class" is in session.

Naturally, some of the boys she boink'd were her students -- let's hope they got an "A" instead of an S, T, D. That's really priceless; who says the American education system is broken? We have hands-on, interactive sex education courses complete with Happy Ending. Take THAT, Japan!! Not only did this 'learning' take place in school, but it also involved field trips to culture-exposing places like a motel, a park, and behind a restaurant. If that's not class, then I don't know what is. I hope they tipped their cleaning lady because those sheets must have been soiled with sin!

Allenna Ward is being held in jail. The only thing left for her to do now is sketch out plans for her own Reality TV show, which will most likely launch with a gut-wrenching appearance on Oprah or Dr. Phil where she admits she has a problem and likes tasty teens, but is helpless to do anything about it. The reality show will most likely feature her going through rehab, subsequently relapsing and banging a boy every other episode. It'll air on WE: Women's Entertainment Television opposite The Bachelor. Stay tuned, horny teachers are standing by.